Why Are We Not Taught How to Love?
This past weekend, I watched a short but powerful TedTalk on The difference between healthy and unhealthy love, presented by Katie Hood. Katie made a very poignant point about how the word love is used incredibly often in our society and yet we are never explicitly taught the skill between what is healthy and unhealthy love. Luckily, her organization OneLoveFoundation has taken on this important work to help all of us better understand and more quickly identify cues of what is love and what is not love.
And if you are starting to notice that you are in an unhealthy relationship, we are here for you and here are five resources to help in the meantime.
Educational Videos
Before we jump into the list, I wanted to point out the wonderful videos that One Love has created. Sometimes reading something is helpful but having things acted out can help us understand on a gut level rather than only at an intellectual level.
Okay here we go, the 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship from One Love.
#1. Intensity
We are often shown that passion in a relationship has to be an incredibly intense thing. But to me, passion feels like a well-nurtured bonfire -- it’s providing a steady stream of heat that is not overwhelming, feels manageable and doesn’t consume you and your life. Intensity is “when someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the-top behavior that feels overwhelming.”
#2. Possessiveness
Something that was tough for me to spot in my previous relationship is that possessiveness doesn’t have to be an active thing or direct language such as, “I don’t want you to talk to them anymore” or “Stop hanging out with them.” It can be more passive, such as pouting or getting sad when you talk to your family or friends, making you feel guilty for spending time with people who are not them.
An important note is that, “Possessiveness is often excused as being overprotective or having really strong feelings for someone.” Whatever excuse is given, it doesn’t change what’s happening. I used to think, “Aww, my partner doesn’t have as many friends as I do so that’s why they are acting like this,” but that’s simply an excuse for an unhealthy behavior.
#3. Manipulation
As One Love says, “Manipulation is often hard to spot, because it can be expressed in subtle or passive-aggressive ways. You know you’re being manipulated if someone is trying to convince you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing, ignores you until they get their way, or tries to influence your feelings.”
I personally did not consider the last one -- “..tries to influence your feelings” -- and this is where I had experienced gaslighting. My previous partner’s survival response was to avoid conflict at all cost and this included changing the story until it was one that would make me feel “Okay,” meaning pacify me, except it never did and of course made things unhealthy and toxic.
#4. Isolation
This is a great 15 second video to show isolation. Isolation can happen slowly and can be combined with possessiveness. Some potential points to review are: “If you are experiencing isolation, you may end up feeling like you’re dependent on your partner for love, money or acceptance.”
#5. Sabotage
Sabotage can be blatant, but it can also be in a passive or “innocent” feeling way. If someone is keeping you from doing things that are important to you, whether it’s by telling you “Oh come on, you can miss it this once!” or directly asking you “Don’t go,” check in with yourself. Is this person supporting you reaching your goals or keeping you from them?
Furthermore, “Behaviors like talking behind your back, starting rumors, or threatening to share private information about you, is also sabotage.”
#6. Belittling
If you have been or visited dating sites, people often refer to sarcasm as a positive thing. And it can be, when done appropriately. But too often, sarcasm is used to label what actually is belittling and contempt.
“This includes name-calling, making rude remarks about people you’re close with, or criticizing you. It’s also belittling when someone makes fun of you in a way that makes you feel bad, even if it’s played off as a joke.”
Everyone can make a comment that unintentionally hurts a close one. The key is to see how your partner or friend reacts when you tell them that something they’ve said hurt you. If they accept and apologize the impact they had on you (and not excuse themselves by saying “I didn’t mean it that way”), you can check in with yourself to see if you can forgive and move past. If this happens often, check in with yourself. Remember, you do not have to stay with someone even if you forgive them.
#7. Guilting
Ooof, this was a tough one for me to work through. For someone who grew up in a culture that was shame driven, it’s a weak spot. Even when someone isn’t trying to make me feel bad for them, my default it to try to take care of them regardless whether I actually want to or not. I have worked on this and now choose a different action -- I offer words of empathy “Oh wow, that sounds so tough, I wish you didn’t have to go through that” and later send them loving kindness as a way to keep myself from overstepping.
Remember, guilting “includes threatening to hurt themselves or others if you don’t do as they say or stay with them. They might also pressure you to do something that you’re not comfortable with by claiming that it’s important to them or that it’ll hurt their feelings if you don’t do it.”
#8. Volatility
Another tough one for me. Something that took me by surprise during my unhealthy relationship is how the volatility was not always directed at me or even about me. Whenever something would be upsetting, there would be volatile behavior like throwing the headphones when something goes wrong at work or kicking a tree when an app isn’t loading fast enough. I have learned that these behaviors should not be excused or dismissed. “A volatile person makes you feel like you need to walk on eggshells around them or they will have extreme reactions to small things. Your relationship with them might feel like a rollercoaster that contains extreme ups and downs.”
#9. Deflecting Responsibility
Deflecting responsibility can look differently--it could be a denial of what happened, or a confusing response that takes some accountability but excuses some of it or talks out of both sides of their mouth. Basically, when a person takes accountability, you aren’t left feeling confused or “halfway there”.
“Often, this includes making excuses based on alcohol or drug use, mental health issues or past experiences (like a cheating ex or divorced parents).”
#10. Betrayal
Something that has always struck me is that cheating seems to have a universal definition when in reality it does not -- the boundaries of a relationship are defined between the people who are in that relationship. And these boundaries look different from one set of people to another. This is why it’s important to have open conversations early on about what cheating means to all of the people in the relationship. But betrayal doesn’t just mean cheating, it also means lying (including omitting information), purposefully leaving you out, and being two-faced.
Keeping these 10 signs close to you can be a helpful way to begin checking in with yourself what type of relationship you are in.
Click here to learn more about The Couples Reset.
