TGIF | Rethinking Beauty: Cultivating Self-Worth and Body Positivity
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You Are More Beautiful Than You Think
In honor of Maternal Mental Health Month and Mother's Day, I'm writing to all the women who think less of themselves.
My dear friend recently sent me the Dove Real Beauty Sketches video, which, while a few years old, is still incredibly impactful. The video shows women describing themselves to a sketch artist and then describing someone they recently met. The sketch artist compares the two photos, revealing a startling difference. As one woman said, "The way we view ourselves is critical - it informs what jobs we interview for, our social circles, how we dream, and the potential we envision for ourselves."
I'm no stranger to insecurity. My therapy revolves around the core belief that I am worthy only based on my appearance. Growing up in a competitive, affluent town in Chicago, I believed that looks determined social hierarchy. If you're not perfect, you're out. This belief was reinforced when I gained popularity after losing weight and felt shame when I didn't "look my best." The belief that my lovability came only from my looks led to a chronic eating disorder in high school, and I've only recently begun recovery.
Upon recently reading Elise Loehnen's book, On Our Best Behavior, I felt her words deeply. She explores the expectations women face in society - being good, obedient, quiet, agreeable, beautiful, hospitable, and more. A quote from Loehnen summarizes my therapy work: "We are coached, above all, to prioritize our likability as the surest path to safety and survival." My therapist reminded me that my behaviors to modify my appearance were for my safety and to feel accepted and loved.
Through parts work, I've given voice to my fearful parts, still scared of rejection. I recently told my therapist, "This is the hardest work I've ever done." Unraveling decades of behavior that gave me the illusion of control is daunting. Letting go of the idea that I can control who likes me, what people say about me, and how I'm perceived is a scary illusion.
In the unknown, the world I do not control, know I must feel more - the grief of my narratives growing up, the fear of uncertainty, and the noise in my head with opinions on what I should eat, wear, and act to gain approval. My coping behaviors kept me disconnected from all of this. I'm learning to cultivate safety from within, trusting my body like I trust my home. When I picture my home, I see areas for improvement, but I'm not bothered by that.
Seeing my body as a home, I can more easily trust in it, relax into its wisdom, and believe in its worth. It's a relationship that needs cultivation, one that I'm building with unconditional love and respect. When we battle with our bodies and appearance, we miss opportunities to connect with our true essence and each other. If we believe we must appear a certain way to be loved, we operate from a place of scarcity, putting us in competition with each other.
I often feel fatigued by it all but remain steadfast in hope. As women, I wish for us all to break free from judgment and shame and offer more validation to ourselves and one another. This is a journey best done together.
At the end of this month, Mel Sulaver and I are hosting a women’s circle for women above age 35 who are curious about their aging bodies and the transition to menopause. I hope you’ll come together with me and other women who want to connect and empower each other through this sensitive and unknown time. Space is very limited, as we’re intentionally curating an intimate setting.
As Loehnen leaves it, "Peace will come when we get into the river of life together, when we accept that we are all bound to each other, when we share the burdens—and beauty—of care, for a more balanced future."
Hugs - you’re never alone.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL - Kate Rowe-Ham is a beacon of empowerment for women. I recently DMed with her directly and her response was a big hug. Real humans, women, supporting each other is the best. Give her a follow (if that’s your sort of thing).
GRATITUDE—After 6 years of being an outsider in a new town, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for my girlfriends here. They know who they are, and nothing makes me feel safer than having solid friends in your community.
INNOVATION— I LOVE Substack. Elise Loehnen’s page is a favorite. I also follow other influential authors and am starting to create my own page. More on that soon, but I’m excited to use the publication to write more often and more intimately.
FEELS - Mother’s Day is a complicated holiday and I feel that and feel it for you. I hope however you spend Sunday, you find something that is just for you because that’s what I believe Mama Nature, the ultimate Mama, would want for you. Rest in her support. You’re always held.
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