TGIF | Breaking the Burnout Cycle: Why You Need to Let Yourself Cry
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
Gosh, the burnout is real right now. I think almost everyone I've talked to in the last week is experiencing heaviness, fatigue, full-body exhaustion, grief, anxiety... like, we're not okay, y'all.
It makes me think of this trend I see often... I was talking to a dear friend yesterday who has gone through tremendous change over the last 8 months. I visited her a couple of months ago, and her stress was oozing out of her. She's strong, you know? The type of go-getter that keeps persisting despite her health falling apart and her needs not being met. She's competitive, hardworking, and super, super successful at work. She's a great mom and shows up for her kids. She's a perfectionist, often working late hours to get things right, whether that's her kids' new rooms or finishing that slide deck.
It's hard for her to be vulnerable, and she'll admit it. Asking for help is admitting failure. Asking for help means she didn't try hard enough. Asking for help is embarrassing and feels like she's disappointing others. The expectations she has for herself are incredibly high, but she also knows she can do almost anything, or at least tells herself so. Nothing is impossible.
There's a certain archetype of person that trends toward burnout. The "I can do it all" and "I don't need help" type of person.
Do you know this person, too? Or your sibling. Your best friend, like mine. Maybe you see some (or a lot) of yourself in this friend of mine. I know she and I are more alike than different...
The Burnout Cycle
Dr. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski have described the burnout cycle in the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. They write that we must physically complete our stress responses to prevent burnout.
What essentially is happening with our stressors is this:
Stress Response Activation: When we experience a stressor, our body activates the "fight, flight, or freeze" response.
Physical Completion Needed: Even after the stressor is resolved mentally, our bodies need physical signals to know the danger has passed.
Incomplete Cycle: When we don't complete the stress cycle physically, stress hormones and tension remain in our bodies.
Accumulated Stress: This incomplete resolution leads to chronic stress and, eventually, burnout.
How many times do we intellectually notice and process our stress? We talk it out. We journal. We rationalize it. We normalize it. We then often suppress it, repress it, numb from it (helloooo scrolling) and think that we've managed it.
But we haven't. Not until our body knows we're safe is the stressor entirely resolved. I see this all the time with clients. Intellectually, they say they know they are not in harm's way/they are okay/they are good enough, but they cannot feel into that.
Knowing is different than believing. We have to get the body involved.
How to Complete the Stress Cycle
Well, for my dear stressed-out friend - she finally cried. She broke down with her husband and shared with me, "It was the release I needed. Wow, it felt good."
Crying is just one way we can resolve the stressor. Other ways may be:
Movement
Breath
Positive social connection
Laughter
Creative expression
Physical affection (like hugs)
The thing is, when we're stressed, we create excuses that we're too busy for these things that work to resolve stress! It's hilarious and sad because it's so true.
See, admitting we're stressed, like really stressed, is threatening. Most of us don't want to truly acknowledge the level of burnout we're at because then it feels like we've done something wrong, like we're not good enough - we “should” all over ourselves.
So instead of completing the cycle, we remain stuck in it, constantly berating ourselves for feeling stressed in the first place! Gah, it's relentless!
Why You Need to Complete the Cycle
Here's some science to back up the reasons to let that sh*t go:
Research from the University of Gothenburg showed that deep breathing (belly breaths) exercises for 5-10 minutes can lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels by approximately 23%. 5 minutes, nearly 25% reduction. That's low-hanging fruit, team.
Research at the University of California found that laughter reduces stress hormone levels by up to 70% while increasing endorphins by 27%. This is where I'll support some hilarious reel-watching. LOL-ing has benefits.
A 2019 study in Psychoneuroendocrinology showed that 20-second hugs reduced cortisol levels by 32% among participants. I love this one so much. A 20-second hug, really squeezing, changes everything. Try this with your kids or a spouse after an argument. You just feel a collective softening.
According to research cited by Nagoski, engaging in just 20 minutes of moderate physical activity can significantly reduce stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline by up to 40%. That's a quick walk, team. We can do that.
Also on this point, a 2018 study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that participants who completed stress cycles through physical activity showed a 37% reduction in perceived stress compared to control groups. That means we're preventing our stress reactions! Resiliency! Woo!
Lastly, according to Nagoski's research, people who practice regular stress cycle completion report 58% better sleep quality and 41% improved emotional regulation.
Beyond Burnout
We often discuss at Reset how our upbringing, our cellular capacities, and our learned coping mechanisms influence our responses to stress. It was probably modeled to us if we cope through numbing, substances, avoidance, digging in deeper, or perfectionism.
This is why, as parents, it's that much more important to recognize our stressors and complete our cycles. We need to demonstrate healthy releases for our kids so they, too, know how to handle the inevitable stressors that come their way.
Dads - please cry in front of your kids. Moms - please ask for help.
Everyone: walk outside, get each other to laugh, hug harder, breathe deeper, and sing a song on blast in your car.
A few weeks ago, I started going to a dance class that is literally life-giving. I smile and laugh the entire time, sweat, and be with my girlfriends. It's on a Sunday morning, and I could give you 1,000 excuses as to why I cannot go, but I do. I show up. I complete my weekend stress cycle. I reset.
Because it's not just about me; it's about how I show up for everyone when I'm not burned out. It's not honorary to be a stress ball. It's not a failure to be burned out. I need to show up for myself and release it.
Like Cameron Diaz's character in The Holiday: just let yourself cry. Who knows, you may get a Jude Law in your life once you do. ;)
Hugs, and LAUGHTER this week, friends. You're never alone.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
With the 20-second hug, another practice I have is to not let go before the other person does. I’m here for the hug, even if it’s long. It does no harm. I’ll let go when they do. I am convinced it matters.
Gratitude
THE SUN! You guys, what a RELIEF this week to see some sun and warmer temperatures. I would wager that some of our burnout is also just winter blues. I’m finding more moments to be in celebration of the sun. Join me.
Innovation
Once again, we are called to remember the power of a bottom-up approach to mental health. Our minds are fickle and stubborn. Our body knows our truth and really keeps the score.
Feels
I’m still in my process but something I’m working on is asking for more help, too. I do not have to do it alone. Gosh, that pride! It’s a practice but I’m finding I’ve never felt freer now that I’m allowing myself to ask for help. It’s liberating in the most profound way.