TGIF: How to Slow Down Your Busy Life
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Dear Community,
Welcome to our weekly well-being column TGIF - Your Weekly Reset. Each week I will answer questions from you (or topics of general interest!), bringing in themes of mental wellness-related tools, reminders of gratitude, innovative solutions, and a summary of my own feelings related to the topic.
Submit your questions - things heavy on your heart and mind or just questions you feel better asking anonymously, as often as you’d like and I’ll be sure to address them in our upcoming columns.
As always, thanks for being here.
This week’s question is about the pressure we put on ourselves to DO, something I know so many of you can relate to.
I want to talk about my dependence on doing all the things to avoid possible negative outcomes. As a mom, if I think through and play logistical Tetris I can maximize and be hyper-efficient and fit all these things in and avoid the disappointment, meltdowns, the shame. I put pressure on myself that if I can make a decision everyone will be happy and it will also serve my business, family, client, etc.
Dear Reader,
In breaking down this question, what I’m hearing is the need for control and efforts to plan in order to manage a desirable outcome with all the responsibilities - career, health, kids, family - in your life. You’re busy and your life is full.
You want to do your best, not disappoint anyone, ensure your kid’s healthy future, maintain a solid marriage, sleep enough, eat mindfully, stay strong, not forget anything, be emotionally available, and have a career of your own.
You want it all, right? And who would blame you? American culture promulgates that if you just work hard enough, you can have it all.
And yet, you’re exhausted. You always feel like you’re failing. You never seem to have enough or do enough because someone is always unhappy. You feel if you’re perfect in routine, structure, and schedule then maybe you’ll offset consequences.
So let’s talk about how to slow down this busy life of yours, the life in which you’re doing so much because it feels very necessary and your responsibility.
TOOLS
What I love about this reader’s question is her awareness. She knows exactly what she is doing and why she is doing it.
One of the first tools for slowing down is simply being aware of when you are not slow. Be aware of your rushing. Be aware of your pace in this life.
Are you constantly feeling behind and overwhelmed? How does your heart rate feel? How are your digestion and sleep?
I love our Cycle of Stress model for this very purpose - build the awareness of how you are operating in your life and give yourself opportunities to check in, practice more witnessing instead of reacting, and notice shifts in then the pace of your responses. In those shifts comes even more awareness so you can peel back the layers to reveal the why behind your needs for control, busyness, and productivity.
GRATITUDE
A couple of weekends ago I was forced to rest. I was sick, my husband was out of town and that would normally be a recipe for a disaster. However, I was grateful for my kid’s grandparents who swooped in and kept the kids out of the house all weekend. So I could rest.
But let me tell you - I had a hard time resting. I literally did not know what to do. I didn’t feel good enough to be productive and yet didn’t feel bad enough to sleep all day.
And here’s what was funny: since becoming a parent, rest has always felt like it needs to produce something. I need to have rested and leisurely walked the dog. Rested by going to yoga. Rested and read my latest book club book. Rested and finished that documentary about climate change. Rested and organized my closet, meal prepped, and did the baby books.
But I didn’t do any of that when I was just sick enough that weekend. In that in-between state, I watched TV. I binged on 2 seasons of Teen Fanfare and both enjoyed it and felt so uncomfortable “wasting” all that time.
For a decade, I’ve confused rest with leisurely, finally getting sh*t done.
INNOVATION
One of our team members shared a wonderful analogy the other day of an innovative approach to rest.
He said, “Think of yourself as an iPhone. When the battery dies, you must plug it in. If you simply rest the iPhone down, it does not recharge. You have to think of yourself and what you can plug into in order to refill your battery”.
And honestly? At first, I took offense to this. What about the famous (business inspiring!?!?) quote from Anne Lammot, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”
My brain could not compute. This actually felt counterintuitive and also right.
You see, in reflecting on my weekend of “rest”, I realized that in fact, I was “resting” myself down. Literally on the couch horizontally.
But it didn’t recharge me. I had to consider what recharges me that isn’t just getting sh*t done I finally have time for.
Sleep. Simple and obvious. Being able to sleep at least 8 hours is recharging.
Time in nature. It doesn’t have to be an “exercise walk,” but just a few steps with my coffee cup in the backyard is enough.
Journaling. Pure word vomit with no objective. A truly shitty first draft.
Cuddles with the kids. Ideally, while watching the Great British Bake Off under cozy blankets, resting together.
An adult meal with adult conversation that isn’t about work or the kids. Needs no further explanation. IYKYK.
So often we get caught up in how to rest because maybe each one of us has a different definition of it, especially when we in fact look at rejuvenating and mindful rest. Not productive rest, but intentional rest.
Now, that’s not to say that sometimes a good Netflix binge is exactly what you need. But it’s a way of empowering yourself to slow down in a way that feels authentic and not escapist. It’s a way to be present in your life while still filling your cup, settling your nervous system, and letting go. It’s about being in a grounded, restful state instead of doing.
FEELS
And here I want to take things one step further. My sisters both sent me this Instagram post and based on its viral popularity, it clearly strikes a chord with a lot of women.
The words rest, recharge, and even “reset” feel different from RELAX.
I think for a long time a lot of us were shamed into “just relax, chill-ax, calm down” that relaxing almost felt dismissive, something you need to do to “not be crazy” and then if you do too much of it, you’re lazy.
But when I look at it from this brilliant writer’s prose, “relax” feels so soothing. Relaxing is a right. Relaxing is liberating. Relaxing feels like taking up space. It’s like a savansana at the end of yoga where you really spread out.
One of my best friends this week said, “You don’t have to hustle for your worthiness” and that was powerful. Readers, what would it feel like to not work harder in order to feel we’re doing a good enough job?
What would doing less look like?
I’ll give you an example of doing less that I tried today in yoga class. It was a slow class and I was sort of annoyed by it. After about 40 minutes I finally relaxed, ya’ll and the soft, subtle tender bits of my insight bubbled up to say “you’re doing too much”. And I was! In class, because I felt I needed to do more (you know, burn calories, get strong, sweat, make it “worth my time”), I was adding in my own extra moves and stretching harder.
So then I stopped. I decided to do just what I was cued to do. I didn’t go extra, I just softened into the pace of the class, accepting it and allowing my body to just literally, go with the flow.
I relaxed because I allowed myself freedom from the pressure of results, outcomes, and metrics. No goal in mind. Just existing, there, in my body and in that class.
And so dear reader. I’m still working on it, but I think that may be part of the answer: we must surrender the outcome. We must let go of whatever it is we’re working so hard to control - our kid’s success, the right meal plan, the client’s appreciation, the employee’s happiness, our spouse’s worthiness - it’s all an illusion and we’re killing ourselves trying to manage the outcome.
For lifetimes we have been told it’s our job to ensure everyone and everything else is okay. I watched the Barbie movie, it’s somewhat depressing. This martyr role isn’t working.
So how to slow down this busy life of yours, one where you’re trying to mitigate all risks by playing emotional Tetris? Let go of the illusion of control. You cannot fix it all, make it all better, be the healer of all of everyone’s problems, protect loved ones from everything harmful, or prohibit sadness.
Suffering, pain, heartache, tragedy, crises - they exist. But so does joy.
When I was in my Ketamine Treatment in early summer (more to come on that, promise!), my journey wasn’t a painful experience full of challenging lessons. That’s what I expected - I expected I would have to hustle for the worthiness.
Instead, it was joyful. It was beautiful and light and relaxing. I was free from all pressure and I felt liberated to enjoy my life. I have a quote on my wall now, “Be in joy. Enjoy this life. It’s all going to be okay” that came out of that experience.
I cannot do it all. And by doing less, I can set myself and those around me free from the pattern of pressure we put upon ourselves. It’s not mine to “kerry” any longer.
Click here to learn more about therapy for mindfulness.
Instead of busyness being the thread in which we all share, what if it’s joy?
Imagine.
Hugs,
Kerry
