TGIF | Finding Balance in an Unbalanced World
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
Yesterday, after a morning of keeping my cool during my 4-year-old's tantrum, I visited the local hardware store in search of a tool to change the batteries in my son's "train that goes by itself."
I couldn't find the tool, and when I asked an employee at the store for help, he graciously gave me an entire kit to bring home, try each tool, and return once I found a solution. This kindness and trust meant the world to me.
In fact, these genuine moments of connection with the world are everything. Kindness, trust, and goodwill are still here, available and necessary more than ever.
What we need is the faith and persistence to pay attention to the good that is here and engage with it.
Whenever we're overwhelmed, anxious, or feeling defeated, it's imperative that we continue to show up in this world. Isolating behind screens does not result in progress, no matter how many emails you send to representatives or journalists you follow on Substack.
Progress is made in the little moments of connecting to other humans through generosity, kindness, and warmth. Progress is seeing the human and good in one another.
Progress is being able to create space to feel uncertain, worried, and scared while also having faith that it'll all be okay. This, my friends, is what we're talking about today.
Know Thy Neighbor
I ended last week's newsletter with the message to be kind to your neighbor, but I want to take it further: do you know your neighbor? The stories from the LA fires have been filled with the surprise and wonderment of neighbors coming together in crisis. In LA, they notoriously do not know their neighbors. People were shocked to feel the camaraderie with these once-strangers.
I am 100% aware that my neighbors and I do not all share the same viewpoints on world events and decisions. I know that by election yard signs - simple as that! But I also know that one neighbor is so generous and lets my kids use his fancy golf simulator and will play catch with them in the yard for hours. I know another neighbor helps fetch my dog each time she wanders across the fence. I know that another neighbor will run over at any moment with anything I could possibly need, no questions asked.
When we know each other, we see the human in each other, regardless of our differences.
Be the Bigger Person
What good does it serve to hold onto judgment, resentment, and pain? I can guarantee that you've hurt people in your life. Whether you are aware of it or not, your actions have caused others pain. Your actions have made people question your integrity, trustworthiness, and values. Your behavior has made people mad. It could be as simple as cutting someone off in traffic because you were distracted by a crying child or losing your composure with a customer service representative. It could be hurting a family member due to your long-standing inability to be honest with yourself about your feelings.
You've hurt people. And yes, people have hurt you. Pain is inevitable in this life - pain from discomfort, uncertainty, betrayal, disappointment, neglect, abandonment, and violence. But it is our choice what we do with it.
Suffering is when we stay in the pain and let it build into resentment, bitterness, cynicism, judgments, superiority, and victimhood.
I know many of you feel tremendous disappointment in hordes of people. Okay. Same. Allow those feelings to be felt. Yell, scream, go to a rage room, talk to a therapist, breathe deeply through yoga, punch a bag, go on a run - move through it.
But do not let it overwhelm you. You are allowed to have a feeling, but you do not have to become the feeling. Be the bigger person and do not become resentful, cynical, or a victim.
Feel the feeling. Move through it.
Feeling it All is The Real Flex
I have two sincere flexes: being in my PJs by 8:30 pm almost every night and the ability to feel two conflicting things at the same time.
The latter is a lifelong practice - the practice of non-duality, balance, or working with polarities.
I'm aware when my body is stressed. My muscles are tense, my sleep is chaotic, I forget to drink water, and I'm keeping in a growing irritability with the control of a monk so I do not explode all over everyone.
And yet, within that stress, I can also hold deep love for my tantruming child. I can breathe so deeply that my nerves settle. I can conjure peace and knowing through remembering that this is all so much bigger than me or this one moment. I can return to a knowing that yes, it really will all be okay.
One of the biggest lessons from my yoga teacher program 10+ years ago was from a long-time meditation teacher. It was so simple and profound. He said, "Shhhh. The secret to meditation is knowing it will all be okay."
That's it. That's why we practice nervous system regulation. That's why we remember to be the observer of our thoughts. That's why we practice non-attachment. That's why we let go of the ego and all its fear-mongering.
It will all be okay.
Acceptance of Okayness
And here's the thing: When you accept "okayness," you're also acknowledging a certain amount of pain, discomfort, uncertainty, grief, hard work, and tragedy. No one said this life was all rainbows, sunshine, magic, and pleasure. You should and can find those moments! Joy is a birthright and is essential to seek and experience. However, joy isn't thrills and perfection.
Joy is actually peace. Joy is the acceptance of okayness. Joy is the relief from suffering that comes from resistance to what is. Joy is contentment, joy is empowerment, and joy is choice.
When we practice the balance of discomfort and faith, we also welcome in the experience of joy and peace. Every single moment is an opportunity to find equanimity in our brains, bodies, and souls. Equanimity - a calm and centeredness that comes with embracing the good and the bad.
Friends, we're mid-winter and surrounded by chaotic news. Don't let it consume you - feel your negative feelings, acknowledge your despairing thoughts, and breathe into equanimity.
That is the ultimate compassion exercise: Meeting all of it, all of them, all of the stuff... with kindness.
Stay bold. Stay brave. Stay calm. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
If you’re not meditating yet, this is your sign to finally start that practice. Please. I beg of you. Start with just 5 minutes to simply notice your thoughts. Put down your phone and doom-scrolling to just get some space from all the noise. I PROMISE you it’ll help.
Gratitude
I spoke a few weeks ago about my morning routine and when I am really stressed and dysregulated, I am so grateful for the quiet me-time each morning. I honestly do not know how I’d handle it all without it. If you haven’t yet secured your sacred hour, again, an invitation: do it now.
Innovation
Like in any time of crisis, I spent some time trying to get real news. At first, I was relieved to find steady voices on SubStack, a completely independent platform where journalists and anyone can share their own news on Substack. However, soon I realized social media doomscrolling was just replaced by doom in-depth reading. So, I limit my news and media to just one consistent source while checking in on my podcasts when a friend tells me to. And anytime my husband tries to tell me “news” he got from social media I immediately remind him of algorithms and misinformation. Just be careful out there not to get caught up.
Feels
One of our supervisors went to a rage room this last weekend and expressed that they haven’t felt calm in their body like that ever before - after the intense release of physically raging. If you feel you have energy that needs a good workout, try one out. Highly recommend hitting something in a controlled and safe environment for your health ;)