TGIF | Finding Happiness: From People-Pleaser to Self-Trust
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Happy Friday, dear Community.
Have you ever felt like you're constantly trying to fix everything and everyone around you? You listen to a friend pouring their heart out about a fight with their partner, and immediately your mind races with solutions and advice. A colleague comes to you stressed about a looming deadline, and you find yourself shouldering some of their burden. Maybe you even notice a crack in the sidewalk on your morning walk and think, "Someone should get that fixed."
This can be a familiar trap, especially for those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves. We see the world as a collection of interconnected parts, and when something feels off-balance, our natural instinct is to want to restore harmony. But what happens when this constant state of "fixing" leaves us feeling drained, resentful, and even a little lost ourselves?
This is precisely what happened to me recently. In a situation close to home, I found myself pulled into a dynamic where I felt a responsibility to mediate and "make things better". As I delved deeper, offering advice and support, a nagging feeling started to grow. I realized I was neglecting my own needs in the process. This wasn't healthy for me, and it wasn't helpful for the other party either.
We've all been there, right? We question our choices, doubt ourselves, and feel pressure to be the "fixer" in other people's lives. But what if we took a step back and asked ourselves: Whose happiness truly matters most here?
The truth is that our own happiness matters. It's the foundation for everything else in our lives. When prioritizing our well-being, we become better equipped to show up authentically for the people we care about.
So, how do we break free from this cycle of people-pleasing and cultivate genuine happiness in our own lives?
Let go of the impulse to rescue. We can't control other people's feelings or situations. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is offer a listening ear and a space for someone to process their emotions. We are not responsible for someone else’s happiness or saving them from hardship.
Let go of perfection. As people-pleasers, we crave perfect answers. We worry that changing our minds disappoints others. But growth requires change! New information and perspectives shift our understanding. It's okay to evolve. Be honest with yourself and others. Focus on progress, not perfection. The most supportive people are those who learn and grow alongside us. Embrace change for a more authentic you.
Let go of the need to be right. Happiness isn't about proving yourself or winning an argument. It's about accepting responsibility, learning from experiences, and moving forward. Sometimes the best course of action is to acknowledge another person's perspective, even if you don't fully agree with it.
Trust yourself. You are capable of making good decisions. Believe in your intuition and judgment. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we're incapable of learning and growing.
Here’s the thing, despite our best efforts, there will be moments of doubt and insecurity. I can fall into shame and self-blame often so it’s important to practice the habits that help to let go of the people-pleaser in me:
Practice gratitude. I try to take time each day to appreciate the good things in my life, no matter how small. For me, just seeing the good in people, nature, events and how things do seem to always have a way of working out.
Set healthy boundaries. It's okay to say "no" when something doesn't feel right. I must always remember that I don't have to take on everyone else's burdens. And just as important, to not feel guilty about protecting my precious time and energy.
Focus on JOY. What brings you joy? What makes you feel centered and grounded? I’ve found myself just wanting more FUN in my life - dancing, staying up late with friends, feeling the wind in my hair on a jet ski, soaking up the sun on the driveway, making messes in the kitchen… all things that pull me out of the seriousness and pressures life likes to present.
Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. I work a lot with my therapist to not dwell on past missteps or allow them to define me. My imperfections are not character flaws. I can make mistakes and still be a good person, worthy of love and trust.
Seek professional help. If you're struggling to prioritize your own happiness or find yourself constantly consumed by the needs of others, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide valuable tools and strategies for managing stress, setting boundaries, and developing healthy coping mechanisms. I sure rely on mine!
Remember, you are worthy of happiness. By taking care of yourself first, you'll be better equipped to spread that joy to others. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Share your comments and questions with me.
Together, we can create a community that supports and empowers each other on the path to greater happiness and well-being - you are never, ever alone.
And this week’s TGIFs…
TOOL—Are you worried you’re addicted to drama? Or maybe you feel someone in your life is? Use this tool - an online quiz - to learn more.
GRATITUDE—I’ve decided that this summer, I want beach vibes—barefoot, relaxed, a believer in miracles, ease, and lots of laid-back fun. It’s a mindset, one I have to choose, but so worth it. I’ve been grateful to have music and good friends to bring me these experiences.
INNOVATION—Ya’ll, I’ve talked about people pleasing before - this is not new. While this is the year I vowed to let that part go, it’s hanging on with more lessons for me. As I often say, “nothing goes away until it teaches you want you need to know”.
FEELS— We went to the dollar store over the holiday week and I found a mug, “Let Freedom Ring” that just spoke to me in 1000 ways. So, I’ve been using it daily as I feel into the freedom of untethering myself from the responsibility of other’s happiness. Woof, it’s been like the little mug that could.