Rising to the Challenges of these Times
For those that celebrate, Christmas is in one week. Typically a time of great joy and reunion, globally we’re ending 2021 a bit on a low. I think a lot of people are worrying about their kids and the future, among other things. People are sharing feeling disheartened, downtrodden, and even disturbed. I have some thoughts on this…let’s talk about it.
TOOLS
In our all-team meeting this week we were talking about kids these days. As a mama of littles, I recognize I feel overwhelming grief for my children’s childhood. Born in 2017 and 2020, they have only known the external world of political tension, “the big sick”, masks, and social distancing. At the start of Covid I said to myself, “It’s okay, they’ll barely remember this, it’ll be just a temporary thing” and as the pandemic persists I find myself realizing that no, this is all they know. Heartbreaking.
But everyone I know also can feel this grief. The trauma in the world, violence, terrorism, the cancel culture, climate change… this is what we know now, this is reality.
With this grief and sadness, I have found myself wanting to fiercely protect the kids. I want to coddle and nurture them. I want to make things easier for them.
So when the kids show unhappiness, distress, and anxiety? We let them be on their phone “connecting” more, skipping school, not pushing getting a job, encouraging release through video games, getting tutors, giving extra help, and making sure staff/colleagues/administrators know our kids is having a hard time so they can be treated gently.
Remember a few months ago I shared the “Handle with Care” meme that was floating around for kids struggling? I even used it when our dog died and my kid was feeling extra sad. I told his teachers to go gently and excuse any bad behavior.
Ya’ll, I’ve been enabling…
What I thought were tools for helping the kids manage how hard this world is, has in fact made the kids less resilient.
GRATITUDE
Man, I’m grateful for perspective.
Our Clinical Director, Lisa McIntyre has teenagers. So, she’s been parenting a decade more than me. And she shared this with our team this week:
“I heard that people are saying kids these days are just different. I disagree. Kids are the same. What’s changed is a society with lowered expectations, a lack of discipline, and acceptance of disrespect. Give kids boundaries, expectations, rules, limits, rewards, and consequences - they will rise to the challenge and exceed your expectations every time.”
INNOVATION
Now, I completely understand if you are shaking your head at this. These poor kids. Life is hard right now! It’s traumatizing what they’ve been through. What we’ve all been through. They need joy, rest, and a break!
And yet. Tonight I was washing my dishes and I felt a presence in the room. Do you even get that? Well, all of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling my long-gone Grandpa was with me. He was shaking his head saying, “I lived through World War 2. You think this is hard? You all are too soft”. I get the chills thinking about it.
Things ARE hard right now, yes. We must admit it, talk about it, process it, feel into it. But does it mean that we then let everyone and ourselves off the hook?
One in four teenagers currently experiences depression or anxiety. I have no doubt that if we polled teens back in the 1930s, the statistic would be similar. And the numbing that was normalized back then (alcohol abuse, violence, crime) is normalized now with social media, addictions, bullying, escapism, and needing a lot of self-care.
We’re really, really not great at discomfort these days. We do anything to avoid the discomfort by trying to make things too comfortable.
FEELS
It’s hard to stay present in a world that’s so sad. We numb to protect ourselves from the feelings of grief, pain, and anxiety. Self-care is GREAT and standing up for what’s right, good, and what needs changing is essential.
But we have to learn how to deal with discomfort and we have to have the drive to then know we can rise out of it.
Drive teaches us resilience, survival skills, and how to overcome really hard stuff.
12 Ways to Teach Drive
So that we stop numbing and succumbing to discomfort and pain:
We model hard work, sacrifice, and compromise. That good things are worth fighting for and that oftentimes we have to do the hard things in order to achieve what we want in life.
We teach the value of money. No one wants to work but we live knowing that nothing is granted and nothing obtainable is for certain. We need to earn our rewards.
We foster competitive environments through sports, academics, hobbies, and self-improvement.
We understand that happiness is not compulsory; happiness requires effort and is an inner state of being, not conditional on the external environment.
We create a safe landing spot for vulnerability by granting permission to play, fail, make mistakes, and ask for help. We encourage opportunities to get curious, learn, and grow while humbly embracing all that we do not know.
We have limits, rules, and boundaries in all relationships, teaching people what is an acceptable way of treating us and not tolerating anything less than that.
We surround ourselves with people who are vulnerable and aspiring, who take risks and are not afraid to show their insecurities but keep trying.
We keep the kids at the adult’s table, expecting them to act with respect, use good manners and show them they are worth listening to so they better have something interesting to say.
We institute and understand that there are consequences for being self-centered and not considering other people in our actions.
We don’t buy ourselves out of discomfort or argue our way out of failure. We take accountability, own our mistakes, and keep trying to do better.
We lean into what’s hard - things like discipline, commitment, consistency, prudence, and risk.
We love through empathy and compassion but also offer empowerment and grit because we don’t let others sell themselves short on their potential to do and be better.
And because it’s the holidays, I’ll leave you with this from A Boy Called Christmas on Netflix:
“The only thing in life that is simple and clear is the truth. But it can be painful.”
Does the pain ever go away?
No. But you learn to live with it and you get stronger because of it and that’s the truth.”
Maybe call me a softie, but I have faith that we can do this.
We can overcome.
Click here to learn more about counseling for grief.
