COVID-19: The Life Transition We Didn’t Bargain For
Transition periods can be stressful…
Beginning a new career
Transitioning from adolescence to young adulthood
Getting married or committing to a life partner
Adding a child to the family
Relocation
Divorce or loss of a relationship
Transitioning to middle adulthood
Retirement
Entering late adulthood
Many people feel more strained during these transitions in their lives. These are times in life in which we need to adjust to a new set of roles and responsibilities. We may find that our identities have been altered. We may not feel like ourselves. We may grieve what we have lost. These periods of time are often challenging for people as they navigate big changes in their lives. A transition period can be very difficult even when we know the change is coming, even when we have chosen the change.
The COVID-19 pandemic has ushered in a transition period in all of our lives. It is a transition we never anticipated; one we never chose. Yet this transition has all the hallmarks of any other life transition. It has affected every aspect of our lives – from work, to parenting, to relationships with our friends and families, to our very identities. A transition hits the hardest when it shakes our sense of self – when we are forced to view ourselves differently; when we are faced with a future that is nothing like we planned.
You may have -
lost a job or seen a decrease in your income
lost childcare
experienced strain in your relationships
had to make difficult decisions for your family
lost people you love
lost a sense of safety
You may feel –
isolated and lonely
burned-out and tired
overwhelmed
traumatized
angry
tired of all the COVID-19 talk (that’s okay too)
You may be experiencing anxiety or depression for the first time or you may have seen an increase in your symptoms since the pandemic began.
Whatever your response to the pandemic has been, know that it is valid. There is no wrong experience. There is no right way to handle the changes we are facing.
Acknowledge what has been lost
Loss in inherent in transition periods. As we move on to something new in our lives, it is natural to reflect on what has been left behind.
Grief is a process meant for loss - whether it be the loss of a person, a place, a thing, or an identity or role. We engage in the process of grieving all throughout our lives. Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss that allows us make peace with the loss and grow through it.
Often, we do not recognize our need to grieve when the loss is more subtle than a death. Sometimes we need to grieve the loss of our expectations – the loss of our plans. Sometimes is it the loss of a part of our identities.
With grief comes acceptance. Acceptance is not the passive process of allowing negative events to play out in our lives, but rather a radical step to acknowledge the present moment exactly as it is. It is clearing away the fog of denial and resistance to the present moment and seeing our lives with clarity.
How do we start to grieve? We name the loss. It may feel painful to acknowledge something that was loved and lost, but naming the loss actually expedites the release of the difficult emotions associated with the loss. These losses don’t disappear on their own. They are there in the back of ours mind waiting to be acknowledged and attended to. Suppressing the feelings associated with loss only serves to lengthen the process of grieving and cause more suffering.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge how you have been personally affected by the pandemic and allow yourself to grieve what you have lost.
Recognize the myth of normal
Sheryl Paul, author of The Wisdom of Anxiety, holds that the idea of normal is “one of the most psychologically damaging ideas ever to hit modern culture.” I had a professor in my graduate program who seconded this idea. He told his students that if we intended to use the word normal in any academic writing, we had better be prepared to clearly define what normal was. I quickly dropped the word from my vocabulary.
A lot of anxiety (and frankly, suffering in general) is driven by a mismatch between our expectations and reality. And what do we expect life to be like? Well mostly normal. We expect our lives to follow a relatively normal path, set forth for us by society. Maybe losing a job wasn’t part of your plan. Maybe virtual school wasn’t part of your plan. Maybe how you feel about the pandemic wasn’t on my list and you’re feeling like your experience must not be normal.
The pandemic wasn’t a part of any of our plans and it certainly doesn’t feel normal, but it is an opportunity for us to evaluate how we see our lives. Are we married to the idea that life should go according to our plans? Do we label our thoughts and feelings as abnormal, adding on a layer of guilt and bringing on an avalanche of anxiety?
The idea of normal only serves to tell us that we are not okay as we are; that what we feel, think, and do falls outside the realm of what is acceptable. We cannot grieve what we have lost if we resist our experiences, labeling them as abnormal or wrong. If we are invested in keeping our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the fuzzy boundaries of normal, we will always doubt ourselves. It’s time to give up the concept of normal and be willing to accept our experiences, exactly as they are. This isn’t easy to do. The idea that we need to chase normalcy is deeply ingrained in many of us. But the reward for giving up the chase is great. Contentment and even joy in our circumstances no matter what they may be awaits us. Releasing the notion of normal allows us to be curious about our experiences rather than judge and critique them.
Take a moment to reflect
How are you placing judgment on yourself for thoughts, feelings, or reactions to the pandemic that fall outside your concept of normal or acceptable? How do you think you should feel?
Challenge yourself
Challenge your assumptions about normalcy. Is there anything inherently wrong with how you have thought, felt, or reacted to your changing circumstances?
How can you release any judgment you have placed on yourself?
How can you bring awareness to the losses you’ve experienced and allow yourself to grieve?
Click here to learn more about grief therapy.
