TGIF | Understanding the Alpha Male

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Dear Community,

How are we doing? Today, on Valentines Day, I hope you get messages that remind you to turn towards your own love, that you feel worthy of unconditional love and you know you were never broken, just hurting. But I know today is just one day and we have to try and feel into that loving energy every day…

This month in general has made me recall a similar time when I felt uneasiness, heartbrokenness and anger. I remember in early 2017 as a new mom I was overwhelmed by my entire environment. I had a lot of anxiety, feelings of uncertainty and worry about the season of life I was in amidst cultural changes.

There's this Dave Matthews Band song, "Samurai Cop," that I'd listen to while holding my baby. One particular lyric consistently pulled me to tears:

"Let's not forget these early days
Remembering we began the same
We lose our way in fear and pain
Oh joy begin"

Here's what gets me every time: looking at my newborn, seeing that pure innocence, and realizing something profound: we all start out the same way—perfect, precious, and full of possibility. It's a beautiful yet heartbreaking truth—every person who challenges us today was once someone's perfect baby. And yet, we lose our way through fear and pain…

When Pain Wears a Mask

So, I want to talk about something that feels relevant right now: the "alpha male" persona. According to Terrence Real, a renowned couples therapist who's spent decades studying men and relationships, it's often masking something deeper: a depression that cannot be expressed.

We live in a world that celebrates the hustle, the grind, the "never stop" mentality. For men especially, showing any sign of weakness can feel threatening to their very identity. So they lean hard into behaviors our culture actually rewards:

• They distance themselves emotionally (because feeling nothing feels safer than feeling everything)

• They pour themselves into work and achievements (because external validation is easier than self-acceptance)

• They might become aggressive or dominant (because vulnerability feels like weakness)

• They refuse help (because "real men" handle things alone)

The Roots Run Deep

Let's take a step back in time. Consider these familiar phrases no doubt you’ve heard or even said yourself:

• "Big boys don't cry."

• "Man up."

• "Don't act like a girl."

• "Boys will be boys."

These aren't just words – they're the building blocks of what Real calls "psychological patriarchy." Around age 3-4, our little boys learn that their emotions (big and small) are wrong or shameful. They're being told to cut off a part of themselves just to fit in.

The Double Wound

Here's where it gets complex. Real talks about a "double trauma" that happens:

1. First, there's the original emotional hurt. This can come in so many forms but often is an attachment wound. Attachment wounds are when we do not get what we need from our primary care-givers in the form of safety, security and/or consistent care (emotionally and physically). Consistent emotional support, comfort and protection are vital for a new human to feel safe, loved and secure in that love.

2. Then comes the trauma of having to pretend that hurt doesn't exist. Gabor Maté famously says “trauma (or original wounds) is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you”. So often, it is our traumas (chronic attachment wounds is trauma) prohibit us from being our authentic selves because we’ve had to mold our personalities to overcome the deep hurt.

Over time, these little boys grow into men who:

• Struggle to name their feelings

• Feel deep shame about their vulnerabilities

• Chase achievement or control to feel okay

• Find it hard to connect deeply in relationships

• And often pass these same patterns to their sons

Breaking the Cycle

Real describes a "heritage of shame" that is passed down through generations of men, where fathers who haven't processed their own emotional wounds end up inadvertently inflicting similar injuries on their sons.

Now, it’s an uphill battle to get men to therapy in general, especially men who have buried their pain for so long. Men who haven’t been modeled emotional vulnerability by their own fathers or father figures may not see that they have choice in how they respond.

However, we’re in a critical time for our world and the balance of energy. The feminine influence is rising and is essential to balancing this psychological patriarchy inflicting our boys but also our world as they grow up and influence others.

Here's how we can help create safe spaces for men to reconnect with their emotions:

1. Support their inner child healing journey that addresses early disconnection

2. Encourage mindfulness and sitting with emotions instead of converting them to anger

3. Help them develop self-compassion to quiet that harsh inner critic

4. Start small with emotional vocabulary – sometimes just naming feelings is a huge first step

The key is approaching this gently. Think about how you'd treat someone who's learning to trust again—with patience and understanding. Underneath every tough exterior, there might be someone who just needs to know it's safe to feel.

We all began the same. We all have the capacity to heal. And it's never too late to reconnect with that authentic self. And we’re never, ever alone in this.

I encourage you to share this email with the men in your life who need love, support, and understanding as they navigate their pain. Vulnerability is a superpower and the real test of strength. 

This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels

Tools
One of the best ways to access our Inner Child is through intentional trauma-informed work. I love deep diving with clients through our intensive program, which quickly gets to the root of their narratives and reprocesses them into positive beliefs. It’s my honor to witness this intense, amazing work each time. 

Gratitude
The other day, I saw something about women posting profiles on online dating websites with one essential disclaimer: men, if you’re not in therapy, do not make a move. Talk about boundaries and expectation settings. I’m here for it, and I'm grateful for the accountability. 

Innovation
This may be out there for some of you… but there’s talk in the astrological communities that we are in an age of Aquarius, which is about rebalancing the feminine and masculine energies. It’s fascinating and palpable. If you’re curious to learn more, I encourage you to check out Elise Loehnen’s many speakers on her podcast.

Feels
I want to end this by saying thank you to all of our male clients. Thank you for breaking the cycle. Thank you for going against cultural norms. Thank you for being a model to the next generation. You are brave, and we see you. Now, just tell your friends ;)