TGIF | Why Mindful Awareness is Key to Overcoming Stress and Perfectionism
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Dear Community,
Wow, what a weekend it was! The last days of school, birthdays, special events, and activities all piled up into one non-stop whirlwind. While I felt fine throughout it all—surviving, you could say—come Monday, I crashed. Hard. I found myself in a fog, fatigued, overwhelmed, and riddled with anger, resentment, and frustration. It was like all the feelings hit me at once, and I was left spinning.
Recognizing the Dominating Parts
I’ve come to realize there are parts of us that many of us find more dominating: the perfectionist, the workaholic, and the martyr. When I’m not careful, I can find myself acting from all three without even realizing it. It’s like an automatic response, a well-worn path of behavior that leads me to put my own needs last.
We all have reasons for why we fall into these patterns. It’s often about our learned behaviors, our shame and fear driving our reactions. It’s about the personalities we develop to cope with our insecurities and worries—the ones we believe are truly us, shaping our thoughts, behaviors, and perceived destinies.
Understanding the Why
Many of us know why we lean into perfectionism, martyrdom, or workaholism. We want to be seen a certain way, to right some wrongs, to prove our worthiness, to avoid the painful sting of rejection we’ve felt in the past. We strive to win the game of life, to feel safe, and to avoid getting hurt again.
From a psychological standpoint, these fears and pressures can be understood through several lenses:
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: At a fundamental level, humans have needs for safety, belonging, and esteem. When these needs are not met adequately, we may overcompensate by striving for external achievements to feel secure and valued.
Attachment Theory: Our early relationships influence how we perceive ourselves and our worth. If we experienced conditional love or approval, we might grow up believing that we need to earn love through achievements.
Cognitive Behavioral Theory: Our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors. If we hold core beliefs that we are only worthy if we achieve, these thoughts drive us to overwork and overcommit.
But today, I want to shift our focus. Instead of delving into why we do this, I want to talk about how we numb the pain—the emotions that drive our tendencies and coping mechanisms. We all do it. We scroll through our phones, shop online, eat, drink, smoke, gossip, vent, game, or obsess. All these behaviors are responses to feeling out of control.
Numbing the Pain
And that’s exactly how I felt on Monday - out of control. My day was chaotic, my schedule upended by the new summer (lack of) structure, the house overstimulating, and I didn’t wake up early enough for my sacred quiet hour because I stayed up too late reading, desperate for some solitude. It’s a vicious cycle—our need to control due to the pain of helplessness, uncertainty, and fear is an addiction in itself. We’re all trying to soothe, to avoid the pain, to avoid the truth.
As a society, I wonder how this is working for us. It means we’re constantly in a state of fight or flight. We’re stressed, even if it’s subconscious, buzzing beneath the surface of our awareness. This weekend, I would have said I wasn’t stressed—life was full and beautiful and I was so grateful. But in retrospect, it was a LOT, and clearly, my nervous system felt it. Beautiful and fun, yes, but still a lot.
Many of us are driven by a deep-seated fear of not living enough, doing enough, or accomplishing enough. This fear, combined with societal pressures and personal expectations, leads us to overextend ourselves. We often feel pressured to keep up with others, to experience everything, and to not miss any opportunities. Social media exacerbates this fear by presenting a curated view of others’ lives, making us feel inadequate or left behind. We worry about looking back on our lives with regret, wishing we had done more, seen more, or achieved more. This fear drives us to pack our schedules and push ourselves beyond our limits.
Additionally, we often believe that if we work hard enough and do everything right, we can control the outcomes of our efforts. This illusion gives us a false sense of security. We think that by achieving enough, we can secure a better future. However, the future is inherently uncertain, and no amount of control can guarantee specific outcomes.
Practicing Mindful Awareness
One practice I encourage, both for myself and my clients, is to separate the urge from the behavior. We have that impulse—to soothe via Amazon, Target, or Sephora shopping; to scroll through funny videos; to eat ice cream; to get angry at a family member; to fire off a quick text message. But what if we catch ourselves? What if we become aware of that urge—the urge to numb a painful or uncomfortable feeling? It’s a skill and a worthy practice.
From a neurological perspective, urges are linked to the brain's reward system. When we engage in behaviors that provide immediate pleasure or relief (like shopping, eating, or scrolling), our brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This dopamine release reinforces the behavior, making us more likely to repeat it in the future.
However, this creates a cycle where we become reliant on these behaviors to manage our emotions, often leading to negative consequences such as financial stress, health issues, or strained relationships.
Even when the urge feels warranted—to respond to something, to hold someone accountable, to genuinely want that ice cream—can we wait? Try it first for 90 seconds. Then 5 minutes. Maybe even 30 minutes. Set a reminder on your phone to revisit it. If it’s still important after 30 minutes, you’ll address it from a very different, more regulated state.
Mindful awareness involves being present and fully engaged with whatever we’re doing in the moment. This practice helps us to notice our urges without immediately acting on them. Here’s how you can start to cultivate this practice:
Notice the Urge: The first step is to become aware of when an urge arises. Pay attention to your body and mind. What are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? What thoughts are running through your mind?
Pause and Reflect: Instead of immediately acting on the urge, take a moment to pause. This can be as short as a few seconds. Use this time to reflect on what’s really happening. What emotion are you trying to escape or soothe? Is it stress, boredom, sadness, or something else?
Name the Emotion: Identifying and naming the emotion you’re feeling can help to reduce its power. Simply saying to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious,” or “I’m feeling bored,” can create a sense of distance between you and the emotion.
Choose Your Response: Once you’ve identified the urge and the emotion behind it, you can make a conscious choice about how to respond. This might mean waiting a few minutes before acting, or choosing a different, healthier way to address the emotion.
Practical Strategies for Managing Urges
Delay Gratification: Try delaying the action you want to take. Start with small increments of time—90 seconds, then 5 minutes, and maybe up to 30 minutes. This gives you time to assess if you really need to act on the urge or if it will pass on its own.
Engage in Alternative Activities: Find healthier ways to cope with your emotions. This could be going for a walk, practicing deep breathing exercises, journaling, or talking to a friend.
Set Reminders: Use your phone or a timer to set reminders to revisit the urge. If it’s still important after some time has passed, you can address it from a calmer, more regulated state.
Reflect on the Outcome: After the urge has passed, take some time to reflect on the experience. How did it feel to delay acting on the urge? What did you learn about your emotions and your ability to manage them?
Compassionate Connection
Now, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, to stumble, to need a break. What’s important is how we respond to these moments. Instead of rushing to numb the discomfort, let’s try to sit with it, understand it, and respond with kindness and compassion towards ourselves. It’s not easy, but it’s a practice that can lead to a more balanced, peaceful, and fulfilling life. That’s one worth working towards.
As always, remember, you’re never alone. Thanks for being here.
Hugs.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL—I recently upgraded my meditation space, finally having a corner that fits everything I wanted: a bookshelf, a window, and quiet. I know we can technically meditate anywhere, but having an alluring space to drop into is helping me stay more consistent with my practice.
GRATITUDE—Windows open, music on, smells of bonfire and BBQs, children playing… summer. It’s a vibe. So grateful for this season.
INNOVATION—Lately, I’ve been practicing visualization of being a glowing pillar of light when I start to dysregulate. Instead of taking on everyone’s stress, I emanate my own power and peace. As a chronic rescuer, this has saved me many times.
FEELS—Despite the fullness of it all, I had the most perfect birthday last Friday. Thank you to those of you who reached out, it meant the world to me. We went to explore new gardens, ate at our favorite restaurant, and found a new, amazing nail salon. Pretty simple, pretty great.
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