How to Support Someone, or Yourself, in Coming Out
Happy National Coming Out Day, dear reader! This year we are celebrating the 33rd anniversary of this day, which was created to raise awareness of the LGBTQ+ community and its civil rights movement. The founders - Jean O'Leary and Richard Eichberg - chose October 11th because it was the day of the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights held in 1987. And while I hope that in the future, we will not need to come out because we would not be assumed to be one way or another, I am excited to write this post to honor the ways we can continue to make our community inclusive and generative.
What is coming out?
When you don’t fit the heterosexual and gender binary norms, coming out becomes a process that you do over and over again. As the human rights campaign put it:
“Coming out in order to live openly isn’t something you do once, or even for one year. It’s a decision that we make every single day of our lives. Every coming out experience is unique and must be navigated in the way most comfortable for the individual. Whether it's for the first time ever or the first time today, coming out can be an arduous journey. It is also a brave decision to live authentically.”
For those who are supporting someone who is coming out
If you are someone who is supporting a child, a family member or a friend (or even a co-worker) in their coming out journey, let’s consider the ways that we can travel this path with our loved ones.
First, let’s think about how we can break out of the prescribed scripts that dictate assumed heteronormative information before information is shared. These scripts can make genuine connection to another human being more difficult and create barriers, rather than ease, the coming out process.
So if you’re child shares with you, “I have a crush”, instead of responding with the opposite sex statement such as “Who’s the boy” for a female child, consider simply saying something along the lines of, “I’m so glad you told me, tell me about this person, what do you like about them?” Leaving room for the child to offer information instead of having to correct information. Same goes if your male friend says, “I’ve been seeing someone”, consider responding with “Tell me more” instead of “Who is she?”
Another approach would be to consider sharing your own identity to let others know it is safe to show you who they are. This is the reason that I add “she/her” behind my name on every zoom call that I attend, a simple gesture to say I am onboard with your pronouns and opening myself in this way too. When I feel safe, I will also share other parts of my identity to give signals that I’m a safe person to open up to.
A small gesture that I found incredibly helpful as a queer person to feel safe at my work is hearing my supervisor admire a co-worker’s pride ally t-shirt and comment about her own participation in pride. This simple interaction, which I happened to be in the room for, offered relief to something I didn’t even know I needed. The point being -- as an ally, speak up, even in moments like this, you don’t know who needs to hear this.
For those who are thinking about coming out
Deciding if or when or to whom or to whom NOT to come out can be a confusing series of decisions. There are times I think about why I didn’t come out earlier, and to be honest, there were many reasons, including that I didn’t really understand where I stood in my queerness, I didn’t have the language or the mental space to consider yet another potentially threatening things in my life. And when I did come out, it was bit by bit by bit until I was eventually ready to live openly. Everyone’s coming out will be different because everyone’s life experiences, circumstances and environment is unique.
There are many resources available, including the ones below, and what I’ve found is that connection is healing. Finding people who care, are safe, and self-aware, provides the space for others to explore, reflect and grow into their skin.
Coming Out Resources from the Human Rights Campaign
Common questions from the American Psychology Association
LGBT Youth Resources from the American Psychology Association
For those who are out
If you’ve been out for a year or 20 years, difficult feelings can still arise, such as internalized homophobia and transphobia, and this is to be expected. Internalized messages can live on for a long time but there are ways to support yourself through this process so that you can live an authentic life. It can be helpful to ask yourself - do I have a problem with being queer, transgender, etc. or do I live in an environment who has a problem with me being queer, transgender, etc. Sometimes we adopt other’s perspectives as our own without consciously knowing it. Slowing down and checking in could illuminate your voice from the rest.
Whoever you are and wherever you are on your journey, may you be safe and protected from all danger. May you have joy and genuine connections. May you have ease and generative experiences. May you accept yourself just as you are.
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