What Are We Doing Wrong?

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Dear Community,

Welcome back to TGIF. Thank you for your patience as I took some much needed time to rebalance, recalibrate and dare I say, “reset” with my family.

A lot has been going on. I’ve felt your concerns, gratitudes, joys, and questions. I’m feeling it too.

Something is amiss. Things just don’t seem to make sense. People are really struggling. So today, I want to explore the question, “what are we doing wrong?”

TOOLS

Within the last couple of weeks, a new screening tool recommendation has come out for children 8 years old and above. The US Preventative Services Task Force has put forward many recommendations over the years focused on prevention and has provided incredible and ground-breaking resources that save lives.

Preventative mental health care is essential. As a practice, we have known that for years, and thus why we have developed tools and systems to get ahead of the problem in children so that mild anxiety, depression, and risk factors do not develop into more extreme and intense disorders later in life.

However. Insurance companies do not pay for preventative mental health services. Our managed health system does not cover preventative mental health “well visits” or frequent check-ins. If we start implementing screenings for children as young as 8, what do we do if they are showing risk factors?

How do we meet the need when over 7% of children are diagnosed with anxiety and another 20% of adults have anxiety? That’s every 5th person walking around with anxiety. And every 4th person has a mental health-related disorder.

GRATITUDE

I am incredibly grateful that mental health is getting the attention it deserves. I’ve said that often over the last few years and how more and more people are opening up and aware of just how ubiquitous mental health struggles are. People are asking for help.

But what happens when there is so much demand and not enough resources? How can we fix this problem? And again, what are we doing wrong that has created such enormous need, especially at young ages?

My thought is that we’re more scared than ever before. Even when we were actually in a World War, people kept to a more localized focus. The pandemic clearly showed us the contagion of fear is real. And here’s the thing: fear is innately socially fueled.

We are tribalistic humans. We respond to others around us react together in order to preserve our survival. So when we catch the fear feeling, it’s very easy for mass movements to begin. It’s our biological response to react to someone else’s fear.

And so, what happens when fear is so easily spread? When news, social media, texting, television, podcasts, Twitter so quickly share worrisome, scary, frightening things?

We feel threatened all the time. We worry. We imagine worse-case scenarios. We fall into despair, apathy, depression, and hopelessness. We frantically control, predict, and fight to prevent anything bad from happening. We shelter. We isolate. We argue. We burn out. We fatigue. We feel alone. We feel we have to go about it alone, too.

INNOVATION

Is it any wonder that we’re all more anxious? That our children now are showing signs of anxiety as young as 8? Even younger?

This article was a bombshell of truth that came out last week. It reiterates our inability to handle discomfort, our need for immediate relief, our disconnection from each other, and our overbearing need to fight and protect ourselves.

We are an anxious society. Our inability to handle our own fears, stop the spread and just trust has led to a double-down attitude toward our beliefs, values, and lifestyles. We are tearing apart as a society. Smartphones and social media aren’t helping, but not the end-all-be-all solution either.

Instead, we have to tolerate discomfort. Our brains are wired to try to get rid of the pain as soon as possible while searching for pleasure. But to keep us motivated and evolving, we are wired to lose pleasure in the pleasure response just as quickly as we found. And our world has made this interchange happen so quickly we do not even recognize it happening. The immediacy in which we can flee discomfort and get a resolution is expected. I’m hungry! I can get a FREAKY FAST sandwich, order it on my phone, and be eating within 5 minutes.

We no longer have to work for our pleasure. Yet then when we do face adversity and it’s a challenge to us, we feel incompetent, overwhelmed, and well, anxious. We feel like a failure, compare ourselves to others, lose motivation, and then feel, depressed. We cannot focus, procrastinate, distract ourselves from anything but the task at hand and feel, inattentive.

FEELS

So here’s the thing. There are layers upon layers of cultural manifestations that have created the society in which we’re struggling. In Japan, they build their communities to foster more child safety and independence as we see in the new Netflix show, “Old Enough!”. Free-Range parenting is terrifying to most parents, who hear of non-stop horrible things happening to children across the country. And yet, we have to foster independence so our kids can learn what they are capable of. This means all of us adults need to be less anxious and less driven by our fears.

And I get it. I had months of debilitating anxiety when the pandemic kept going and the climate crisis was in my face non-stop. I couldn’t help my intrusive thoughts of doomsday inevitability despite my best efforts through meditation, psychotherapy, nature, and sleep. I knew my fears were getting in the way of my children’s happiness and development. I felt awful.

I’m not saying it’s the answer for everyone, but for the sake of my family, I turned to medication. Using medication to help me bridge the gap between what I was doing and where I wanted to be allowed me my own freedom. Of course, I had to overcome the feelings of being a failure and of thinking I should be able to do it on my own. It was worth it because now I have the mental energy to do preventative things like exercise, cook healthy meals, have fun, successfully practice mindful presence, and play with my kids.

Managing my own mental health has allowed my children to have a better childhood. And I strongly believe, that is the legacy we owe to them. The Earth is already suffering enough, so I choose to do whatever it takes to make the future brighter for my kids.

I invite you to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Could your kids be happier and healthier if you were happier and healthier? Could they feel more positive, competent, and confident if you took the (even drastic) steps to take care of yourself, manage your worry, and let go?

If there is even an inkling of a yes… do not hesitate. Make it essential to stop the contagion of fear, to create a positive attitude, and just, well, enjoy this life.

I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Outside. Playful. Kids galivanting. No phones in our hands ;)

Hugs. You’re not alone.

Click here to learn more about counseling for anxiety.