TGIF | The Power of Co-Regulation
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Dear Community,
One of the greatest joys in my career is learning from my clients. In the 12 years I have been practicing this work, I have had so many special clients teach me valuable lessons. Their resilience reminds me of my own strength. Their graciousness releases my self-criticism. Their disappointments remind me to turn inward, get curious, and reflect on my instincts and decisions.
And sometimes, my clients challenge me to take what I am personally working on and practice some more.
Energy In Motion
As a kid, I used to have a little homemade ClipArt picture taped to my bedroom wall. The picture had a blue sky with tiny white clouds and said, “Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?” The 12-year-old in me was wiser than she knew at the time. Now, as a grown-up, I feel the full breadth of that phrase.
We teach our clients that emotions are energy in motion. Emotions are a chemical reaction that must flow and move through our system. As we consider this, emotions can be witnessed like a jellyfish pulsing through us or perhaps like a wave that we ride in synchronicity.
Energy is Transferrable
Now, I’m not a physicist, but I have experienced plenty of times when I noticed myself and others as energy in motion.
In sessions with couples, I offer a simple exercise to demonstrate this point. With eyes closed, one partner holds an object and I have them start to create a feeling related to that object. Then, I have them pour all that emotion into the object and hand it off to their partner. Often the created feeling goes from a thought of “this is cold” to a real or imagined image of a related emotion (cozy, a time skiing with family, a time felt alone). With almost every exchange, the partner can feel the transmitted energy from the object. They too start to feel the emotion that was exchanged. It’s a powerful lesson in our contagion.
Energy is Transmutable
Now, let’s sit with this idea a bit longer. Our energy is contagious and transferrable. If we have the power to send negative energy, we also have the power to send positive energy. When we say, “sending you thoughts and prayers” it’s not superficial. Have you ever felt someone looking at you from across the room? We sense an exchange of energy.
This is an empowering point! As Einstien once said, "Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another".
Consider what we’ve been talking about with nervous system regulation. If our kids, partners, traffic, sound, lights, and barking pets have the power to dysregulate us… they also have the power to regulate us. I’ve talked before about my exercise in being a pillar of calm in my household - to emenate calm. We can also, through our own intentionality, share safety, peace, bliss, comfort and love.
I’ve seen this work with the smoke of a candle, the sobs of my child and the stress of my partner. If we have the power to dysregulate each other, we also have the power to regulate one another. Think about the impact of that on the greater community - around our dinner tables, sure, but also in our classrooms, our meetings, our town hall meetings and in our communication.
Practice with me: take a few deep breaths, expanding into your belly and holding your inhale so your exhale starts to become longer. Notice your muscle releasing. Perhaps noticing a lightness in your nerves, perhaps even effervescent. Now give this feeling a color and begin to send that color outside of yourself. Let it touch all that around you. Keep expanding it as you stay in your calm power. Notice how you may react differently, notice how others react to you. You, are a beacon of calm.
Thanks, as always, for being here. You’re never alone—big, virtual, 20-second hug. Can you feel it?
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
Last week, I was excited to present our Mindful Parenting workshop to a global company. This presentation focuses on co-regulation—what we’ve discussed today. Parenting is all about being strong and sturdy and making room for all of the feelings. I love presenting on this topic to lots of diverse teams because, sure, it may be for parents, but literally anyone can benefit from these tools.
Gratitude
Before a meeting this week my husband made tea and our lovely tea bags always have a phrase on them. This one read, “laughter is the same in every language”. So at midway through the meeting my husband/our Director of Operations encouraged everyone to consider something that brings that joy. We all laughed. That phrase has stuck with me - a beautiful way to connect to one another is through laughter - we all speak it the same and that’s something to be grateful for.
Innovation
Today we also discussed a very simplified interpretation of quantum physics, an innovative way to understand our world. A long time ago someone told me to read the book You Are the Universe. It’s dense, but it’s also mind blowing. I also love this book for a more ecological lens at the notion that we’re all made up of the same thing.
Feels
Therapy, is in theory, co-regulation. Like what we’ve discussed, it’s the process of the process of managing emotions and behaviors with the support of another person. It's a way to help people navigate their feelings and return to a regulated state. Regulated does not always mean calm, it means resilient - you can ride those energic emotional waves without going into fight, fight or freeze. That’s something to feel good about.