TGIF | Finding Forgiveness at the Holidays
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Dear Community,
Last week, we talked about grief during the holidays, but I think equally as prominent as a pain point this time of year is forgiveness. Especially after a tumultuous election season, opinions, resentments, and anger can flare as we attempt to gather with those who have hurt us.
I’ve thought a lot about this topic over the last few months, so let’s dig in…
Understanding Forgiveness
I was recently listening to psychologist and minister Dr. Thema Bryant, former president of the American Psychological Association (APA), as she talked about forgiveness. She said forgiveness is not about reconciliation. Too often, we think that we must forgive and let go, move on, as if nothing ever happened.
However, we do not have to do that as we forgive. We can forgive and choose not to reconcile, and that is okay. We can choose to forgive and release without pressure to invite that person back into our lives. Again, that is okay.
I have worked with many clients who say, “If I forgive them, then I’m excusing their behavior.” I love this quote from business leadership coach Rob Carucci: "Forgiveness isn't approval. It's simply an acceptance of things outside your control." Approval is very different from acceptance.
Forgiveness as Acceptance
Are you all still watching Shrinking on Apple TV? This season is great, full of raw emotion and impressive comedic genius. Anyway, the most recent episode I watched had a theme of forgiveness. I love this one line from the main character, Jimmy, in which he says (roughly), “I forgave him. I realized he’s just a person, like me.”
Questions for you: Are you perfect? Have you ever made mistakes? Have you ever changed your mind about something? Are you different than you once were? Are you allowed to evolve?
As you consider your own fluctuations in growth and behavior, we might reflect that others have those same inconsistencies and growing edges. How might we be able to see them as beautifully imperfect, just as we accept ourselves in the same way?
Despite our resistance to it, we are mere mortal humans who are constantly tempted by the pressures of modern society: power, control, legacy, certainty, recognition, pride, acceptance, achievement, and justice.
When we drop into curiosity and compassion, we can often choose to forgive others (and ourselves!) while accepting that universality of failure, mistakes, and imperfections. While we do not have to approve of the actions people take in response to these pressures and the perils of being human, we can accept the behavior as what it is.
Forgiveness as Accountability
As we consider reconciliation within forgiveness, I think it’s important to understand our own efforts at accountability. Forgiveness with accountability is the only path toward reconciliation.
Let’s travel to a time you recently made a mistake: Perhaps you said something hurtful, acted impulsively, made a judgment, took something personally, accused someone of something before contemplation and curiosity, or acted out in vindication—maybe even got caught breaking a rule or in a lie.
How did you behave once you recognized your mistake?
As always, I think we can learn from children, so here’s a story: My son has a way of wanting to talk about something through books, so my curiosity increased when he chose Teach Your Dragon to Stop Lying for his nighttime story. Grateful for my patience and time, I knew we’d have a little chat. Sure enough, he started telling me about how he told a story to his classmates that was dishonest. We talked about why he did this (he felt left out) and how he could correct it (tell his friends the truth the next day and why he did it). I also shared times in my life when I’ve told lies and the painful consequences of that behavior.
Here’s how he was accountable, which makes this example easier to forgive and reconcile:
He spoke up and shared his vulnerability with someone he trusts. As Brené Brown says, “When we share our story with an empathetic person, shame cannot survive.” When you make a mistake, who can you share the shame with?
He asked for help. By opening up to me, he was acknowledging he wanted help to do better. When you mess up, can you lower your defenses and listen to another perspective?
He acknowledged the consequences of his behavior. We talked about examples in the book and real life of what happens when we’re dishonest. Do you allow yourself to sit in the pain of your behavior and how it impacts others?
He wanted to repair and reconcile. We talked through ways he could be brave to right the wrong and ask for forgiveness from his friends. Are you brave enough to reconcile, admitting your mistakes to the person and awaiting their response?
Forgiveness Is Not Closure
That last point is super important: Are you brave enough to await a response? Reconciliation may not happen right away. In fact, it may never happen.
Whether we are considering forgiving someone else or someone is asking for our forgiveness, we have to understand that forgiveness does not bring closure. Forgiveness might be about agreeing to live without resolution, at least for a while.
It’s uncomfortable, but sometimes it is about releasing the pain, hurt, and betrayal because holding onto it doesn’t serve us anymore. When the person is not accountable or we cannot control what happens next, it’s braver to release than to attach strongly to reconciliation.
To forgive and release is difficult because it’s accepting that someone’s behavior may never change or they may never come back into your life. There is grief in this method, but there is also freedom as you release yourself and someone else from the expectation of change. Whether it’s about readiness or righteousness, we go back to what we can and cannot control.
I’ll end this with the wise words of Mel Robbins and her “let them” theory. As Mel says herself, “The “let them” theory is a mindset tool that teaches you to just let other people make their choices and live their lives and stop making it your job or responsibility to manage or control what other people are doing.”
So as you consider the behaviors of others around the holiday table this year, build up your calm, your confidence, your strong sense of self. Let them and let it go.
Trust me, you’re freer that way.
We’ll pick back up in 2025. Hugs and a very wonderful New Year to you all.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
If you want to learn more about the Let Them tool, listen to this podcast episode. Mel is also releasing a book by that title and could be a wonderful gift for someone who needs to let them in your life.
Gratitude
If you also have sensitive kiddos who struggle to find the words to their mistakes and actions, I’d encourage you to buy these books. Kids age 12 and under can seriously benefit and they are wonderful conversation starters. I’ve been many times grateful for the book doing the teaching while I get to gently integrate the lesson with my kiddos.
Innovation
Remember Dwight from The Office? Probably one of the most iconic sitcom characters, ever. Well, the actor Rainn Wilson has an awesome podcast called Soul Boom where he takes a light-hearted approach to spiritual concepts. It’s where I heard Dr Thema Bryant’s talk and he has a great roster of guests. His mission is to demystify and destigmatize talking about spirituality and I’m here for it.
Feels
Friends, this the last newsletter for 2024 and I just want to say thank you. It’s been a wild, wonderful year and I am going into 2025 with a lot of celebrations with a fair amount of things to grieve. I’m okay with holding both. As you reflect on 2024, I encourage you to write a list of things to grieve and things to celebrate. I find it so important to give attention to both.