TGIF | The Quiet Danger of “Othering”
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Dear Friend,
Last week, I stood before a room full of mental health professionals discussing building bridges. The conference theme couldn't have been more timely - bringing people and perspectives together in a world that seems determined to pull us apart. As I shared my framework for authentic wholeness, I found myself reflecting on something that's been weighing heavily on my heart.
I caught myself doing it again yesterday - crafting an entire narrative about someone based solely on surface observations: the podcast playing from their car, the bumper sticker displayed, and even the type of car they were driving. In mere seconds, my mind had constructed a complete story about who they were, what they believed, and how fundamentally different they must be from me. Different. Other. Potentially threatening. This instantaneous categorization happened so automatically that I barely noticed until I paused to reflect.
In that moment of awareness, I felt a profound sadness wash over me. How quickly we forget our shared humanity and effortlessly erect barriers between ourselves and others based on fragments of information that barely scratch the surface of a person's truth. This "othering" - this judgment we cast so reflexively - isn't just hurting those we judge; it's diminishing our capacity for connection and shrinking our collective possibility to create something beautiful together in this fragile world.
Beyond Self-Righteousness: The Path to Wholeness
The rage, hate, and vitriol being thrown in all directions give me little hope some days, leaving me disappointed and fearful we'll never rise collectively to something more loving and unified. Everyone seems convinced they stand on higher moral ground than those they condemn, ironically engaging in the same behaviors they so vehemently criticize in others. This self-righteousness has become a pandemic—infecting the left, the right, and the center—with none of us truly immune to its seductive certainty and the false comfort it provides.
But in my quieter, more centered moments, I refuse to believe we can't do better or transcend this cycle of judgment and division. It starts with each of us becoming mindful of our observations, assumptions, and the stories we so readily construct about others without adequate evidence or compassion.
Authenticity, or being true to oneself, is a fundamental human need, and suppressing our true selves can be a survival strategy, but one that ultimately hinders healing and well-being. In a world that feels increasingly unstable, we must reset our survival instincts and come to wholeness to heal the direction of humanity.
The Revolutionary Practice of True Mindfulness
Remember the fundamental definition of mindfulness: observing without judgment. Genuine mindfulness involves approaching life with genuine curiosity rather than instant categorization. Yet, we rarely practice this essential skill, especially when confronted with differences that challenge our worldview or make us uncomfortable.
We're all navigating terrain that feels increasingly treacherous; we're all making decisions from places of fear sometimes; we're all longing for security in an inherently insecure world. Can we recognize this shared experience instead of fixating on our differences? Fear divides and isolates us, driving us further from the curiosity and compassion that could heal our fractured connections.
Consider how you would feel discovering all the assumptions someone was making about you based on fragments of what they observe - your clothing choices, your social media posts, where you shop, what you drive. It would hurt deeply, wouldn't it? Yet we routinely do this to others, convincing ourselves it's justified because we're "seeing clearly" while they remain blind.
Surrendering to Uncertainty
We construct these rigid frameworks, these confining boxes to sort people into, all in desperate pursuit of certainty in an uncertain world. We actively resist the uncomfortable truth that we cannot predict what others will do, what nature will unleash, or even what we might do next. This illusion of predictability makes us feel temporarily safer but keeps us trapped in delusion rather than engaged with reality.
I invite you to try this transformative mindfulness exercise with me right now: "I notice, I wonder, I think."
Take a moment. Look at something in your environment or bring a challenging situation to mind. Breathe deeply into your body. What do you notice without interpretation? What do you genuinely wonder about it? What thoughts arise when you consider it? Now, what do you notice differently after this brief practice?
Finding Freedom in Letting Go
At the conference, I witnessed a woman practice this exercise while spiraling with anxiety about global conditions. What emerged wasn't more fear, but profound grief - grief over what she cannot control, grief acknowledging she cannot fully protect her children from life's uncertainties. In recognizing and naming this emotion, she experienced a dramatic somatic release, moving from mental spinning into embodied wisdom, from rigid resistance into a form of surrender that paradoxically brought greater freedom and peace.
We are not in control of everything that happens in this wild, unpredictable world. But we remain in control of our thoughts, judgments, and behaviors—the inner landscape that determines how we move through difficulty and how we treat each other along the way.
We are the sum of our parts. Each part influences the other, and we must look at ourselves and others in that context. When we understand ourselves as integrated wholes rather than fragmented parts, we can begin to see others the same way - as complex beings whose behaviors, even when challenging, are often protective responses to perceived threats.
Being the Bridge in a Divided World
In a world that feels increasingly threatening, can you be the person who chooses kindness over convenience? Can you be the one who smiles at strangers, brings light into darkness, and refuses to perpetuate cycles of judgment and fear? We desperately need higher vibrations circulating through our collective field - not toxic positivity that denies reality, but the deep knowing that comes with true surrender. Taking life one day at a time. Being the best we can be under difficult circumstances and becoming a bridge in a world determined to build walls.
An accessible place to start is with our relationship to our bodies. Are we feeling what's occurring beneath our thoughts? Are we noticing our nervous systems, physical reactions, and emotional intensity before they overflow into reactive behavior?
I've been experiencing anxiety nightmares lately - my subconscious is processing my daytime concerns while I sleep. Rather than ignoring these signals, I'm working to notice them with compassion and allow them to move through me. To get curious about what they're trying to communicate. To release tension instead of carrying it forward. To ground myself by feeling my feet on the earth, taking deep belly breaths, softening my raised shoulders, prioritizing restorative sleep, movement that brings joy, laughter with loved ones, and meaningful connection wherever I can find it.
Coming Together, Right Now
We must meet our nervous systems where they are - honoring our needs while extending that same grace to others equally overwhelmed by these challenging times. Let's stop othering and start recognizing our fundamental interconnection. It's not just idealism - it's the only viable path forward if we hope to collectively address the complex problems facing us.
As the Beatles sang so beautifully decades ago when facing similar fears and division: "Come together, right now." Their simple lyric carries profound wisdom for our moment.
I believe in us, in you, in our capacity to choose connection over division, curiosity over judgment, compassion over fear—one interaction, one breath, one moment of genuine presence at a time. In resetting our survival instincts and coming to wholeness, we don't just heal ourselves—we help heal the direction of humanity.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
A long-time client of mine just had her first KAP experience, something that, after years of therapy, a tool she felt ready for. What emerged was not a huge trauma unlock but the realization of choice. Choose joy. Choose life. Choose to let things go. It was beautiful and empowering.
Gratitude
I’ve found that practicing gratitude is the first thing that shifts me out of my negative spirals and judgmental, comparing thoughts. It starts simply: I am here, alive, and have a body. From there, it grows. Everyone has access to something to be thankful for.
Innovation
Last week, I also got to speak to Northville School District 5th-8th graders and their parents about technology and social media. The content is good, but the most crucial part of the presentation was the 15 minutes where we asked parents and children to talk to each other. Caregivers, never discredit the value of intentional, uninterrupted 10 minutes to connect.
Feels
This week is my youngest son’s 5th birthday, and gosh, it brings up lots of feelings. I want to validate that you may be feeling really scared right now. As a mom, I feel that deep vulnerability, too. But right now, in this moment, you are okay. And that’s key - take each moment as it comes and trust you’ll know when you need further action. Trust your deepest wisdom - not the monkey mind - but the layers below. That voice is softer, tender, not so manic and panicked. Give it space to be heard. I believe you’ll find better guidance there than up in your head.