TGIF | Conquering Rejection Sensitivity: A Guide to Resilience for Anyone and Women with ADHD

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Dear Community,

Did you see the moon this week? My new morning routine allows me to see sunrises and sunsets, and this week, the views have been spectacular. It makes 5 a.m. wake-ups more enjoyable when I can stop and appreciate nature’s magic.

However, earlier in the week, I also felt a bit more sensitive. You could blame it on the moon and Mercury in retrograde, but I knew what it was: rejection.

Most people are susceptible to fears of rejection. When I work with clients, drilling down our thoughts often leads them to conclude that, at the core, they are afraid of being unloveable, alone, and abandoned. Threats of rejection trigger these deep fears.

Interestingly, for women and girls, rejection fear is heightened when you throw in an ADHD brain. Called Rejection Sensitivity, women with ADHD have more of it due to a mix of brain chemistry, emotional challenges, and past experiences.

The thing is, people with ADHD often struggle to regulate their emotions, so even small social interactions can feel intensely personal. This sensitivity can be traced back to childhood experiences of rejection, like bullying or harsh criticism, which condition the brain to expect rejection and react strongly to it.

For women more so, this sensitivity is often heightened by societal pressures to be nurturing and in tune with others. When we don’t meet these expectations—often because of the way ADHD affects things like social cues and impulse control—we can feel rejected or like we’re not "good enough." Over time, the fear of rejection becomes ingrained, leading to anticipatory anxiety. This means that we may start withdrawing from social situations altogether for fear of disappointing others, which only deepens the sense of isolation and reinforces the narrative of not being food enough.

Exhaustingly, the constant fear of rejection can wear down self-esteem, creating a pattern of shame and self-doubt. Cool, cool, right? However, I’ve found that knowing about rejection sensitivity is super empowering. There’s a name to this angst, this heightened anxiety and deep shame, and a lot of women (and others) with ADHD experience it at a louder volume.

So here’s the thing—we do have a choice. Facing rejection—whether in social settings, interpersonally, or in our careers—is essential to building resilience, overcoming fear, and achieving personal progress. We must continue to act, even in the face of fear, so we can rebuild some of that esteem.

Even when facing possible rejection, moving towards it teaches us to navigate life’s challenges, and that failure is not something to avoid but something to learn from and grow through. The ability to experience failure/rejection and retain solid self-worth is fundamental to our strength and ability to operate as authentic versions of ourselves.

When I felt this way earlier this week, I did some research. I came across a recent article by writer Elise Loehnen, who writes, "Success is often hidden within our willingness to fail. Each rejection isn’t a loss—it’s a stepping stone toward growth and resilience."

To summarize her recommendations to overcome the fear of rejection:

1. Take Action: Don’t wait for fear to pass—move through it by taking action. Often, the fear of rejection worsens when we avoid what scares us.

2. Embrace Failure as Success: Shift your mindset to view rejection as a victory. The more you experience rejection, the stronger you become, and the easier it is to handle in the future.

3. Risk Feeling Ridiculous: Don’t let the fear of looking foolish hold you back. Taking healthy risks can lead to breakthrough moments, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

4. Invite Fear In: Acknowledge your fear instead of avoiding it. By facing fear head-on, you can desensitize yourself to it and feel more empowered in the long run.

5. Stay Motivated: Make sure you’re fully committed to your goals. Motivation is key in pushing through rejection and reaching new levels of growth.

But what about those with ADHD? For individuals with ADHD, overcoming fear of rejection can be even more complex due to heightened emotional sensitivity and challenges with emotional regulation. The fear of rejection feels more intense and personal. As I mentioned previously, the heightened sensitivity can make it harder to bounce back from perceived or actual rejection, potentially leading to avoidance behaviors or emotional burnout.

Here’s how the approach might differ for those with ADHD:

1. Take Action (with Extra Prep): Action can be tough with ADHD due to impulsivity or distractibility. Try breaking tasks into smaller steps to make them more manageable and less overwhelming.

2. Embrace Failure as Success (but Expect Emotional Responses): Rejection might hit harder for those with ADHD. Seeing it as a form of success is helpful, but be ready for stronger emotional reactions. This is where a therapist helps!

3. Risk Feeling Ridiculous (and Prepare for Emotional Overwhelm): Taking risks can be extra stressful with ADHD, as you might dwell on mistakes. Learning to manage this discomfort through mindfulness or grounding techniques can help ease the emotional load.

4. Invite Fear In (but Have Coping Tools Ready): Facing your fears is key, but those with ADHD might need extra support. Use self-compassion and calming techniques like deep breathing or journaling to handle intense emotions better.

5. Stay Motivated (Find Personalized Motivation): Motivation can be up and down with ADHD. Connect your goals to something personal, or get accountability from friends, mentors, or ADHD coaches to keep yourself on track.

Today at the gym, I was reminded that yoga is the practice of finding a comfortable seat within the poses and within our minds. I love using yoga as a tool to practice moving towards and sitting with discomfort—it’s so helpful in session, too! Using yoga to not only go to my edge, being so close to “failure” (falling out of poses, shaking in my muscles) but also breathing and getting back in it has profoundly built my resilience.

I leave you with this powerful and empowering poem from Dune. Remember, as always, you are never alone.

I must not fear. 
Fear is the mind killer. 
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. 
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. 
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. 
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. 
Only I will remain. 
Dune

And this week’s TGIFs…

TOOL—I’m obsessed with a new yoga class I found that is all about practicing and failing. I get to do the challenging poses I’ve been practicing for 15+ years in a safe, supportive place. Fridays, 8:30am. Maybe I’ll see you there next time.

GRATITUDE— My morning ritual of being thankful for the previous day is sticking and making a difference. Gratitude is really, truly transformational and helps us reframe this sneaky failure thoughts.

INNOVATION— Have you played Strands on NYTimes Games yet? My kiddo introduced me to it, and it’s so fun! I’ve found a little routine of doing my NY Times Games while I drink my morning coffee before my workouts, and it’s a great way to stimulate my mind with something more helpful than emails and social media ;)

FEELS—I’ve found that my own rejection sensitivity is caught up in fear of having to feel others' disappointment. Staying true to my values and needs has been instrumental in helping me face the fear and move through it. Other people’s opinions of me are not my concern, right?