TGIF | Supporting Grief During the Holiday Season
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Dear Community,
The holidays often carry a weight of expectation: joy, connection, and celebration. But for those navigating grief, this season can feel like walking through a minefield of emotions—nostalgia, sorrow, and the deep ache of absence. Grief during the holidays is a unique kind of heavy, inviting us to pause, reflect, and perhaps reimagine what joy and connection look like when someone we love is no longer physically present.
Conversations We Can’t Avoid
As a society, we don’t often make space for grief. “Death is the unspoken phobia of society,” spiritual teacher Ram Dass reminds us. Yet everything we do—our relationships, our pursuits, even the legacies we build—is intricately tied to the reality of mortality. Carl Jung puts it beautifully: “Behold death, for it teaches me how to live.”
I was recently reminded of this truth in my training as a death doula. The training opened my eyes to how poorly we’ve equipped ourselves to face not only physical death but also the smaller “deaths” that shape our lives—identity shifts, broken dreams, ego deaths. These transitions are all part of the greater circle of life: life, death, and rebirth, over and over again. Yet, instead of embracing this cycle, we shy away, leaving us unprepared for when loss inevitably touches our lives.
Grief Flows Like the Life Cycle Goes
Grief is heavy. It demands that we confront the rawness of our humanity. A dear friend recently lost her sister. As she shared her heartbreak, she recounted her dad’s enduring wisdom: “Keep living.” It wasn’t a command to suppress her grief but an invitation to honor her sister’s life through her continued journey.
That sentiment reminded me of a video I was sent of a father, weary yet resolute, telling his family, “Pull yourself together.” Not in a dismissive way but as a call to gather strength, to take the next step. Sometimes, in the depths of sorrow, that’s all we can do—one small, trembling step forward.
In my death doula training, we explored Tibetan principles of death, which hold that while the gross body dies, the subtle body—pure consciousness—remains. If we’ve identified with our soul during life, death becomes just another moment, a continuum rather than an end.
Grief has a similar rhythm. In its early days, it can feel endless, a relentless tide pulling you under. But over time, in a quiet moment, the noise softens. You catch the scent of their favorite sweater, hear their laughter in your mind, and realize their love isn’t gone. It transcends time and space.
This understanding—that love and connection endure—can become an offering of comfort and even joy, though that joy looks different. It’s quieter, more contemplative. It’s the realization that life and death are one, intertwined, not opposing forces.
Glimmers and Finding Joy
What is joy? It’s not always laughter or celebration. Sometimes, joy is simply a decision: to live, to love, to carry on despite the ache. Joy is found in honoring what was while embracing what still is.
If you’re grieving this holiday season, I encourage you to define joy on your own terms. Maybe it’s a quiet evening with a loved one’s favorite book. Maybe it’s a walk in nature, feeling the pulse of life around you. Or maybe it’s simply pulling yourself together and taking that next small step.
Grief changes us, but it doesn’t have to define us. As Andrew Weil reminds us, “Everything we do, all our life, is about preparing for our death.” But perhaps it’s also about preparing to live fully, even in the shadow of loss.
As I’ve continued exploring grief and healing, I’ve been reflecting about “glimmers.” While regulation—returning to a state of calm after distress—is critical in grief, glimmers are those fleeting moments of light that remind us joy still exists.
For me, glimmers might be the sight of my children laughing or the warmth of a sunrise breaking over a cold winter morning. These moments don’t erase grief, but they coexist with it, teaching us that life, in all its complexity, is still worth living.
Making Room to Feel It All
Lastly, as I have had the opportunity to lead more of our team and clients in the SUMMT, an experiential method we developed at Reset focused on grounding and transcendence, one theme has resonated each time I facilitate this method: the ability to be in complete peace, even amid chaos and trauma. This is particularly relevant during the holidays when the pressure to “perform” happiness can feel overwhelming when you feel the season’s heaviness.
Being of peace doesn’t mean suppressing grief. It means acknowledging it, honoring it, and creating space for quiet presence. When we cultivate inner peace, we’re better able to hold space for others—becoming a grounding force for those around us.
I encourage you to use this holiday season as a reminder to be gentle with yourself and others. Let’s make space for grief, for glimmers, for the full spectrum of what it means to be human.
Because, in the end, grief is love, and love never ends—it simply transforms.
If you or someone you know is grieving this holiday season, know you’re not alone. We can hold space for each other, finding moments of connection, peace, and perhaps even joy.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
Our small school recently experienced the tragic death of a parent. The children in the classroom with the young mother’s bereaved child were curious about how to support their friend in his loss. What came out as most profound was kindness. Rather than being able to offer answers or material needs - it was simply kindness. Be extra kind, perhaps, to everyone and anyone this holiday season - you have no idea what they may be grieving.
Gratitude
In this same sentiment, I’ve found that we can never know how someone is feeling deeply on the inside. Therefore, whatever their behavior may be, it can be so gracious to give them the most generous interpretation. There’s a lightness when you stop taking things personally and instead give people the benefit of the doubt. Most people are good, want to be good, and do not want to hurt others.
Innovation
The Death Doula training I did was so beautiful and enlightening, but most of all, it was an entire weekend talking about death - our death, the death of others, possible deaths - and what a way to spend 3 days! Sitting with mortality is complex and complicated, especially when we cannot make sense of tragedy, and it feels so unfair. I encourage everyone to have conversations with loved ones about death, invite the conversation in, as stated before often our fears of death can give us a glimpse into how we can live more fully.
Feels
If you are grieving a loss and feeling it especially hard this holiday season, please know you are not alone. I also want you to celebrate with JOY and glimmers the memory of your loved one. Share about them, talk about them, and invite people to ask questions about them. It’s so healing to bring their memory to the surface instead of stuffing it aside with our grief.