Coping with Late-Term Pregnancy Loss/Stillbirth
A note: I write about late-term pregnancy loss not from personal experience, but as a mental health provider. My hope is that I can provide you with one or two nuggets of wisdom that you can use to enrich your life during this immensely difficult time.
Model and author, Chrissy Teigen, recently brought into the light something that is almost never in the public eye: late-term pregnancy loss. I was so encouraged to see her share her story, because I know so many women can relate to her pain. Her willingness to be so vulnerable about something so raw was powerful.
Late-term pregnancy loss (stillbirth) can be a deeply traumatic experience. It’s made even more challenging when it’s met with silence – when we don’t talk about it. You will feel a whole cocktail of emotions related to your loss, but I hope that shame is not among them. Shame can be a huge obstacle to getting the help you need. You deserve to spend time on yourself, to meet your own needs, and to be supported.
Find a community
Maybe none of your friends have experienced late-term pregnancy loss or stillbirth but I can assure you that many women have. Find a community of women who have gone through what you have. Postpartum Support International, the leading organization that provides resources for women throughout pregnancy, the postpartum period, and pregnancy and infant loss, offers online support groups for women who have lost babies during pregnancy or after birth. This can be a great way to meet other women who can accompany you on your healing journey.
Move at your own pace
Your grieving process does not have to follow anyone’s schedule. Grief is not the linear process we often think it is. (See the stages of grief image for a more realistic picture of the grieving process). Feelings of loss may diminish for a time then get reignited as you reach difficult milestones such as the anniversary of the baby’s due date or Mother’s/Father’s Day. Painful emotions can also be triggered by changes in your body – breast milk production or the return of menstruation. Even feelings of ambivalence or relief can be a part of the grieving process. Be patient with yourself and allow whatever emotions you’re feeling to exist. This is a time to move slowly. You don’t have to clear out the nursery or erase any preparations you made for the baby’s arrival. Well-meaning people may insist that you protect yourself from any reminders of your loss but that’s for you to decide. Trust your own innate ability to grieve. We are built to grieve. We are built to heal.
If you’re blaming yourself
This is a common reaction to the loss of a pregnancy. Often self-criticism comes about as an attempt to gain control over a situation that feels completely unmanageable. It can make the loss seem more comprehensible. Self-blame, though, can be very destructive. It damages the trust you have in your own body. You may even feel violated by the loss. Your sense of safety in your own body can be shaken. Though this is a common experience when you’ve suffered the loss of a pregnancy, you will need support to heal from this. Lacking trust in your body can lead to immense anxiety and fear in any subsequent pregnancies. A therapist can help you rebuild self-trust after pregnancy loss.
Integrate the loss in your life story
The loss is a part of you. It’s important to recognize the joys and the pains that the pregnancy and loss brought. Integrating the loss into your life story can help you derive meaning from your experience. The loss of a baby is not something you will ever “get over.” It’s something that will always be a part of you. Sharing your story can help you integrate the loss. It can be a deeply healing experience to share the story of your loss – to bring one or more people inside the bubble with you, so to speak.
Consider honoring your baby
Honoring the baby is an important step in the grieving process. You may choose to write your story (shared or unshared). You may choose to make a memory box or wear a keepsake item. Remember that the goal of grief is not to forget, but to heal the painful emotions so that you can remember your baby with peace and love. Artistic expression (whichever variety feels best to you) is another great way to honor your baby. Baby Center has some good ideas to get you started.
Communicating with your partner
The loss of a baby can put enormous strain on a relationship. You and your partner may handle the loss in completely different ways. Keeping the discussion of the loss “on the table” is vital. You will be each other’s greatest source of support and it’s essential that you are able to communicate your needs to each other. It can feel much more comfortable to focus on happier topics, but don’t stop talking about the loss. Allow your partner the uninterrupted time to share their experience of the loss with you (how they’re feeling, how they’re coping, what they need from you or others). Ask your partner to allow you to do the same. If you feel stuck, seeing a couple’s counselor can help you and your partner start the conversation and communicate in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming.
Getting Support
Grieving is a natural process, but it can feel too overwhelming and scary to go through without help. Therapy is a great option to if you’re finding yourself repressing the pain or become too overwhelmed by it. A therapist creates a safe space for you to express any and all emotions that come up throughout your grieving process. Your therapist will help you find healthy ways to honor and channel your painful emotions.
It’s especially important to see a therapist if you’re experiencing any of the following:
Flashbacks, nightmares, or severe emotional distress
Avoiding people, places, or activities that remind you of your loss
Feeling hopeless about the future
Feeling unable to talk about your experience
Difficulty sleeping
Difficulty concentrating
Overwhelming guilt or shame
Irritability, chronic anger, or aggressive behavior
Self-destructive behavior (drinking too much, overeating or under-eating, drug use, etc.)
Thoughts of suicide
Know that there is hope after late-term pregnancy loss. Finding peace and even joy after a loss is possible. Healing may not happen quickly, but with time and support, it will happen.
Click here to learn more about post-partum therapy.
