Attachment Styles: Secure Sally, Dismissive Dan, Anxious Annie + Fearful Frank
What if I were to tell you that every single experience that’s led you to this point, both past and present, has an influence on the way that you interact with the world around you? Not so hard to believe, right? It’s human nature to subconsciously develop expectations based on previous encounters. But let’s take it a step further, shall we? What if I were to say that the bonds established early on in your childhood could accurately depict how you find, maintain and end all of your current relationships. Woah! This type of framework, otherwise known as “attachment”, describes a psychological connectedness that begins during infancy and continues to build over time, eventually defining how we relate to friends, family members and even strangers. It not only describes the types of emotional and affectional bonds that we form, but also explores the subconscious expectations that linger. For example, if you grew up in a household that openly showed affection, you are much more likely to believe that you’re worthy of feeling love, whereas a child who was raised in an environment that avoided closeness may struggle to explore feelings of love and belonging as an adult.
Depending on your upbringing, this idea of attachment may seem a little overwhelming. It's important to remember that although these predisposing styles of attachment do exist, and actively influence our day to day experiences, nothing is set in stone. Acknowledging these patterns and navigating through past traumas can assist in aiding the less desirable forms of attachment. Basically what I’m trying to say is that if your childhood, and the relationships that were formed during it were a little messy, don’t give up hope for a healthy, boundary-filled future. It just may take a little extra attention to get there.
Now let’s dive in - There are 4 distinct styles of attachment, each with their own unique set of characteristics:
Secure (aka Sally)
(For the sake of explanation, let’s call her Sally.)
Let’s face it, a secure attachment style is what most, if not all of us, strive to achieve. Oozing with confidence and connectivity, but not in an annoying self-righteous sort of way. No, Sally is an independent chick who knows exactly what she wants because she’s seen it live in action. Raised in an environment that openly displayed affection, Sally has a strong capacity to feel and express her emotions. At an early age, she was instilled with a foundation of trust and belief that she is oh so worthy, therefore Sally is less likely to evoke jealousy or elicit insecurity in her present relationships. Her comfortable upbringing made it possible for Sally to fully dive into the world around her - challenges felt manageable and connections deep. Some may call Sally naive, but she doesn’t mind it much. She is secure in who she is and what she brings to the table. Growing up in an environment filled with such stable and healthy examples of what a relationship could be sort of does that to a gal, you know? Let’s just say, if you were lucky enough to develop a secure style of attachment like Sally, you were lucky enough!
Dismissive (aka Dan)
Meet Dan. Dan was raised believing that he can’t depend on anyone, so he avoids almost all interactions altogether. You could say that Dan has developed a pretty thick skin over the years in order to consciously protect himself. So thick a skin in fact, that some, especially past partners, may indicate that Dan is emotionally withdrawn. But that’s only because it feels impossible for him to trust anyone enough to let them invade his self-protected bubble. Dan’s the type of guy who prides himself on disengaging when things become too emotionally intimate. Yeah, chances are you’ve heard him declare that feelings are for sissies from time to time - but don’t let that fool you! Defense mechanisms can be awfully tricky to avoid, especially when you’ve been forced to practice them your entire life. Speaking of avoidance, Dan never lets anyone get too close, which helps limit any sort of distress upon separation. Dan is always the first to pull away when there is any evidence that he could end up getting hurt. That Dan sure is dismissive, but can you blame him? How else could he have protected himself over the years? For Dan, it’s easier to never open himself up to love, than to experience heartache… again.
Anxious (aka Annie)
We’ve all known an Annie in our lifetime. She loves love, and maybe a little too much. Annie is obsessed with relationships and craves emotional intimacy. Her mood ebbs and flows with every relationship that she’s in and her constant need for approval and encouragement is utterly exhausting. But don’t let Annie fool you, this behavior is a direct result of heavy insecurity. Unfortunately, Annie received very little reassurance and responsiveness as a child. Because of this, she consistently doubts her self-worth which causes her to cling on tightly to others. Can you say overbearing and jealous?! Annie’s craving for connection can easily come off a little too strong. Deep down Annie believes that people are unreliable and don’t have the capacity to respond accurately to her wishes. She is certain that others won’t reciprocate her need for intimacy. Annie is always preoccupied with love and awfully ambivalent once she (thinks she’s) found it, but she’d never let you know it!
Fearful (aka Frank)
Oh Frank! Consistently committing to relationships that he knows for a fact are no good for him while rejecting any chance of a promising suitor. Put well, frankly, Frank is confused. He is disorganized, flustered, topsy-turvy, etc, etc, etc. Frank is an interesting balancing act of craving emotional closeness, yet pushing any chance of it away as soon as somebody gets close. It’s a constant push and pull. Frank is always in search of approval and even though he’s been burned in the past by the people closest to him, Frank still craves security and closeness while recognizing that it’s never a guarantee. Common in individuals who have suffered loss or trauma early on, Frank has a difficult time trusting others. Commitment makes Frank’s palms sweat, heart race and his face tends to resemble an over ripened strawberry. Frank wants what he can’t have and can’t have what he wants. I can’t help but wonder what Frank actually needs.
Any of these sound familiar? Do you resonate most with Secure Sally or is Dismissive Dan more your style? Have you fallen into Anxious Annie patterns or does Fearful Frank take the cake? Acknowledging what your attachment style may be is the first step in setting healthy boundaries and patterns for future relationships and generations to come. Have you ever noticed how the past seems to repeat itself? Well for the Secure Sally’s out there, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. But for the rest of us, there’s possibly a little work to be done, and there’s no shame in that! We are not only a product of our environment and the bonds created early on, but also a force of resilience. You are no longer the sum of your past traumas when you use your strength (and patience) to create a new story for yourself. A story that possibly feels much more like you, and less like an alliteration of someone else. And of course, if you need a little extra help exploring, you know where to find us.
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