Cultivating Softies: On Men, Shrill and Botany
TGIF community! This week I am sharing my husband’s story, how I raise my boys and my most favorite recent book that is changing my viewpoint on all things.
TOOLS
When I first started graduate school I remember feeling a bit of shame because I did not have some big Trauma that was my “why”. Most of my classmates came into the field because of things like death, tragedy, divorce, illnesses, addiction, abuse or violence. Me, I was a white cis-gender female from a (somewhat) snobbish Chicago suburb.
It was not until I understand the depths of trauma that I realized that just because something huge hadn’t happened to me (yet!), did not mean I was immune from my own little traumas or the secondary traumas from those around me.
My “why” remains simple: I want people to feel seen and through feeling seen, validate their experiences and be empowered to transform.
Too often people do not use the tool of therapy or ask for help because they think their problems are not big enough. Compared to what we think of as Big Traumas, things like bullying, body image, perfectionist expectations, belittling, mistakes, embarrassments and stressors can seem “petty”.
I want to normalize that everyone has trauma and nothing is too small if it’s causing you suffering and pain. My own husband took 8 years to finally ask for help once he met me. EIGHT YEARS. I’m looking forward folx, not back.
GRATITUDE
Men specifically have historically been horrible at admitting when they need help. Men are fixers. We also live in a culture that glorifies toxic masculinity. Phrases like “man up” and “be a man” are the opposite of “get vulnerable and talk about your feelings”.
In seeing my husband feel the positive impacts of having a safe space to process his life and feelings, I’m grateful for what I think is and can be a shift in how we see masculinity.
I had a girls night in this week - me, Aidy Bryant and a glass of Rosé. While watching, I was feeling optimistic from the commercials! There was diversity, inclusive language, body confidence, and challenges to gender normative behaviors. Now, I was watching Shrill, which in itself is a celebration for creating a more open and compassionate culture, but what I saw felt different than before.
I have two boys and I am empowered to think that when they grow up they will be celebrated for being empathetic, sensitive and emotive. They will be because they have me as a mom, hah! But truly, men have been bullied for ages for being “too sensitive” and “sensitive” has become almost a bad word for describing boys. I am going to believe that we can change this.
INNOVATION
Recently I realized how so much of my life can be explained by the fact that I am a highly sensitive person. As a woman, it’s easier for me to be this way and still be culturally accepted.
But how about raising sensitive boys, celebrating male sensitivity and vulnerability? Can we do that?
Maybe it’s because now I’m a #boymom or maybe because men in our country are suffering in silence, but I am deeply passionate about creating safe spaces for boys to get real.
We need more men talking about mental health. We need more men doing work on their traumas, pain and hurt. We need more men sharing that feeling and talking is actually just as, if not more important than working out for their mental health.
We need it to be culturally accepted that you do not need to be in crisis to have a place to talk about your feelings. We need more men in therapy and as therapists. We need more men being sensitive and less “masculine”.
We need men to redefine what masculinity means. Seriously, look at this quick Google search of masculinity. I mean… we have some serious work to do. WTF.
FEELS
Okay, so botany. I’m reading this incredible book, Braiding Sweetgrass. It is beautifully written and for anyone who adores gardening, it’s magic. But more than that, it’s about relationships. It’s about how we treat all living things on our planet. It’s about the give and the take.
It has transformed how I look at our ecosystem, my own eating habits (spoiler, I’m actually OK eating animals now) and general consumption.
It is about how historically we were better, more empathetic creatures. I wonder when we started getting it wrong.
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