A Truth Inside of Us
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Hi Community,
So much of our lives are lived trying to be human. To fit in, to excel, to get safe, to feel content, to aspire, to inspire, to laugh and be happy, and have a meaningful life.
And yet, we get in our own way so often that accomplishing or arriving at any of those things feels impossible. Why do we do this and how can we side-step the obstacles in front of us?
Let’s dig in.
TOOLS
In my years as a human resources leader trudging through different corporate environments, I met hundreds and hundreds of people from all backgrounds. In recruitment, I had opportunities to engage with people from college-age to near retirement. Everyone had a story, had goals and if I was lucky, I heard about their hobbies, trips, and families. My decade of interviewing left me with the desire to get to know people in the landscape outside of their career: How did they get here? What do they truly desire? And most importantly, how can I help in a way I cannot help as a hired employee?
When I left the HR field I was terrified. I had built up substantial skills through the years helping people negotiate the stressful corporate world but helping people on my own was different. Venturing into my own practice meant more was on the line and it was just me, my reputation, and my delivery of expectations that would be measured. So, I started with what I knew: working with busy, over-achieving, perfectionist, highly ambitious professionals and students. People who were like me, or, like I used to be (still a work in progress). My Type A peers were my perfect client because I understood them, and it worked. I had an arsenal of tools to help them identify stressors and combat the on-going struggles of life. They in turn felt less pressure, less anxiety, planned less, and lived more in the present.
But here's the thing: I then started to get clients I could not identify with. People with backgrounds, ailments, and concerns that I had no history in. Not being able to rely on commonalities related to Type Aisms, I developed a Cycle of Stress model that could be used with anyone. We talked about stressors, thought patterns, common emotions, and their habitual reactions when life got tough. What I found surprised me. No matter what someone came in with, every single person had the same underlying thought:
“I am not enough.”
GRATITUDE
The one debilitating, scary, threatening thought that everyone has and no one talks about. Such a thought and the subsequent, "How can I do better?", "What more can I do?", "I should have done ___ differently", "I am a failure", "People will judge me"... and so on, all circle around the idea of inadequacy. This is pretty commonplace with those of us who are on the perfectionist scale, but I was seeing this show up in a large demographic.
And what does this teach us? It sure tells me that we all ought to be a bit more compassionate. We all ought to understand that everyone is a little scared, a little bit full of self-doubt, and a big bit vulnerable.
That even the most high-powered executives (I've encountered many) have thoughts that circle around insecurity.
Although we at Reset can certainly teach clients how to negotiate with those thoughts to remove them from the internal narrative, what's more profound is if we can truly understand the human in all of us.
INNOVATION
And here, I want to offer you some more human perspective.
I am just like you. I am just like all those clients I’ve worked with in the past.
We don’t have the same background. We have different privileges, traumas, intergenerational cycles to break, and daily routines.
However, I too struggle with inferiority, insecurities, and fearing rejection. I get awkward entering a room of strangers or acquaintances. I care about what others think. I wonder if my clothes, shoes, and skin are acceptable. I sacrifice my boundaries to appease others. I bend my values for approval and belonging. I dig my head in the sand to avoid the truth.
The truth is this: I’m just like you.
You, too are negotiating with your value. You, too are worried about how you’re perceived. You, too are fearful of rejection. You, too want belonging, safety, ease, and confidence. You, too want to be accepted and loved without the constant noise that tells you that you keep having to do more, prove more, in order to have it all. You, too just want to feel joy and peace.
You too, are a spiritual being having this extraordinary human experience.
And gosh is it hard.
FEELS
In the moments of “not enough”, I urge you to remember that you are not alone. All of us beings are just trying to figure it out in this chaotic, oftentimes toxic, and painful human world. A lot of us veer off the path and hurt ourselves or others. A lot of us float disconnected from all reality as a way to numb and avoid this very human struggle of worthiness.
A lot of us get mad at others, at their failings to get out of their own way.
But can we see ourselves in others? Can we see the pain, tension, traumas, and hurt?
Can we see that maybe, perhaps, we all started out good, and many have just lost their way?
Can we forgive each other?
See, if I am just like you, perhaps you are just like someone else. Perhaps you are just like your neighbor who voted differently, your colleague who chews loudly, your Uncle who says sexist statements, and the politician who can’t pass helpful legislation.
Living is difficult, especially in this world we’ve created (and inherited!). Everyone has a story and is struggling in some way.
What if we treat everyone with a bit more kindness and tenderness? Because when we’re honest with ourselves we see that we too are tender and afraid.
Step back. Get out of your own way to see the truth all around us - we’re here for each other, so let’s make sure we show up.
Click here to learn more about therapy for mindfulness.
