Why We Self-Sabotoge
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I’ve been feeling good this week, like really good.
I feel connected and strong in my body. I feel grateful and grounded. I’m connecting to my Elevated clients in enormous ways, literally helping them move decades of mountainous burdens in just one session, and I can say I’m happy. It feels significant, to say out loud, “I am happy”. I know I don’t do that enough, or genuinely feel it enough.
And yet…
I feel like a Jenga game. I feel like if just one piece gets removed, I’ll crumble to the ground.
The fragility of my happiness is unsettling.
So I have to ask myself, why so fragile?
TOOLS
I 100% can acknowledge why I feel happy right now. There are practical tools I’ve been employing beyond my normal things like therapy, sleep, and green smoothies ;)
One, I’ve committed to moving my body every day. Exercise is a happy drug for me, and science repeatedly supports this argument.
Second, I haven’t had any alcohol since Halloween. As an Enneagram Type 7, I’m prone to indulgence, consumption, and gluttony. This practice of sobriety has been eye-opening to me. What has been a crutch typically when I feel stressed, overwhelmed, or most significantly, bored, I’ve tended towards a small drink. Not a lot but enough to “take the edge” off. Enough to allow me to move past my feelings, my discomforts, my pains and find more ease.
It is also no surprise to me that with removing alcohol, I have also decreased my dopamine tolerance. Dopamine, the feel-good chemical, is dramatically impacted by drugs and alcohol. That loose, disassociated, relaxed feeling you get while drinking then becomes something your brain chases. Other things that elicit this are social media (literally engineered to do so), sugar, fatty foods, and other things that businesses have identified as addicting because of the dopamine response and market to us strongly…yay.
I know I’m just at the tip of the iceberg with this sober curiosity and am mindful of the roller coaster up ahead. But so far, not drinking during social times and stressful times has given me clarity and a strong sense of pride that has only grown my happiness and confidence in myself. I’ve reset my happiness tolerance so more ordinary, everyday things feel better. Which leads me to…
GRATITUDE
My husband watched a documentary the other day and has been repeating this statement he learned from it since:
“If you want to live a good life, you must practice gratitude and forgiveness daily.”
I can resonate with this strongly. When I am employing my self-preservation tools, I am more grateful. I see things with more love. I view the world and difficult people with more compassion. I live by the mantra that everyone is doing the best they can, even me, and I am okay with that.
In gratitude, I can be content and grounded. I do not wanderlust, I do not dwell on the negative, I can see what needs to be shifted, acknowledge what is painful and take action (or sit in it more comfortably).
In forgiveness, I simply reserve my energy better. I do not waste time holding resentment towards anyone. I accept people’s limitations. I accept my own imperfections.
INNOVATION
And yet. The fragility of it all. The feeling like one misstep will throw it all off balance. That I will screw this feeling up. That I will make a mistake, act reckless, and lose it all.
The incessant worry of looming self-sabotage.
So, why?
Well, what I fail to acknowledge at the moment when I’m on this cycle of feeling good is how hard it is. I’m feeling the momentum, motivation, and upward spiral so much that I do not give myself enough credit for the strength, discipline, and commitment it requires. I share more about Why We Quit in this video.
If we want life to be easy, we do the hard things. If we want life to be hard, we do the easy things.
My happiness is determined by my execution of doing the hard things.
It is hard to wake up before the kids
It is hard to stop scrolling (join our campaign, #pauseforpresence!)
It is hard to say “no”
It is hard to turn off Netflix to go to sleep by 10pm
It is hard to resist emotional impulses
It is hard to be consistent
It is hard to choose the healthier option
It is hard to exercise
So yea, no wonder it feels fragile. Because it is. Because humans like the easy button, the instant gratification, and quick fix.
Humans do not like hard.
FEELS
So is it self-sabotage or simply giving in to my inherent wiring to avoid pain, boredom, and hard things?
Many times in my life when I have gotten “off track” or wavered in my self-discipline I have dove strongly into my shame spiral calling myself lazy, a quitter, not good enough, and a total f*ck up.
This time I’m trying to practice moderation, balance, and mindfulness. When I look at the hard things as punishment and as unmovable strict guidelines, then I naturally rebel. I’ll rebel against my freedoms feeling encroached upon. I want control!
But we have to ask ourselves what is genuine, what is for me and my highest good? Despite it being hard, are my actions in alignment with my highest potential, my best self? Is it for an outcome that is outside of myself (like attention, weight loss, control), or is it for an outcome that is more philosophical, more intangible, more self-compassionate?
And here’s the thing: right now, this level of happiness is surreal. It feels so good and I honestly wonder, “wow, if this was every day, I’d be on top of the world!”. And this is a feeling I would be upset losing. Knowing how good I feel and not wanting to lose it is further motivation.
Regardless, I know and can expect bumps. I can expect lower days and difficulties because, despite my best efforts, things happen. But I also understand even clearer my strength and my resiliency and so I can be empowered to return to happiness again and again and again.
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