TGIF | Finding Your Chill: A Deep Dive into Nervous System Regulation and Authentic Calm
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Dear Community,
Let's talk about calm. But not just any calm – we're diving deep into authentic calm, the kind rooted in nervous system regulation, not avoidance.
First things first, breathe. Take a deep, slow inhale, filling your belly, not your chest. Now exhale completely. Notice how your body feels. Feeling tense? Shallow breaths? These are all signs your nervous system might be out of whack.
Calm vs. Regulated: What's the Difference?
Many of us confuse feeling calm with being regulated. Think about it: People pleasers might feel calm, but that calmness often stems from a fear of conflict. Easygoing folks might project calmness, but that could be a mask for hypervigilance, constantly scanning for ways to avoid upsetting others. True nervous system regulation isn't about shutting down emotions; it's about experiencing them without getting hijacked by them. It's the ability to witness and process our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones while staying connected to our true selves.
The Witnessing State: When Your Kids Turn Up the Volume
Let's face it, parenting throws some epic curveballs. Imagine this: The house is a cacophony, your kids are in full meltdown mode, and you feel the familiar tension creeping in. Your hands clench, your heart races and a fiery irritation builds. The urge to explode is real! But before you lose your cool, take a deep breath. Enter the witnessing state.
Here's how I navigate these moments:
Slow Down: I take deep, calming breaths and speak slower than usual.
Visualization: I imagine myself radiating golden light, calm and peaceful. It's a powerful way to shift my energy.
Feel the Feels: I acknowledge the stress, irritation, and annoyance, but I don't let them control me. This connection to my emotions helps me stay present and avoid a meltdown of my own.
The Flip Side of Dissociation: When Zoning Out Isn't Zen
Dissociation, the act of checking out emotionally, can be just as detrimental as volcanic rage. We all do it – scrolling mindlessly through social media to numb our stress or raiding the fridge for a sugar rush to avoid restlessness. This avoidance behavior might feel relaxing in the short term, but it disconnects us from our emotions and keeps us stuck in a dysregulated state.
Polyvagal Theory: Understanding Your Nervous System's Gears
Let's get technical for a second. The polyvagal theory explains how our nervous system responds to threats. There are three key states:
Dorsal Vagal Shut Down: This is the "freeze" response, where we completely disengage from the situation. Think fainting or feeling numb.
Sympathetic State: This is "fight or flight" mode, where our bodies get pumped with adrenaline to deal with perceived danger.
Parasympathetic State (Ventral Vagal State): Ah, the sweet spot! This is the state of rest, digestion, and regulation. We can still be active in this state, but we're not in fight-or-flight mode. Think of working out with a focused, calm energy.
The Goal: Staying in the Ventral Vagal Zone
The key to authentic calm is staying in the ventral vagal state, even when emotions run high. Here are a few tips:
Deep Breathing: It's a classic for a reason! Deep, slow breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system and promote relaxation.
Body Scans: Take a moment to tune into your physical sensations. Are your shoulders tense? Jaw clenched? Notice these signs and consciously relax those areas.
Mindfulness Practices: Meditation, yoga, and spending time in nature are all excellent ways to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Thriving Through Regulation
The ability to stay regulated is a superpower in this crazy world. It allows us to navigate challenges with grace, maintain healthy relationships, and radiate an energy that uplifts ourselves and those around us. Remember, authentic calm isn't about suppressing emotions; it's about acknowledging them, processing them, and moving forward with a clear head and a peaceful heart.
Mastering nervous system regulation is a journey, not a destination. There will be bumps along the road and moments when you feel flooded or shut down. But with practice and self-compassion, you'll develop the tools to navigate these challenges and cultivate a sense of inner peace that empowers you to truly thrive.
You’re never alone.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL—Wish to learn more about this topic of nervous system regulation? I love the books "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine.
GRATITUDE—I also have loved Dr Deb Dana forever. Check out this podcast episode on 10% Happier that explores the polyvagal theory in detail and provides practical exercises for fostering connection and nervous system regulation.
INNOVATION—Did you know that at Reset, nervous system regulation is our jam? Look for our therapists specializing in somatic therapy, yoga-informed therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or trauma-informed therapy to help with this type of work.
FEELS—A lovely therapist shared with me this app, Smiling Mind, which is an Australian company (yes, those accents!) to help kiddos practice their big feeling moments.