How to Build Connection in Your Relationships
We are living in a world that is full of potentially connecting moments.
So many of us are longing for just that, connection. We are longing to be heard, to be seen. When these human needs of ours are unmet in so many different areas of our lives, it is common to feel defeated, lonely, frustrated, angry, or depressed.
When we become mindful of the way that we communicate, we can make a conscious effort to bring connection into our relationships, and even into the little moments. We can become aware of the habits we cling to that help us meet some needs, but prevent us from meeting others. In conversations, we often find ourselves habitually reacting or responding. Sometimes, this can lead us into a disconnected state.
When we respond in the following (common, disconnecting) ways, we may miss an opportunity to show someone that we care about them and what they are sharing:
One upping
When we respond by ‘one upping’ we may be attempting to meet our own needs of being heard and being seen. Or, we might be feeling really excited to share about this particular event that the other person reminded you of. Regardless, it can be disconnecting and stimulate feelings of frustration, annoyance, or disconnection on the other end.
Advice Giving
Woof. This one hits home with me. When we respond to someone’s sharing by giving advice that they haven’t asked for, they might not want it! We might be attempting to nurture, support, or care for them when we immediately jump to giving advice, but doing so can actually be really disconnecting, and frustrated for the other person! You might not know all the details in order to give suitable advice, and sometimes, we just want to express ourselves, and feel like someone is listening.
Diminishing
Here is another popular one…diminishing. How many times have you heard, “well, at least you…”? This one has been the hardest habit for me to break personally. It can be tempting to try to point out the positives, to see some light at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes that is not what we need to feel heard, seen, or understood. Sometimes pointing out the bright-side is something we do in attempt to find comfort, or a peace-of-mind. Which can be helpful, but those needs can be hard to fully embody unless we acknowledge the hard stuff first.
Minimizing
When we minimize, we go a step beyond diminishing. We try to make a situation or event as small as we can. We might do this to meet our own needs for comfort. Or we might minimize to meet our own needs for ease or space. Minimizing is actually a strategy that is often times used when we don’t have enough empathy ourselves, so it feels impossible to give empathy to others. So, rather than experiencing guilt about not being able to provide empathy, we can act like there is nothing to provide empathy about (psst… we can always give empathy, as long as our own empathy tanks are filled up).
Dismissing
The most common example of dismissing: “calm down”. This doesn’t help with calming someone down, and, it most likely won’t help someone feel heard. We are essentially welcoming waves of disconnection with this response.
Deflecting
Similar to some of the other responses, deflecting may be a strategy we use to find comfort when we are uncomfortable with what someone is sharing.
Some strategies we can use to experience more connection, while simultaneously contributing to others’ needs for being seen and being heard are:
Being Present
Most the time, just being present and listening is enough. Space to share and someone to listen to the fun and exciting things and the rough and challenging things what many of us really want.
Being Curious About and Acknowledging the Feelings & Needs of the Other
Utilizing this feelings and needs sheet may be helpful.
Reflecting back feelings and needs that the person shared directly or indirectly can help them feel like you have been presently listening and care about what they are sharing. If they have not shared their feelings, you can guess what they may be feeling or needing. “Are you feeling…?” “That sounds….” “Are you needing some….?” Sometimes just hearing your feelings and needs reflected back to you even though you haven’t shared them can be healing in and of itself.
Being Curious About and Acknowledging Your Own Feelings & Needs
Utilizing this feelings and needs sheet may be helpful.
You can be curious about and share your own feelings and needs. Letting the other person know that you don’t have the space to talk can be more connecting than deflecting or changing the subject. Or, rather than reactively ‘one upping’, becoming mindful of your need to be seen and becoming curious if maybe the person sharing is also trying to meet that same need can be helpful.
Checking-In, and Requesting or Offering More Connection
Sometimes, the intention behind one of the ‘disconnecting’ responses above is actually connection. It can just be disguised really well. So, it can be helpful to check-in and see if there is anything else they would like to share before offering one of those responses up.
If there is a piece of advice you just really feel a desire to share, you might share what you heard the person share so they know you have an understanding of their situation, and then ask if they are open to hearing some advice or suggestions.
Putting your ‘one up’ share on the ‘back burner’ can also be helpful. First of all, it’s helpful that you aren’t sharing it in the moment where someone else is sharing. Second, you can establish more connection if you wait until the person finishes sharing, so that you can hold space for them and later come back to your thought and then ask if you can share something that you were reminded of when they were sharing. Many times, our ‘one-upping’ thought doesn’t seem so urgent after we experience connection.
It can also be connecting to express gratitude surrounding your relationship, and the conversation. It takes vulnerability to be present, to connect, to share.
Here are some other great tips and ideas for when you wanting more connection.
Getting in touch with our feelings and needs is a huge part of experiencing connection with ourselves and each other. If this is something you struggle with, this is exactly when working with a therapist can be beneficial.
By weaving curiosity, empathy, and intentional space into our relationships, we can all experience more connection.
When others feel seen and heard, it can inspire them to help us feel seen and heard as well. It is a cycle. We can bring more connection, compassion, and understanding into our relationships and our world.
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