When Mindfulness Is Used to Harm
This past weekend I decided I needed a break, a real break, something to get my mind off of the current state of the world, the pressure of teaching a statistics course, of the homework I’ve yet to complete for my classes. I decided I would read the Real Simple magazine on my coffee table. Breaking open the pages came with a sense of “ahh, yes, you still remember what it’s like to relax” and I luxuriously moved from page to page, taking in the pictures and reading a caption here and there. Finally, I came across an article titled “The Highly Haphazard Woman” by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. I was curious and started reading, and my stomach quickly became tight from anxiety. Putting down the article, I needed a minute to distance. It was painful to hear Taffy's experience, and of how mindfulness became yet another tool for society to tell her who and how to be.
Let me begin by saying that I fully validate the sentiment that Taffy expresses - that there is an incredible pressure for people, particularly women, to always be mindful, calm and deliberate. This ideal is glorified in our society. Judging every person against it, and saying don’t you dare be or want to be something else. Once again creating a mold rather than a space for individuals to exist.
And I would respectfully challenge Taffy on describing the Highly Regimented Woman as the product of mindfulness, instead of as a product of yet another societal mold of a “perfect” person that we are all pitted against under the guise of mindfulness. Here’s why.
Our current societal mold tells us: You are never enough and always too much
Who wouldn’t suffer under these conditions? I have seen this mindset of ‘you are never enough and always too much’ pop up over and over again in societal messages. And when this mindset seeps into us (and it can seep in without our approval), it erodes us. And it pits us against one another.
It creates conditions in which we constantly feel needing to be more of this and less of that. It reluctantly berates us to justify our existence. It puts down everyone for not being the “ideal”, and further chastises anyone who is not striving to be this “ideal”.
This is an insidious mindset that keeps all of us continuously wounded and pitted against one another. It creates conditions for more division, more otherness, more harm to arise. And all in the name of mindfulness. Which breaks my heart.
When holding this understanding, it is not Highly Regimented Woman versus Highly Haphazard Woman as Taffy’s article depicts. It is all of us - humans, individuals - on the same side, wanting to be allowed to be imperfect, to come as we are, to not be told to be someone else, to be seen for our true selves and to still have belonging. That is a different conversation, one that does away with any past, current or future societal ideal of a perfect person as the premise of discussion.
Key Points About Mindfulness That Were Missed
The very idea that mindfulness should be imposed on any individual goes against mindfulness itself, which does not judge the state a person is in, nor does it direct what a person should or should not do.
Mindfulness is not perfectionism nor is it an erasure of chaos in exchange for peace and calm
The description of a Highly Regimented Woman to me did not read as a mindful person at all. It read as perfectionism personified.
Mindfulness is not a path towards becoming perfect or to being calm. When we equate these things, we’ve missed the point entirely. Mindfulness lets you see yourself, the situation, the other person as you/it/they are, in the moment, without judgement, without having to change anything. So if you are angry, you’re angry, you’re not trying to change this into calm. Being able to have non-judgmental awareness can help create space in our bodies, mind, heart and spirit.
Not everyone wants this space, nor feels the need for this space, and that is okay. Mindfulness does not judge this, it sees this for what it is and it allows it to be just as it is.
“Clear your mind” is not a thing
Oof. A common misconception. And often perpetuated in the way we speak about mindfulness.
I worry that this has already become the new myth just like the “left brain/right brain” myth that we can’t seem to shake.
It’s actually not possible to clear our minds. When we practice resting our attention on an anchor such as our breath and practice returning to the anchor when we undoubtedly follow our thoughts/feelings/sensations, we are not actually getting rid of thoughts/feelings/sensations, we are simply experiencing a different quality of mind, not getting rid of or stopping our thinking.
Mindfulness and thinking are not at odds
The mindful quality of mind (awareness without judgement) is not better or worse than that thinking quality of mind (analyzing, reflecting, planning). Both are important, interrelated, flow between one another and benefit from one another.
We need thinking, it is an incredible thing that we should not take for granted. Having a mindfulness practice is not at odds with this understanding.
Abandoning your priorities and chasing away your thoughts is not mindfulness
Taffy’s description of perfectionism and a regimented lifestyle synonymously with mindfulness is gravely misleading. Having a nurturing lens of seeing yourself in the moment without judgement or expectations has nothing to do with being perfect or regimented, and it offers a flexible mindset rather than what the former two provide.
Lastly, food for thought: What do you think about the relationships between brain and body?
Having a neuroscience background you would think that I’m all about the brain, and yes, the brain is incredible. I will, however, say that our society has done a disservice for not acknowledging our bodies also as an incredible and important source of our intelligence. Just listen to the amazing things our nose does! There is a reason we are called Reset Brain and Body. We are here for both.
I hope the distinction between mindfulness, perfectionism, and a regimented lifestyle is clear. These should not be conflated, nor should mindfulness be used as a guise to yet again trap us in the illness of ‘you are never enough and always too much.’
Yes, you and I are imperfect. This is enough and not too much.
Yes, we share differences and similarities. We respect one another.
And Yes, you and I belong to humanity, to each other.
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