We’re Sticking Around: How to Take On the World (and Stop Numbing and Escaping All The Fear)
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Hi community,
Last week was tough for me following the mass shooting in Highland Park. Thank you for your patience as I took additional time to cope and process an event that took place very close to home and impacted many people I care deeply about.
As I’ve spent more time reflecting, reading, and processing, I remained stuck on this idea of fleeing it all: the heartache, the pain, the anxiety, the fear, the violence, the politics, the grief. Many people I know not so cavalierly are discussing their alternate plans: visas to Canada, job relocations to London, and cross-country moves.
And I get it. We’re scared. But, “We don’t want to bury our heads in the sand,” says Dana McMakin, associate professor of psychology at Florida International University, who studies how to increase positive thinking. “Yet at the same time, we want to take breaks from worry to build resiliency so we can take on the world.”
I’m going to outline a bit of the how in today’s newsletter. But overall, here’s what I’ve decided: we can do it. The path just seems less straightforward now. In WW2 it was clear - women, get to work. Now, there’s so much noise and nuance.
I was venting to a friend yesterday that I feel like I just keep donating. And I want to yell at the people I’m donating to, the organizations, and say, “NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!?!”
I’m impatient, mad, and tired. And then my wise inner voice soothes me and says, “Honey, so are they”.
So tired, mad, and impatient are the politicians trying to do the right thing, so too are the activists fighting since Columbine (20 yrs ago folx) for stricter gun laws, the black women fighting for equality in healthcare, the LGBTQI community fighting for personhood, the indigenous peoples fighting for their property back…it goes on.
And yet, we keep fighting.
Peace in the world can only be established if the people in the world are at peace with themselves.
I think I know my place in this. Let’s help you find yours.
TOOLS
As I lamented before, I get frustrated with the amount of money my bleeding heart is donating and yet not seeing any changes. However, we, unfortunately, know that money is the thing that drives a movement. Whether used as the motivational outcome or used to seed the advocacy, money matters.
Have anyone else’s texts been blowing up with donation requests from politicians? How many GoFundMes are there for people who have been struck by tragedy? Anti-oppressive, anti-racist, pro-environmental, pro-choice organizations are fueled by the assistance of grassroots efforts, primarily everyday people like you and me donating to their efforts.
But donating is not a resource everyone can afford or wishes to prioritize when gas prices are insane, housing prices are extraordinary and inflation is climbing. I get that.
So, I offer a challenge: for every dollar, you spend on Amazon, Costco, or Target, donate 50% of that to a reputable cause.
This offers a couple of outcomes:
1- This effort makes us all more mindful of impulse spending. Does Jeff Bezos need more money? Absolutely not. But we still clamor over Prime Day and buy things we definitely don’t need. Or, we buy things we don’t need right now in bulk. American consumerism is a thing and being more mindful of the amount of stuff we’re buying that a lot of times ends up in a landfill, is always a good thing.
2- Secondly, and more importantly, having a habit of donating keeps the momentum going to continue to put your money where your mouth is. We can complain and lament and be angry but are you actually doing anything other than posting about it on Instagram? I know that the low-hanging fruit in all of this unrest is talking about it. But talk is cheap (sometimes). We need to continuously stoke the fires of those who have been fighting and know the intricacies of how to get things done. We need to consistently support their actions. In this support, we must also trust and be patient. It took 100 years for women to get the right to vote. It took consistent action - not just inspired action 1 day after another tragedy.
Better yet, hack your budget and immediately put aside a set amount each month for donations. I grew up that way. My dad taught me about money and 10% of my allowance each month went into a donation account. I try to instill that same concept with my older son today.
Want a good place to send your donations? Together Rising has been working hard since 2012 on a multi-faceted, intersectional approach to advocacy and activism. Their funding supports organizations already on the ground doing the hard things.
GRATITUDE
Sadly, I was hard-pressed to find gratitude for being an American this 4th of July. My husband tried to put out American flags at our Plymouth office before the holiday weekend and I was so triggered by the overturning of Roe that I made him take it all down. And that sucked.
So, as I’ve been sitting in all of this angst towards America these past few weeks, I’ve decided I’m allowing grace. Whoa, this one has been hard but so far it’s working.
When I take small actions every day to stay informed and keep perspective, I can have more grace. See, in all my reading and researching to try and validate my own feelings, gain perspective and understand history, I can reflect that Americans have accomplished a lot in the last 2 centuries - truly, our advances are astounding.
And of course, we still have a lot of work to do. But isn’t that great?! Perfection is stagnant. Progress is where it is at. Even if recent events feel like we’re taking 5 steps backward, the pushback from these events will propel us 10 feet forward.
Enough pressure on that arrow makes it soar. We will soar. I feel it. Can you feel it? Heck, the final number of signatures for the reproductive freedom petition was incredible. That’s movement in action, pressure on the system to propel us forward. We had a goal and we did it.
INNOVATION
Perspective is everything. America was founded on low-hanging fruit and white supremacy underscored most institutions. Can we be that surprised that after only 250ish years we are in a bit of a pickle? We’re a young country with a lot to learn.
And here’s the thing: despite the fact that we’re tired, angry, depressed, overwhelmed, and stressed… we have to see the potential. We have to see the long game. We have to keep looking toward what America could be and how it really has progressed a long way in 200+ years and yet still has a ways to go.
For perspective, Italy is 3,000 years old. Italians have seen a lot. America is still so young. We have a lot to figure out. We are like a toddler trying to be in charge of a world that keeps telling us we’ve got a lot to learn and a lot of opportunities to grow up.
So yes, it takes time but I’m listening to podcasts and reading articles, books, and historical accounts of other times when America felt apocalyptic. But in hearing accounts of others worldwide and how they have handled defeat, a crisis, losing faith in their country, fear over things never changing, violence in their streets, and daily dread about the national state of affairs, I always find that whatever feeling I am feeling, someone has it felt before. It can be a lonely experience to be in some heavy, dark emotions but finding others who feel similarly and are prevailing brings such comfort.
Here’s what I found this week to bring me some comfort:
I found one comment of simple, practical steps: “Turn off the news. Get off social media. Get involved with new hobbies. Spend as much time in nature as you can.”
Another person shared some beautiful sage advice: “Life can be a burden. It’s a raw game that dishes out raw deals on a daily basis. But if you can accept the burdens willingly, if you can choose to learn from them, not to become bitter, to move forward, you will grow and find purpose. If you can be strengthened by the series of storms that come your way, you will find that you have a life that is well worth living. You will find there is an abundance of happiness right there waiting for you if you choose to accept it.”
Famed documentarian and historian, Ken Burns writes, “In our media culture if it bleeds, it leads. We forget that if you read deeper or you heard the stories, you hear that people who managed to help each other. Complete strangers. And you begin to realize that our perceptions are often guided by the top, loud events. And that underneath it is a tapestry, a woven connection to one another. The fabric that compels most of our days is familiar to us, and filled with good people doing decent things.”
Lastly, in a passage about pain and struggle from the most recent book I finished: “My treasure is all about the agony. I have finally discovered on a personal level what passion truly means and I want nothing less than to embrace it. It means there will be suffering along the road. I don’t want suffering but it is a necessary part of the true experience of passion. I will no longer work to avoid it and I will no longer fear it. This treasure has become my magic mantra not only for building a learning community but also for being a happy, thriving parent. I can now say with conviction, ‘Struggle will teach you the best things about yourself.’”
FEELS
In order to manage this dark chapter we’re in, finding peace within myself is of the ultimate importance. And guess what? Reset is pretty good at helping others find peace within themselves. I think that’s our purpose. So with that, despite the scary potential future of America, I’m sticking around.
As my therapist said, “In any crisis, there have to be the people who stay to rebuild”. I want to flee for more peaceful pastures. Costa Rice and New Zealand loom as dreamy destinations. But in reality, I’m not that person. I meddle in the middle of the storm, finding opportunities and inviting innovation. It’s just who I am.
If sticking around means pain and suffering, so be it. As our lovely supervisor, Rachel reminded me this week, “Let me just start off by stating a fact: life is difficult”.
And I know it’s a practice to continue to embrace this notion because, damnit, life would be nicer if it was easier…but I’ve reset my expectations repeatedly. I’ll continue to do my small things to make my immediate life easier (like meditating, deleting social media, eating healthily, getting outside, moving my body, and going to therapy) but overall, life is a series of wonderful and horrible events. It just is. But that is living.
Life is the unrelenting experience of challenge and triumph, hope and despair, passion and fatigue, grief and wonder, curiosity and uncertainty, and joy and heartbreak. And with all of that, as it is, I’m still here for it.
We can do it.
Be the good. Do the good. See the good. It’s there if we pay attention.
Click here to learn more about counseling for grief.
