Gaslighting: How do I know if it's happening to me and what do I do?
“Honestly, I AM being honest!”
Have you ever been in this type of situation:
A person is telling you things that do not match their behaviors/actions or factual reality. They are spinning a story and you get frustrated and start talking to them about being honest and they respond with “I AM being honest!” and this conversation devolves quickly. You keep trying to get them to admit the discrepancies. They keep insisting and trying to convince you of their story. You are left questioning reality and your own sanity. And to make matters worse, you don’t believe this to be a malicious person so you think “Of course they can’t be gaslighting me, they are a good person.” Well...
In that moment - whether due to a lack of self-awareness, fear, self-denial, self-preservation, shame, or some other non-malicious driving force - the person is not able to see, acknowledge or accept that their actions, thoughts, beliefs and words are not in alignment and that what they are saying is likely contradicting reality. They are lacking integrity. And when they refuse to acknowledge this, especially on a continuous basis, they are gaslighting you. Whether they mean to or not.
Not thrilled to report that I’ve been in this situation on more than one occasion. And it took me a long time to stop going down the path of a useless “honesty” fight. Because, I’ve found, often people truly do think they are being honest. Which creates a mess of an emotional and social situation. And it’s much harder to deal with since it feels like dealing with a ghost.
So what do I do when someone is gaslighting me even if I don’t think they are consciously trying to?
Here’s what I do:
Recognize the situation for what it is. This person believes that they are being honest. This does not mean that they are in touch with reality or that they are acting/speaking/acting with integrity.
I love how Ariel Leve describes it in this article: “Detaching from the gaslighting does not mean total detachment. It means distinguishing between the world of the gaslighter and the real world.”
Hold on to your reality. You know what you know. You heard what you heard. You saw what you saw. Do not change your reality because of pressure from others to “make things okay.” Easier said than done, I understand.
A change in your perspective should come from a thoughtful, clear, logical, and diligent discussion with that person. Not from their denials, stonewalling, active or passive (e.g. giving you negative body language) demands, threats or pleading for you to change what you “think” you saw or heard. If the latter is happening, that can be a sign that you are being gaslit.
Don’t fight for accountability. All you want is for them to “open their eyes,” see the truth and take responsibility for the misalignment. Fighting for that will get you nowhere.
Because a person who is not ready or is not interested in seeing their lack of integrity or who doesn’t care about their integrity will never say “you’re right, I need to take a step back because I’m not being honest with myself and thus not being honest with you.”
Now, you can think about what this means to you. Do you want to spend your time wishing things were different, or fighting for them or the situation to be different? Or can you accept this person and the situation exactly how they are right now?
If you can accept them, what does that mean to you?
It could mean that you simply let them be. It’s not your responsibility to grow someone’s self-awareness, bravery or integrity.
It might mean that you gently point out the misalignment. Every person will have moments when they lack integrity. A person who is interested in and doing their inner work - working on their self-awareness, reflecting on their actions and words and who want to self-correct - will reflect on what happened, what you said, how they acted and take responsibility on their own.
It might mean that you end the friendship or relationship altogether. Remember, accepting someone or forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to stay with them.
Whatever it ends up meaning to you, I hope this approach helps you make an intentional decision that is best for you if you ever find yourself in this type of crazy-making situation.
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