TGIF | The Importance of Authenticity in Adult Friendships
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Dear Community,
A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to travel back home to Chicago for my high school reunion. Initially, I did not want to go, and I physically contracted at the idea of it. “Why go back to a place where judgments ruled? Why subject myself to the opinions of people that really don’t matter to me?” were the anxious thoughts running through my head.
And yet, I attended. When I got out of my head and decided on the intentions of connection and joy, I reprogrammed my own expectations. And here’s the thing that surprised me: I didn’t want the night to end.
Homesickness as an Indicator
Just this last weekend, I was traveling for work to an environment where I knew nobody. It was like adult summer camp, and I had to make new friends. While there were precious moments of connection and inspiration, I was exhausted by the end. Being in a new environment made me be “on” in a way I wasn’t used to since I was the new kid in town. I felt a profound sense of homesickness by the last day, longing for the comfort of people who knew me.
When Friends Feel Like Home
Going to my high school reunion revealed something that I wasn’t expecting. It happened a few times at the start of the night. First, when an old friend who I hadn’t seen in 10 years was writing her nametag. The familiarity of her handwriting struck me so much that I teared up. Second, when a friend I’d lost touch with hugged me, I felt so safe and wept (yes, I was that person there, deeply feeling never ages) as I told her, “your hug feels like home”.
Adult Friendships Reclaiming Safety
If you were like me as a teenager, you spent more time with your friends than your family. I’m not saying that is a good thing, but as a teen, it was where I felt most accepted, even if there were total mean-girl moments. Often, it is our close friends who are the first to understand who we really are and take us in wholeheartedly.
My middle school girlfriends are still my closest friends, and so much history allows us to navigate challenges with unconditional love and honesty that is so healing. Knowing that people know you, really know you, and still love you is a gift that friends offer. Friends that have seen it all and still show up are to be cherished. This is why I felt so safe with these old friends versus feeling more edgy meeting new people the following weekend.
Making New Adult Friends
But making new friends is hard, especially as an adult. Research has shown that it takes 94 hours to make a new, casual friend and 164 to make a good friend. That’s more than 3 hours a week! I know many of you do not have that time. Nor do I, so there have been so many times when I felt I was letting new friends down because I never felt I had enough time for them. And time with them matters.
My little sister just moved across the West Coast to a new home, where she hopes to put down roots. She is so eager to “make community” and find her friends. I’ve found that in that eagerness, sometimes we leap at the person most available instead of the people meant for us.
Making adult friendships is about being patient. They take time to cultivate, and that time is worth it. The fast and easy way to friendship (and many other things) is not always the best path. I’ve been fortunate to be a Michigander for over six years now, and I know (Covid was a bit to blame) that it took 4 of those years to make a few good friends. It took little bits of time over a long time to build to a level of reliability, knowing each other, honesty, and safety.
One of these friendships offered me the greatest gift this summer. We hadn’t seen each other for a few months and I felt badly about it so I sent her a long apologetic text. I was worried of letting her down and that she was upset with me. She simply responded, “our friendship is not fragile” and my whole body relaxed. We had gotten there - she now was another I could feel safe around.
Friendships allow us to be imperfect and still be loved in meaningful ways. We’re wired for connection, and it’s vital for our overall wellness to be in community. Not only is patience an important component, but it’s also showing up as your most real self to allow yourself to be fully seen as you are, not who you want them to see.
Then, you get the gift that keeps giving—people who know you and love you as you are.
Big breath. You’ve got this.
This week’s Tools, Gratitude, Innovation, Feels
Tools
This podcast episode shows the research about making friendships and the art of continually just showing up for them. It has tools to help you determine who your people are and ideas on where to find them. When I was in my new town journey, I listened to this episode many times!
Gratitude
”Quality over quantity” is my personal mantra with friendships. I’m so grateful my good friends now know this about me. I’m a quality time love language person, and when I get an hour to spare and can see a friend, we both know it’s precious. Owning this about my style of friendship has also made it easier to let go of whatever someone’s expectations of me are.
Innovation
Showing up as you really are is hard work. Some of you may be confused about who your authentic self even is. I have a tool for that: the shame triangle. This innovative method we developed at Reset has been instrumental in informing clients of their fears and limiting beliefs and revealing the truth about themselves in just one session. Ask your therapist about it or ask to work on it when you start with a Reset team member. It’s such a fun exercise that our entire team loves to share!
Feels
We’ve talked a lot about regulation over the last few weeks, and friendships are a beautiful space for bringing nervous system safety into your life. Think about the times you’ve felt safe amongst friends, safe to laugh, share a hard truth, make a mistake, and even reflect on all the silly things you did in your youth. Friends allow us to take a big breath and soften into the realness of ourselves if we allow ourselves to. Perhaps today, you can use this newsletter to take stock of your friendships. Do you feel safe in them? If not, it’s time to do a friendship audit and make a new plan to either learn how to reveal your truth or move on to people who can take you in as the imperfect, amazing person you are because you’re worth it.