Continuing to Quarantine With Kids
With so many weeks in quarantine already, you might have gotten the swing of the new normal with your kids at home and have re-established a new routine for yourself and the kiddos. That’s great! And it’s also okay if things are or feel just as chaotic as the first week because, boy, this is a really hard adjustment. It’s not only hard for us, but for our kids too. That’s why It might be a good time to check in and assess what’s working and what’s not working.
With care and kindness, ask yourself: What self-care do I need right now?
Yes, this blog post is about quarantining with kids. And while we may be able to care for them while shortchanging ourselves, we can’t do that without eventually burning out. It’s natural to want to sacrifice your own wellbeing for theirs but it’s not the best thing for them in the long run since we can’t sustain this sacrifice over a long period of time. So take a moment to write down: what self-care do I need right now? Look at your list, is there any way to make some of these self-care needs met? It’s not always possible to meet all of our needs, but addressing even a few can go a long way.
Make two lists: What’s working and what’s not working.
Start with the what’s working list and be generous. Any little thing that has been successful, even if it wasn’t able to be maintained, write it down. Give yourself praise (in third person if that feels good to you - “wow, you really did so well here, Anna”) for being to establish and support these successes.
When you start with the what’s not working list, establish a space of kindness - this list is not a list of failures, this list is the items that are hard and you are doing the best you can. Next, mark the items on the list over which you don’t have any control or influence over. Take a moment to acknowledge or grieve the things you cannot change. Support yourself with a self-compassion break if that feels good.
Now move to the items that you do have some influence or control over. Pick one that you want to work on and make a plan. Below are some tools that might come in handy.
Check-in #1: Do your kids need a bit more structure than they currently have?
Consider incorporating the cooperation chart created by Dr. Cheryl McNeil into your lives. What I love about this chart is that it focuses on cultivating the positive and gives children ample opportunities for success and connection. It asks you to notice the positive things your kids are doing and making this known to your children, while also curbing negative behaviors. As described in the video, the rewards are simple and can offer opportunities to bring in light, laughter and fun into daily life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=82&v=v-frVFxw&feature=emb_logo
Check-in #2: Are your kids exhausted from trying to learn in a pandemic environment?
It might be time to give formal education-related goals a break. Your kids are just like you - they do feel the underlying stress of the situation and they are having to do life under these sneakily or not so sneakily strenuous circumstances.
It might be time to give them a break from academics and instead offer them a change of pace. Instead of reading, do a puzzle or make a puzzle. Instead of math, write a mini screen play that the family acts out together. Instead of another science problem set, draw your dream vacation.
Of course we want our kids to excel in education. And giving them a break might help them move through this stressful time so that they can re-engage with school with renewed energy.
Check-in #3: Are your kids fighting more?
Being together all the time can lead to some tension for sure. Kids can feel cooped up just like us and it’s so easy to take out your frustrations on a sibling. Take their emotional temperature - do they need time apart or would some cooperation games help them feel more like a team? Maybe both?
Taking time apart is healthy. I grew up with a “tikhi chas” where every day during the summer, everyone in the household would have an hour during the middle of the day to do quiet activities alone. When I was a toddler, it was napping (of course). But as I grew up it became any type of quiet playing, reading, drawing, etc. that I wanted to do, as long as it was quiet and on your own. The culture of such a siesta is not one I’ve seen in many families in the US, but it’s a way to create time and space apart while being in the same house. Also, if your kids share a room and don’t have designated spaces for themselves without a sibling, consider making personalized spaces where each child can go when they want to be alone. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just something their own.
Another way to move from fighting to cooperation is to engage in games that allow for that team building mentality to develop. Can be as simple as playing a “kids vs parent” board game, soccer game, charades. Doing a puzzle together or making a dessert for the family. If this is too much at the moment, encourage 1:1 sibling interaction to occur when both kids feel good, perhaps when eating a snack together. Creating more of these positive interactions can help ease the overall tensions.
And… check in with yourself (if applicable, with your partner): As states begin to reopen, what does reopening look like for our family?
Some states are starting to open up businesses and more people are starting to be mobile. Think about what this means to your family - how do you want to proceed? What precautions are you still wanting to follow? What will reopening look like for your family? These questions can help create clarity for you and your kids as things move from full-quarantine to something in-between. Once you decide on a game plan, don’t forget to share it with the kids. Just don’t forget to include why you have chosen this plan and ask your kids for their feedback and concerns.
This time in our history is new to us but it’s not new to history. Humans have lived through challenging times and we are no exception. This is a challenging time - more challenging to some than to others. Keep offering yourself kindness so that you can offer that same kindness to our kids, our own siblings and friends, our parents, our community, and our society.
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