TGIF | Practicing What I Can Control: Joy is Our Revolution
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Dear Community,
Oh, baby, there’s anxiety in the air. There’s also a felt sense of numbness, emerging Seasonal Affective Disorders, holiday angst, and rage. A recipe for dysregulation and emotional overload. Do you feel it, too? Maybe not in yourself but in those around you?
So, let’s work on cutting into a smooth slice of pumpkin pie instead of the tension in the air, shall we?
Fear vs Heart Mode
I recently heard the refrain of sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems as “fear mode” and “heart mode”. For those who get lost in the science lingo, this simplified concept offers an accessible way to understand our states.
The Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn nervous system responses are all rooted in fear and a lack of safety. We operate from this “fear mode” both consciously and unconsciously throughout our day, weeks, and even decades of life. Chronic or prolonged trauma due to adversity in childhood, systemic oppression, discrimination, or toxic relationships can wire our nervous system to behave in fear mode constantly, just as if we were experiencing acute stress.
Heart mode is when we are in our parasympathetic nervous system. This is when we feel grounded, clear-headed, connected to ourselves, able to make wise decisions and feel intention versus impulsive, curious, and nonjudgmental toward ourselves and others. You can see how this could be a loving, heart-oriented mode. When regulated, our openness allows for more giving, receiving, and authentic compassion.
Be Like Love
My yoga teacher often plays a certain song at the end of class. I feel she’s planting subliminal messages for us as we bask in Savasana—to be more like love. Here are some of the lyrics:
“This whole world is spinning crazy
And I can't quite keep up
So one thing around here that we don't have quite enough of
So I just wanna look a little more like love
I used to think I needed all the answers
I used to need to know that I was right
I used to be afraid of things I couldn't cover up in black and white
I find the farther that I climb
There's always another line of mountain tops
It's never gonna stop
And the more of anything I do
The the thing that always ends up true
Is getting what I want, will never be enough
But now I just wanna look more like love”
The Alluring Illusion
When we feel worried, angry, sad, and overwhelmed, it’s natural to slip into binary thinking, looking for certainty to feel prepared and in control. However, this is an illusionary practice.
We can never predict what will happen next. We can never know exactly what another person is thinking or going to do. This manufactured preparedness is a symptom of our hypervigilance, anxiety, and dysregulation - fear mode.
We can only manage ourselves, reactions, responses, vibrations, and the energy we transmit in this world.
Surrendering to Joy
Okay, so surrender has some interesting connotations and I want to affirm that surrendering does not mean giving up, numbing out or giving in. Surrendering, in it’s most empowering concept, is letting go.
When we become ensnared in the illusion of controlling the external world, we miss the opportunity to release ourselves from our internal world.
Right now, at this moment, I can drop into my internal world and notice my breath, notice my safety right now, take deeper breaths, listen to my dog snoring, see the blue sky, and choose joy.
Joy is right here, this moment when I can choose where to direct my attention. Joy is always available to me when I decide to drop in and notice.
How To Be of Most Help
Chasing—for certainty, achievement, recognition, control, and power—is a practice in fear mode. It feels purposeful and meaningful, but it’s a dysregulating use of precious energy that can instead be shifted to love, gratitude, and joy.
I know when we’re scared, doing feels most natural. Doing something feels like we’re contributing to a collective empowerment, helping others, and being part of a solution.
But when we are doing so much that we neglect being, we miss the opportunity to be intentional, mindful, compassionate, and curious. We can then squander our own chances for joy, love, and gratitude.
It’s not selfish to attune to yourself in unrest and crisis. You must know how to drop in and manage your internal world, so your external actions can ripple into more compassion, forgiveness, and good in this world.
One of my favorite phrases is, "If you’re walking on thin ice, you might as well dance.”
Dance, my friends. Life is short and there is SO much joy to be found. I promise. Just look for it, feel into it, and act on it.
Joy, is our revolution.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
I recently read that appointment requests for medicine journeys rose after last week’s election results. Leading Ketamine Assisted Therapy practitioner and teacher Wilhelmina De Castro shared that “psychedelics may offer a path to navigating the frustrations of now while maintaining compassion. Medicine journeys can be a way for us not to be hardened by all of this,” De Castro says, “and still stay tender with one another and tender as a community as we harness our collective power.” If you, too, are feeling like you’d like to release some heaviness, consider checking out psychedelic therapy with Reset.
Gratitude
Tanmeet Sethi is no stranger to traumas, and that’s why her book Joy is My Justice is a mantra with power. I’m grateful that in meetings the last week with people ranging from established Pastors to New Age Coaches, joy seemed to be the message. Reclaiming joy in complete adversity is a redemption of our purpose, empowerment, and authority to co-create this life.
Innovation
My kids are still very much at the age where they still have tantrums. My 4-year-old is a violent rager, occasionally throwing chairs, scratching his brother like a feral cat, and forgetting to breathe. I’ve leaned hard on SEL books at home to use after the meltdown is completed to learn a lesson. At a young age, they can also learn how to control their thoughts and feelings and be stronger than the fire.
Feels
I felt hopeful today as Adam Grant shared a new piece this week, which returned me to one of my favorite essays of his—about collective effervescence. It’s that feeling you get in the community, like being found at a concert, a BBQ, watching fireworks, or singing Happy Birthday. Just the idea of it all brings a smile to my face. I hope yours, too.