TGIF: Navigating Rejection
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Dear Community,
Welcome to our weekly advice column TGIF - Your Weekly Reset. Each week I will answer questions from you (or topics of interest!), bringing in themes of mental wellness-related tools, reminders of gratitude, innovative solutions, and a summary of my own feelings related to the topic.
Submit your questions as often as you’d like and I’ll be sure to address them in our upcoming columns.
This week’s question comes from a loyal subscriber:
Kerry - I’m really struggling with how to navigate the relationship with my son. He’s seemed to shut me out and I don’t know how to relate. I feel terrified and hurt, afraid I’ll lose him forever. What should I do?
Dear Reader,
This topic is relevant for parents of any aged child and even when we’re feeling cut out of a friend group or partnership.
I want to first say - this is so hard. The feeling of loss is tremendous as you feel a loss of control, loss of connection, and projected loss of what you may miss out on in the future without this person in your life.
You may also be wracking your brain with, “What did I do wrong?” and “What is it about me that makes them not want to be with me?”. The self-examination is exhausting and can bring up every single insecurity you have.
So here’s the thing I want to tell you, dear reader, your child’s reaction to you has everything to do with them and less to do with you. I have seen this time and time again when working with clients and in my own work. If I am feeling resistance to someone and a desire to pull away, it’s usually because there is a lesson that I’m not yet ready to learn.
I believe that every single person in our life is here for a reason. I believe that every person is here to teach us something and that difficult people especially are our teachers. Many sage teachers have offered this same wisdom.
When we are confronted with someone who is difficult in our lives, we must ask ourselves some questions:
What behavior of theirs is triggering for me?
What, in my life, feels threatened by their behavior?
What am I afraid of happening if I keep them in my life?
Am I avoiding or escaping teachable pain by cutting them off?
Is there a lesson, albeit difficult, here for me in order to evolve in my own personal development?
Listen, I know this is difficult. When someone is difficult for us to be around, it’s so much easier to just avoid them. This is a basic, physiological response to a threat! We fight, we flee, we freeze and fawn/please. For me, I’m really familiar with the flee and pleasing responses when I’m triggered.
When it comes to relationships, it’s a very natural tendency to operate from these fear response states. For example, I fear rejection often (Anxious + ADHD + Highly Sensitive = Rejection Sensitivity) and so if I am feeling a pulling away from someone, I generally go above and beyond to accommodate them. That’s my more “hyperaroused” state. If I’m feeling exhausted and a lot of shame is triggered, then I drop into “hyperarousal” and completely shut them out.
Recently my therapist helped me name my anxious-attachment tendencies and build more self-awareness around my reactions when fearing rejection. Understanding my tendencies, also helps me have empathy for how others react to threats in relationships.
While a more anxious person may feel anxiety when someone pulls away, someone more avoidant may feel suffocated by the pulls of intimacy. The key here is to recognize that all of us are on a spectrum and have different reactions, and with that understanding, we can be more empathetic towards others we’re in a relationship with.
Rather than accept someone as just “too much” or “emotionally unavailable” - we look through their behavior and see where they may be hurting. If we get curious, can we then be more patient to:
A - not take things so personally and
B - trust that in time and with grace and loving acceptance, they may find their way back to you.
So, dear reader, when it comes to your son… your own reaction will determine his further reaction. If you’re feeling anxious and he’s shutting you out, try and give him space. Your anxiety will not help the situation, it will only trigger his own fears. Try and give yourself compassion that this is a scary time while also giving him space to work out his own stuff. Just like with all things, we cannot force someone else’s progress and healing. Give it time and during that time, build up your own secure sense of self by trying these things:
See the good in yourself, the good you’ve done, and the good you are to so many people.
Fill up your days not with worry but with things that give you joy and satisfaction.
Surround yourself with the people that allow you to feel safe to be yourself.
Write a forgiveness letter to your son, reflecting on how you can still love him in spite of this pain
Lastly, get curious - how is this pain for you - a lesson to learn from a loved yet difficult teacher?
And to all the readers, if this week’s topic resonated with you (good or bad!), please send me a note and share it with a friend. If you have your own topic to discuss, let me answer your question next.
Click here to learn more about therapy for grief.
Warm hugs,
Kerry
