TGIF | Back to School Blues: Navigating Parental Guilt and Finding Joy
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Dear Community,
My kids started school this week and I felt like I hoisted 10 elephants over a hurdle in order to get them to that first day on time, prepared, bags packed, supplies into order, fed well and nails clipped. In addition to volunteering to lead a welcome committee for new parents, host a team training later in the morning and still make it to my 6am workout class before any of this began…woof.
Back to school brings mixed feelings. I am grateful to have my kids in a loving community with supportive teachers and peers. I feel relief that the house is yet again quiet from 8am - 3pm, no longer working from a guest bed with the sound machine on to muffle the sounds of boys wrestling and demanding snacks. I also feel pressure to be present and “on” in a new and profound way from 3:30 pm - 8 pm as my kids are now gone most of the day.
The truth is, there’s a twinge right under the fatigue and relief and gratitude of, you guessed it - a story of guilt.
Like me, many parents experience a wave of mixed emotions as they transition to the school year. A nagging sense of guilt often overshadows the excitement of new beginnings. We ask ourselves:
Did we truly make the most of our summer break?
Did our children have a "magical" summer filled with unforgettable memories?
Did we do enough?
Ugh. I feel it - the pressure to provide our children with idyllic summers can be overwhelming. The summer is sold to us as time meant for slowing down and play, but for working parents, often a logistical matrix of coordinating childcare and the expectations of magic and meaning making. Social media is the worst in this comparison game. We strive to create this perfect balance of fun, learning, and relaxation.
But the reality is, life rarely unfolds according to our meticulously planned schedules. Unexpected detours, illnesses, or simply the demands of everyday life can disrupt our best-laid plans.
Yes, even in the summer.
For me, this was a summer I did not plan. In some ways it was more amazing than I anticipated and slower, mindful and relaxed and yet in other ways I had a lot of grief, anxiety and uncertainty due to the unexpected changes.
It’s in that slowness and cancelling of plans that I was able to remember that a "magical" summer doesn't require extravagant vacations or expensive experiences. Sometimes, the most cherished memories are created through simple moments of awe, shared laughter, and quality time together, which is what we found as our plans shifted and we made way for new traditions and adventures.
Overcoming Parental Guilt
Okay, so let’s talk how to to overcome feelings of parental guilt that creep it’s way in as summer ends.
First, as my own therapist likes to remind me, guilt is not an emotion, it’s a story.
Secondly, it's important to practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. You're not a perfect parent, and that's okay. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect, they need us to be calm, connected and a safe place to adventure from. We don’t need to be the curator all the time for their experiences, but we do need to be that soft place to land, that source of love, support and when we are around, presence.
Here are some additional strategies to help you navigate the back-to-school transition that I’ve found helps:
Focus on the positives: Celebrate the accomplishments and memories you created together this summer. My kids and I looked back over every photo from the summer, shared our stories, laughed, and just had fun remembering all we did this summer.
Start a new transition ritual: This year, I took my kids to “Practice Donuts” (for us, Leo’s Coney) the day before school started. We practiced our morning routine, got in the car at the time we’d need to for school and instead of going to school, we went to breakfast. It was fun and a way to slow down time before the new structure officially set in.
Set realistic expectations: This is where practicing what you consume is vital, as sadness and big feels often leads to scrolling and numbing with social media. Full stop. Don't compare your summer to others. Every family's experience is unique. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy.
Prioritize quality over quantity: The most important thing is the time you spend with your children, not the number of activities you do. Aim for just 1% of your day in 1x1 time with each kiddo; that’s about 20 minutes. I like to read books, go on bike rides and play board games as ways to connect. During the school year time feels a bit more precious, so when I remember it’s just 1% of my day, I feel more abundant and less stressed about failing to have the time.
Practice gratitude: Express gratitude for the good in your life, including your children, even on the hard days and the days we feel a sense of longing and grief over time past. Summer is also a lot of time with our kids - something to cherish and also something that can be overwhelming. Locating the good in all the moments, even the tricky ones, is a tool for staying grounded and connected to yourself so you can be that much more available to your kids.
Finding Joy in the Journey
Remember, the goal of parenting is not to create a perfect summer or a perfect child. It's to nurture a loving and supportive relationship. As you navigate the back-to-school transition, focus on the joy of watching your children grow and learn. I’ve found when I am in their world - whether it’s cooking s’mores, finding butterflies, doing math homework together, listening to their funny story, watching them play, and genuinely having adventures with them, I feel more fulfilled. Quality over quality.
My guilt may still linger, just a little, as I watch time move quickly, but when I remember to slow down, recall the little moments, and savor the moment right now in front of me, the presence gives way to gratitude and joy.
Deep breath. We’ve got this.
Remember, you're not alone. We're all in this together.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL—Here’s something - is it really guilt? Our friends at Good Inside have a great Guilt Guide to help you assess and navigate the tricky feeling.
GRATITUDE— Community is truly a lifesaver as we don’t want to feel alone in our feelings. If you’re feeling a certain way, remember to share it out loud with someone who can safely hold space for you. Be a model of support for your kiddos in this practice. I’m grateful for my friends and my therapist who can do this for me!
INNOVATION— Parents- we’ve been seen. This announcement from the Surgeon General is groundbreaking. While there is no immediate relief, seeing real attention brought to paid parental leave, childcare accessibility and mental health is exciting to see.
FEELS—This summer, despite all the stress summer brings, I leaned into habits in a new way. I’ve found that while it sometimes is annoying, my 5am wake-ups, 6am workouts, and morning routine of caring for myself have set me up to be more energetic, emotionally available for others, and generally in a better mood. Self-care is not selfish, y’all!