Radical Acceptance
No life is free of problems. Though we may think there are people who never seem to face a tough situation, they do. What may set them apart from those of us who suffer through problems more obviously, is how they deal with the problems in their lives. While you may not be able to float through life as effortlessly as it appears others can, you can learn to deal with the problems that come up in a much more constructive, healthy way.
According to Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) we have four options when faced with a problem:
We can solve the problem
Change our perception of the problem
Stay miserable
Or radically accept the situation as it is
Solve the problem
Obviously, most people’s first choice, and possibly even knee-jerk reaction is to solve the problem. When we’re faced with an unpleasant situation, we all want to change it, don’t we? If you immediately start weighing options for how to change the predicament you find yourself in, I’m going to guess you’re pretty normal. Go ahead and define what the problem is, and examine honestly if it’s a situation you can fix. Ask yourself these questions:
Is this a situation that can be changed or fixed?
Is it within your power to change the situation or fix the problem?
Do you have the tools you need to fix the problem?
If you honestly examine the problem and determine it can be fixed, you’re the person for the task, and you have the tools and skills needed to make the change, you should definitely feel free to choose the best option available to you to make the change. However, there are always going to be problems that are out of your control, or that are simply “unfixable”. What do we do when we’re faced with that sort of life problem? As stated earlier, we have three more options for dealing with the unsolvable problems in our life.
Change our perception of the problem
The next best option for dealing with a problem you can’t solve, may seem to be to change your own perception of the problem. However that option comes with some inherent challenges. Let’s say your problem isn’t a “what” but a “who”. We all have people in our lives that we can’t separate ourselves from, no matter how much we’d really like to. That difficult coworker at an otherwise fantastic job, who doesn’t really do anything against the rules but still manages to add a little cloud to our otherwise sunny days. Or the relative we’d really rather not deal with, but they’re close to someone we love enough to want to tolerate them. Should you change our perception of the person who irritates us? Sure, you can try. Maybe you can tell yourself that coworker is really annoying, but they don’t smell bad, so things could definitely be worse, count your blessings! Maybe you could remind yourself that annoying relative is cranky, but at least they stopped commenting on your weight so you should appreciate them more. Or maybe their crankiness stems from a difficult life, so you should be more understanding when they insult your house for the billionth time. That’ll be easy, right? Or maybe we should be grateful for those people because dealing with the difficult people makes the wonderful people in our lives seem even more wonderful. Maybe, but that is an attitude that is really hard to maintain.
Stay Miserable
So that leaves two more options, but honestly, is staying miserable really an option? In the above situation, do you really want to go into work every day and be miserable? Do you want to spend actual time and brain space being annoyed by the behavior of another person? Do you want to dread every family holiday because of one relative? Is there ANY problem that you are willing to deal with by staying miserable?
(Quick note: if you answered yes to that last question, please call our Reset Brain and Body office and book an appointment with one of our fantastic clinicians. We can help you find a better choice than misery in any situation.)
Radically accept the situation as it is
That brings us to Radical acceptance. What is that? Well it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Radical acceptance is a complete acceptance of whatever situation or problem you’re faced with. It’s sort of the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” of therapy. If you feel like you can’t change a problem you’re facing, and you can’t change your own view of the problem, try just accepting it for what it is.
I’m going to guess that you may have read that last paragraph and resisted it. Your inner voice said “But I don’t WANT to accept this bad thing I’m dealing with!” Rest assured, if you did, you’re not alone. I think we all want to believe that we can change anything if we just try hard enough. Of course we do, but there are always going to be bad things in our lives that we can’t change. We’re going to lose relationships and loved ones. We’re going to be plunged into situations, not of our own making, that we won’t be able to get out of (at least for a while.) Things will happen that we have no control over. The only thing we can control is our own reaction. I’m not saying it will be easy. It’s certainly going to take practice, but if you can teach yourself to radically accept the situations you can’t change, you’re going to do yourself and your stress level, a huge favor.
Let’s start with a small disappointment. Say you’ve got a trip to the beach scheduled, and you’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. Sadly, the day you’re supposed to go, you wake up to pouring rain. What are your options? Can you solve the problem? Well, unless you have a really cool secret the rest of us aren’t in on, probably not. Can you change your attitude about the problem? Maybe. It’s possible that you can convince yourself that the rain is exactly what you wanted. That going to the beach would have been boring, and sandy, and really who needs all that relaxation when you can organize your sock drawer instead, right? Okay, maybe not. You’re disappointed, and you’ve got every right to be. So let’s decide where you’re going to go from there. Your choices now are either stay miserable, or radically accept the rain, and your forced change in plans.
If you’re wondering what the difference is, let’s take a look at what each choice looks like. Miserable might involve whining, slamming things, shaking a fist at the sky and cursing mother nature, or any other means of grumbling and complaining that not only prolongs your misery, but also shares it with anyone who happens to be unlucky enough to be around you. Radical acceptance means exactly that. You feel your feelings, your disappointment, your sadness, all of it, but then you remind yourself that you’re not in control of the weather, and that rain happens. You might even continue with your beach plans (provided there’s no thunder and lightning) and find new ways to play in the rain and make memories.
Now that we’ve got an idea of what radical acceptance might look like, let’s take a look at it, as it pertains to a much bigger life event. We’ve also suffered loss in our life, obviously. No matter who we are, or where we are on life’s journey, at some point we’re all going to lose someone or something very important to us. A relationship will end, seemingly without warning, or a loved one who we thought would always be there may pass suddenly. While the thought of radically accepting that kind of loss may seem impossible, it’s not. It’s not only possible, but necessary for us to move on from the loss, and lead a productive, if somewhat altered, life. I’m not saying don’t mourn your losses, because that would be cruel, and probably impossible. What I’m saying is that at some point, you’re going to need to accept that your loss is real, and permanent, and though you’ll miss what you’ve lost, you can give yourself permission to move past the loss, learn from it, and build a new view of your future. Acceptance, in this sort of loss, is not only possible, it’s a necessity.
The past year of our collective experience has been filled with this kind of loss. Thanks to Covid-19, we’ve all suffered many losses of all kinds, family members, friends, plans, jobs, you name it, we’ve lost it. Was this an experience we could change? No, the pandemic happened and a lot of things we were counting on got swept away with it. Could we change our outlook on it? Well, I suppose there are people who benefited from it, but not many, and I think it would be exceedingly difficult for most of us to put a positive spin on the things that have happened. Could we continue to live in misery? That’s always a possibility, and one I’m sure a lot of people have chosen, but is that really what anyone wants to do? So again, radical acceptance seems like the best, most logical response to the pandemic. It’s here, and though it looks like there’s progress being made, it’s probably still going to be with us a bit longer, so accepting that fact, and working with it, is in our own best interest.
Toward that end, and really toward the goal of being able to radically accept any future uncomfortable or unpleasant situations you may face, I’d like to offer something that I learned from a wonderful yoga instructor I met several years ago. As she held us in somewhat uncomfortable poses that seemed to go on forever, she shared with us a sort of mantra, that she used in yoga, and in life:
“NOW it’s like this.”
Repeating this simple phrase, with emphasis on the word “now” is a little reminder that while things may not be what we want them to be at the moment, they’re going to change. That’s how life works. Everything changes, good or bad. And while staying in the moment, and accepting it for what it is, when times are good, may seem easy and logical, it’s equally important to do that when things aren’t so good too. NOW it’s like this...but eventually it will change.
NOW it’s like this.
We’re in the middle of a pandemic, we can’t do what we want, or see the people we love, but it will change, and we’ll go back to concerts, dinners out, and hugging friends.
NOW it’s like this.
But it will change, and when it does, we’ll appreciate the happy more, for having accepted and endured the difficult.
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