Breaking the Cycle of Stress
Stress happens. It’s inevitable. But how we respond to stress? That’s a whole other story.
According to licensed psychotherapist and holistic counselor, Dr. Melissa Samartano, stress is a biological reaction that happens when the brain perceives something as threatening. This reaction produces a circular pattern that we call “The Cycle of Stress”. It’s circular because we don’t always understand how to move away from it. We get stuck. And when we get stuck, stress can feel more like something that’s happening to us rather than something that we have control over. Take a moment to think about some of the events, relationships or tasks in your life that are currently causing you stress/overwhelm/strain. What if I were to tell you that you hold the power to choose responses that could reduce and relieve those agitating points of contention? With reflection, conscious awareness, and a whole lot of practice, you can actively break the cycle and change the way in which you respond to stress. But before we focus on how to break this cycle, we first need to understand what happens in the body when we feel stressed.
You may have heard of the 4 F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. These are our body’s natural stress responses. Also known as our protective modes, these unconscious reactions help us to release or avoid the big emotions. You know the ones. These are the heated sensations, the bubbling over reactions, and the it’s-really-hard-to-breathe-with-this-elephant-sitting-on-my-chest type of feels. Because there is no “one-size-fits-all” box to check when it comes to relieving stress, it’s important to identify and understand what your natural responses look like:
Fight looks like anger. It’s meeting intensity with intensity by yelling, screaming, hitting or punching.
Flight looks like needing to leave. It’s running away or fleeing from an uncomfortable or threatening situation.
Freeze looks like not being able to say or do anything at all. It’s reactive immobility that forces you to stay put.
Fawn looks like people-pleasing. It’s the need to comfort others, while ignoring your own needs, in order to avoid conflict.
You may notice that one of these stress responses definitely stands out, or maybe your tendencies align with a few. This is very common. I tend to be a whole lot of Fawn mixed with a little Flight and just a touch of Freeze thrown in there for good measure. Take a moment to determine your unique stress response combination before we move on …. Got it? Great. Although each person's natural stress response looks slightly different, each of these tendencies have the potential to create negative cycles in our relationships and life. Pretty daunting, huh? But don’t worry, there’s good news. The cycle of stress, although circular, can be broken! Let’s dive in, shall we?
#1 External Stressor
The first stop on this stress response rollercoaster is the external stressor. This is the only phase of the cycle that you don’t actually have any control over whatsoever. Instead, it is what triggers you in the moment. It’s frustrating, it’s obnoxious and oftentimes, it’s completely unexpected. This could be an unfortunate interaction with your boss, an abrupt disagreement with your partner, that car that almost sideswiped you, a research paper your professor assigned, the dirty look that cashier gave you for having over 20 items in the self-checkout line - what? Just me?! - Anyway, if it causes you any type of stress, it’s your external stressor. Notice it.
#2 Internal Appraisal
Next, is what happens to you directly after or during that triggering event. What do you see, hear, feel, what’s your intuition or gut reaction telling you? You’re taking in information that something is not quite right, and in order for your body to maintain homeostasis, it’s working overtime. Immediately trying to slow down that heart rate, lower your blood pressure and calm your respiration. Your internal appraisal is commonly known as your protective layer. It’s your body searching for safety by pulling out that life preserver.
#3 Physiological Response
Insert your combination of the 4 F’s here. That’s right, our stress response - Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn - is activated. Physiological response is typically the part of the cycle of stress where we can objectively take back control. It’s where we become aware of the stress. We’ve already identified our natural tendencies, so when they arise, it’s much easier to acknowledge and carefully select an alternate option. Preparedness and practice are key. Chances are, you’re probably not going to get it “right” the first few times. Observing and reflecting on your own individual patterns and behaviors is essential to breaking the cycle of stress. It’s not until we understand what comes naturally, that we can work to challenge ourselves and adjust accordingly.
#4 Internalization
These are the messages that we send ourselves based off of our physiological response. Common examples are, “Relax”, “You’re fine”, or the extremely overused, and my personal favorite cliche, “Just calm down”. This stage in the cycle of stress is where we can really begin to highlight the stories that we tell ourselves. Typically, these messages guide us into dread or anxiety.
#5 Maladaptive Coping
Last, but certainly not least, is how we choose to alleviate the pressure. Think online shopping, overeating, binge drinking, recreational drug use, etc. These behaviors do a great job of masking the feelings associated with stress and anxiety in the moment, but tend to prolong the larger issues at hand. It’s numbing what exists beneath the surface while encouraging unhealthy habitual patterns of avoidance. Essentially, what you think is making you feel so much better in the moment is actually having negative, long-term effects. These behaviors can be behavioral: overworking, mindless social media scrolling, they can be substance related: food, beverage, drugs, they can be hyperactive: can’t sit still, or they can have an emotional component: jumping into worry or blame. Regardless of the response, these maladaptive behaviors keep us in a constant state of short term relief, without forcing us to explore the major problem. The cycle of stress keeps us in a hyper aroused state of being, which takes us back to the External Stressor at the beginning of the cycle.
The very next time something uncomfortable happens, this process starts all over again. And again, and again, and again… get the picture? So how do we break the cycle? It takes acknowledgment, observation, reflection and loads of practice. It isn’t easy, but it’s actually not as complicated as we make it seem either. The first step is to notice your natural tendencies. When things get tense, are you more likely to fight, flight, freeze or fawn? Now that you know exactly what to look for, it’ll be easier to acknowledge these patterns in the heat of the moment. And what about our self-talk? What are common messages that you’re telling yourself in the moment that minimize or suppress emotions? And last but not least, how do you cope? What are common activities or habitual behaviors that you embrace when things get tough? In order to make a healthy shift, you have to be willing to uncover what already exists beneath the surface. Remember, you’re doing a great job just recognizing these patterns. So give yourself some grace as you explore your tendencies and actively pursue a more conscious state of well-being.
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