TGIF | The Art of Repair: How Healthy Communication Transforms Relationship Conflicts
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Dear Community,
This week's newsletter tackles a topic I've been mulling over for months. It's vulnerable territory because I doubt anyone truly feels like a communication expert. I'm certainly not one, and I'm still learning and growing in this area.
I've stumbled plenty. I'm that chronically non-confrontational person who people-pleases to avoid the gut-wrenching feeling of disappointing someone. I've hidden truths because I feared reactions, only to face inevitable blow-ups when my avoidance finally caught up with me.
While I wish I could say that approaching 40 means I've mastered honest self-advocacy, I'm just getting better. Recently, I caught myself before panic-texting an apology after a confrontation just to secure reassurance that everything was okay.
My deepest fear? Rejection. The pain of being fundamentally flawed, of confirming my worst suspicion that I'm somehow a bad person.
Thank GOD for therapy.
I'm sharing this because I know many of you struggle with clear, compassionate, direct communication due to similar fears and insecurities. Today, I want to offer what I've learned, what I'm practicing, and what I've seen truly work.
The Heart of Communication
My perspective shifted when couples specialist Stan Tatkin said, "We do not communicate to be right; we communicate to be good to one another."
Take a moment with that. How often have you communicated just to make your point? To convince someone to see things your way? And honestly—how often has that approach actually worked?
The purpose of healthy communication isn't winning—it's connection. This isn't about co-dependence, where one person's needs dominate and create power imbalances.
Instead, it's about inter-dependence—recognizing we're better together when we support and care for one another. When both people's needs matter, addressed with genuine curiosity and compassion. This creates authentic connection, which builds trust and deepens love.
Finding Your Shared Purpose
The strongest partnerships have clear purpose. Like successful companies with mission statements and values, healthy relationships thrive on shared understanding and expectations.
When two people choose to be together, it's because there's value in their union. They strengthen each other, enrich each other's lives, and make life's challenges more manageable together.
Of course, relationships serve different purposes: shared responsibilities, co-parenting, business partnerships, intimacy, or fun. What matters is mutual agreement about expectations.
Conflict often erupts when couples lose sight of their shared purpose or when expectations fall out of alignment.
The Power of Repair
In any relationship, tension and conflict aren't inherently bad—if handled well. I tell parents that what matters isn't never raising your voice, but how you repair afterward. Conflicts followed by sincere, reliable, quick repair actually strengthen trust and deepen connection.
This cycle of rupture and repair creates safety, helping us become comfortable with honesty and directness. We learn that conflicts won't lead to abandonment but can transform into deeper understanding.
The key is awareness and timely repair. Research shows emotional events more readily become long-term memories, especially negative ones. That's partly why the advice to "never go to bed angry" holds wisdom—sleep plays a crucial role in memory consolidation, particularly for emotional experiences.
When conflicts remain unresolved, our brains seek confirming evidence. After an unaddressed argument, ordinary actions like a cabinet door closing firmly can trigger defensive responses and reinforce negative narratives: "They're still angry," "I've done something wrong," "They just don't listen."
The Art of Repair
Face-to-face communication is ideal for resolving conflicts. This allows you to see reactions, read body language, and gauge how your words are landing. It's why text arguments rarely lead to resolution.
Being attentive to others' responses helps you recognize when they've entered a defensive state. Neuroscience confirms that when our stress response activates (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), our prefrontal cortex—responsible for rational thinking, problem-solving, and empathy—becomes less accessible.
To communicate effectively, we must remain aware of ourselves and others. We speak to connect, not just to express. Because ultimately, you want to be heard and understood—which can't happen when the other person feels threatened.
This means regulating ourselves first. Yes, venting feels cathartic, but directing raw emotions at someone else rarely helps either of you. True communication requires presence and care.
A Simple Rule for Conflict
With couples I counsel, I share this guideline: if you can't say it kindly, wait until you can. When you're too heated to speak with care, take time to regulate first.
As you practice not approaching your partner when emotionally flooded, they'll become more responsive when you do express distress—seeing it as a signal to support rather than defend.
None of us manages this perfectly, which isn't the point. What matters is repairing, and repairing more skillfully over time. Research supports that physical connection—a 20-second hug (long enough to release oxytocin), hand-holding, or sharing deep breaths—helps our nervous systems co-regulate.
The body must participate in repair. That's why at Reset, somatic-based couples work starts with the body—a bottom-up approach that honors our physiological responses.
So friends, let's breathe together. Let's meet each other's eyes. Let's care for one another in ways that help us all feel more whole.
With love and messy humanness,
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
There’s a tool called Sherlocking in a couple’s work that is really transformative. Sherlocking, is the concept of becoming a detective to your partner. For a partner, it’s about watching the other as you talk, to see your effect on them. Try it at home ;)
Gratitude
I’m deeply passionate about families. I believe that when the parents get it right most of the time, the kids will be alright. I think that’s why I’m so grateful for when couples come in to do the work. They’re not only investing in themselves but their entire families. Kudos to you.
Innovation
Ah, but one caveat - I require each individual in couples’ work to also be in 1x1 therapy. Something that allows them to have an unbiased 3rd party of their own to vent to (yes, you pay a therapist to do this, safely!) and gain personal insights. Oftentimes, we’re repeating childhood traumas and coping mechanisms in our adult relationships, and we must independently work through that in order to come back together stronger.
Feels
My favorite ever quote about couples is this, “Every human on Earth is a pain in the ass”. Do you feel that? It’s true: I am, you are, we all are. But it’s all worth it. Laughter is okay here, friends. We can do this thing called life.