Supporting Children When They Are Experiencing Anxiety
Growing up, many of us internalized messages of what is right or wrong, what is good or bad, and how things should or shouldn’t be. We may have been shamed for crying. We may have been punished for yelling or throwing tantrums. We may have been called “bad”, “dramatic”, “too emotional” “needy”, “obnoxious”, or “rebellious”. These labels prevented us from truly being seen. As we were shamed or punished, or told all about how to be ‘good’ and to do what we ‘should’ do, many of us eventually developed an attachment to these messages. Overtime, this may have resulted in becoming disconnected from our own feelings and needs that were beneath our displays of emotions and our choices (or lack thereof), and ultimately disconnected from others as well. But we can build connection with ourselves and within our relationships.
It can be challenging to become curious about what someone else is going through if we ourselves are feeling very stimulated and disconnected from our own feelings and needs. That is why it is supportive to build connection with ourselves and ground ourselves in our own needs prior to attempting to support anyone else who may be experiencing anxiety.
Due to our own upbringings and living in a society that doesn’t always encourage feeling our feelings and connecting to our needs, this may be an unfamiliar experience. So what can we do for ourselves?
We can take a moment the breathe.
Giving yourself a moment to breathe creates space for you to check-in with yourself. This can be particularly helpful in cases you may usually become reactive rather than responsive. Allow yourself to truly slow things down.
We can get curious about our thoughts.
If we try to resist or block out our judgments or our thoughts that we think are ‘bad’, we miss out on a great deal of information. What are you thinking? What judgments are you having? What labels are appearing? Give yourself space and maybe some privacy to release your thoughts, being mindful to observe them rather than absorb them.
We can check-in with our body.
What physical sensations are you experiencing? Are you experiencing tension? Do you feel an overall heaviness laid over your body? Notice your heartbeat. Your body temperature. Become curious about your body and what it is sharing with you. This exercise may be helpful.
We can provide empathy to ourselves.
Resisting or blocking out our feelings can prevent us from connecting to our needs and seeing the full picture. When we can connect to our feelings and have a deeper understanding of our needs, we can have more compassion for ourselves and become curious about what others may be needing, too. Only then can we provide support and eventually move into strategy mode. The process of self-empathy can help us understand what we are feeling and connect to our needs. We can check in with our own feelings and needs by being curious about and open to exploring them. What are you feeling? Try to dig deeper than “sad”, “mad”, or “angry”. Here is a list of feelings you may find helpful. What may you be needing in this moment? What would make life more wonderful right now? When we bring our awareness to our needs and connect to what we are needing in the moment, we often experience a shift: a sense of connection: maybe in our heart center, or our gut. Here is a list of needs you may find helpful. When we connect with our own feelings and needs, we create space within ourselves to be able to give others empathy; to hold space for others; to understand; to connect; to support.
So, how can we support our children when they are experiencing anxiety?
We can Be.
When our children see us, they learn from us. Taking time to breathe, to check in with ourselves, to show ourselves compassion, and to honor our own needs and values supports not only us but those who are around us and interact with us including children. We can care for ourselves and explore resources that can support us and our own anxiety, help us develop self-compassion, and live with our emotions.
We can hold space and be present.
Holding space may look like sitting in silence together. Sometimes just having someone to sit and be present with you can make all the difference. It may also look like listening deeply to your child with a sense of curiosity about what they are experiencing without thinking about how to fix things for them. Regardless of what it may look like, holding space means creating an environment for your child to feel safe to express themselves and their emotions.
We can provide empathy and have compassion.
When we jump to shaming, punishment, or placing labels on others, we may miss out on understanding their feelings and needs; we may miss out on truly seeing them. Instead, providing our children with empathy and showing our children compassion can be much more supportive and connecting than shaming them for their expression of their emotion. We can provide empathy by being present with our children and curious about what feelings they are experiencing and what needs they are longing to have met. Maybe they are longing to experience play and fun, or comfort and peace of mind, or understanding and trust. Reflecting back what you are hearing them share and guessing aloud what they may be feeling or needing with a sense of care and curiosity in your heart and voice alone can sometimes ease one’s anxiety.
Note: If you find yourself feeling reactive and expressing ideas of the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to handle emotions, you may benefit from giving yourself more empathy. Once you have connected to your own needs in the moment (maybe needs for peace, ease, rest, understanding, or efficiency), then you will have more capacity to become curious about the needs of your child.
We can explore strategies with them.
It is hard to identify remedies or strategies that can support us without connecting to our needs first. Once we have a deeper awareness of the needs that our children are longing to have met in the moments where their anxiety arises, we can explore ways to meet those needs. Exploring strategies to meet your and your child’s needs is something you can do together, in a collaborative way. Doing this builds trust, exercises creativity and gives children a sense of autonomy.
I hope that you can find bits and pieces of hope and support in this. Remember, you can never have enough self-compassion. If you are needing extra support for you child or children, please check out our Online Program: Mindfulness Activities for Kids. It was made with love and we are excited to be able to share it with you all. Also know that our team is here if you would find it supportive to explore and get in touch with your feelings and needs together.
Click here to learn more about therapy for anxiety.
