TGIF: How to Get Someone to Go to Therapy
This article is part of our weekly TGIF newsletter series. To get these in your inbox weekly, sign up below:
Dear Community,
Welcome to our weekly well-being column TGIF - Your Weekly Reset. Each week I will answer questions from you (or topics of general interest!), bringing in themes of mental wellness-related tools, reminders of gratitude, innovative solutions, and a summary of my own feelings related to the topic.
Submit your questions - things heavy on your heart and mind or just questions you feel better asking anonymously, as often as you’d like and I’ll be sure to address them in our upcoming columns.
As always, thanks for being here.
This week’s question is about the complexity of caring for someone you love, and we’ll talk about it in a few ways.
My partner needs therapy but is refusing. I am starting to question whether they are the right person for me. How do I get them to go to therapy?!?
Dear Reader,
I love this question and I get it a lot. Whether your partner is “anti-therapy”, so severely depressed they feel hopeless, blind to their own issues, or stubborn AF, we can address this issue.
SO MANY couples struggle with the growth mindset gap. One partner is actively working on themselves, in therapy, reading all the books, meditating, and eating green juice while the other partner is still binging booze, addicted to social media, going out with friends until midnight, and denying the need for any help. It can be infuriating.
I want to address this question in a few ways because I want each of you to see how it can relate to your situation - even if you are not in a partnership or facing this reader’s concern.
TOOLS
The first issue we may encounter when we suggest therapy to someone and they downright refuse is that they do not understand therapy and are intimidated by the process.
Here are some common resistances to therapy and tools for how to overcome them:
I don’t need therapy, I’m not that bad.
Therapy, quite basically, is access to an unbiased, objective listener for whom you are not responsible for their feelings. You can say anything and do not need to worry about their thoughts or feelings about you. This person is not someone you need to worry about offending, telling your spouse about what you said, or disinviting you to a party because of your bad attitude.
This person is paid to be on your side. Seriously - you are paying them to listen to you, give you feedback, and HELP YOU! How cool is that? This is someone who is trained to help you with your habits, thoughts, and reactions and help you be successful, achieve goals, and be more happy in life.
Therapy can be about someone helping you make decisions in your life, work through career issues, help you stay motivated with your goals, and shift lifestyle habits for holistic health.
Therapy may not be about fixing anything, but it may just be about having a safe space to process things, gain insight, develop inner awareness, access more creativity and focus, and regulate our nervous system. Integrative modalities are great for allowing multiple ways to “do” therapy.
But how do I find the best therapist for me?
I get this feedback a lot too- especially when someone is first exploring therapy. They are looking for the perfect fit instead of the “good enough” fit. The perfect fit, people think, is the person who is exactly like them! Seriously! So many people think that if they are cis-female, mid-40s, married, with children, and in a heteronormative relationship then their therapist must be too.
Ageism is a huge issue in the therapy world too, and guess what? Younger therapists can be less jaded, more innovative, and more aware of the latest research. Check your biases and stay open-minded.
Your therapist does not (really should not) be just like you. It may feel more comfortable if you can see yourself in them, but that doesn’t always guarantee the best fit. The best person is the person who is going to hold a safe space, deeply listen, practice empathy, care intently about you, and allow you to feel like you matter.
Of course, you’ll want to feel accepted by them (you can usually determine this from their profile/populations they work with) but again, try not to look for yourself in your therapist. Diversity of perspectives is a value!
How do I know if I need a different therapist?
The single biggest thing to consider is, “Am I holding back from sharing my full truth with this person?" If the answer is yes, then it’s time to move on or drop in deeper. Is it your issue or is it because you no longer feel safe to share yourself because of how you feel the therapist has responded to you so far?
Sometimes, if we are holding ourselves back it has nothing to do with the therapist and everything to do with our readiness to be really, really vulnerable. Sometimes, it’s because we want our therapist to like us so we don’t want to share some of the ugly truths inside of us for fear of being judged. If it’s the latter, it’s time for a conversation with your therapist. And if it’s because you haven’t felt fully safe or heard by your therapist, I also recommend talking to them about it but it may just be time to find someone else.
Therapeutic alliance ruptures also occur. While not common, they do happen and it’s often painful for both sides. This occurs when trust has been broken by either party, diminishing the amount of care that was previously in the relationship. When a therapist feels they can no longer trust or respect the client, a rupture has occurred, and likewise, if the client feels that way about the therapist. If as a client, you have negative views of your therapist, then you know there has been a rupture, and a clinician is ethically mandated to refer a client out if they too feel this way about a client because then they no longer have the required empathy to hold space for the client. As painful as it is, ruptures are often important catalysts for getting a better route of care. Sometimes repair can happen, but like in all relationships, trust is a hard thing to get back and it can be better to move on.
Lastly, it is normal and appropriate to outgrow our therapists. Perhaps our conditions have changed, we need a specialist, we need a higher level of care, we want to try something different that our therapist cannot offer, or there has been that aforementioned rupture. Trust your gut when it’s time to move on and do not feel badly about informing your therapist that you have decided to go in a different direction. A well-adjusted, stable therapist will not take it harshly and just want what is best for you!
GRATITUDE
Being someone who recieves therapy does not mean something is wrong with you, you are broken or something to be ashamed of.
In fact, as Brene Brown says, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
Therapy is a resource. Therapy is a gift. Therapy is a privilege too, which is tough because therapy is also something everyone could benefit from. Unfortunately in our country therapy has financial and accessibility issues, so if you can get therapy, take advantage of this incredible resource.
If a loved one is concerned enough about you and cares enough about you to suggest therapy, be grateful for their love and support. When someone suggests you seek out therapy, see the opportunity in it, instead of rejection.
This person is offering you a gift: a gift of someone to be with you in all your humanness and let your guard down. What a relief to not have to face it alone or wear a mask all the time.
With a therapist, you can be messy, imperfect, raw, scared, and share your deepest fears. A loved one is offering you that space - so take it.
INNOVATION
So what if in spite of all your efforts, your loved one still will not seek therapy?
Here, you communicate a boundary.
So, your loved one refuses to seek therapy even though you have upsold it, offered it as a gift, found them someone, and all but filled out the paperwork?
You say, “I am worried about you. I cannot handle this on my own. It’s hurting me to watch you struggle. It’s your call if you’re going to go, but I’m asking you because I am so worried about you and need you to go talk to someone and get support.”
and…
“I cannot be in this relationship if you’re not going to get help. I will have to end this if you refuse to get help. I am very scared you will not be successful if you don’t get help. If you’re not going to address this, I cannot stay.”
Give some grace of time too, saying something like:
“I need you to book something and I need you to commit to it for at least 3 months” or “I need you to do this within the next month.”
Do not be so afraid of ultimatums. “Ultimatums” holds a negative stigma but at its core, it is a boundary. Boundaries are essential for your relationship with yourself and the success of your relationships with others. Boundaries are about respecting your own needs, which is something many people have trouble with. It is life-sustaining to devote your own time to relationships that fulfill you and not drain you.
FEELS
And you must back these statements up. As one of my favorite show characters says:
“Fucked up kids have an excuse. Fucked up adults get therapy. Fucked up adults change their circumstances.” - Laura Petersen, The Morning Show
Adults who are struggling and it’s impacting others need to take responsibility for their lives.
But, dear reader you also hold a responsibility: to communicate clearly. As a partner, you cannot continue to enable their behavior, feel so badly for them that you do not hold them accountable, and continue to make excuses for them.
Your responsibility is to be a clear communicator about how you are feeling in your relationship.
Your resentment does not help anyone. Your ongoing and building resentment is because you’re not clear about how you feel or what you need to talk about.
You too may need some coaching in therapy about how you can better express your needs, hold boundaries, and stop making excuses for your circumstances. Consider where you too have the opportunity for growth and check in with how you are being unfair by being unclear in your relationship expectations.
At the end of the day, you can only control your actions. Do the best you can to educate, support, hold those boundaries, and then let them. Let your loved one make the next move - or not. Let them. Let them, as you know that you held to your values and do what’s needed for yourself.
You cannot continually sidestep your own health and safety because you fear rejection. And I mean rejection - because when a loved one doesn’t seek help, despite our pleading, it feels like they are not choosing you and your relationship. It can feel so disheartening and hurtful.
But don’t let the fear and disappointment get in the way of you using your voice. You are asking them to seek help out of love and commitment. If they cannot meet you there, then you must assess if it’s the right relationship for you. Painful, but a necessary assessment for your own well-being.
Lastly, dear readers, I just want to say thanks for being here and being vulnerable. We are all trying to do better in a messy world so just take a moment, breathe, and say something kind to yourself.
Click here to learn more about The Couples Reset.
Hugs,
Kerry
