Bewitching Wellness “Recipes”
Halloween is almost here again! A rare holiday that welcomes theatre, play, and kid-like imagination back into our lives. Even for those of us who do not dress up, the opportunity to see kids, pets, and other adults in fun or creative costumes can put an unexpected but genuine smile on our face. Maybe you have a spooky movie tradition, or the complete opposite - it’s a holiday that you get to not participate in at all without experiencing a guilt-trip from relatives. Whatever your desires, and however you move through this October, the wellness “recipes'' below might add value to your autumn life.
Wellness Recipe #1:
RESPECTING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES
Setting and following through on your own boundaries in life is central to wellbeing, so much so that we made it the number one recipe on this list!
Remember, your boundaries are about your needs and wants in all areas of your life including time, physical, sexual, mental, emotional, and spiritual. They are NOT based on what other people want from you. Nor are they about someone else’s needs or wants for their own life. Imagine a world where everyone could clearly speak their needs and wants without attacking or demanding and without being diminished or shamed, how the clarity of that might reveal who can and cannot meet each other’s needs without blame and might even help us discover where we can actually have our needs and wants met by those who want to meet those needs/wants. Setting boundaries can protect us, of course, but setting boundaries can also be an incredible tool for communicating to the world our authentic selves, a form of communication and connection rather than only defense or protection.
Try out this recipe:
Step 1: Where do you wish you could say “no” without any consequences of being guilt-tripped, dismissed, shamed or put down for this boundary?
Step 2: Having that scenario in mind - what are the potential consequences of saying “no”? How likely are they to happen? How much risk are you willing to experience if you set this boundary?
Step 3: Reflect on, what else could be stopping you from setting this boundary? Are you worried the relationship dynamic might change? That you would be seen in an unfavorable light?
Step 4: Sometimes you will have to restate your boundaries - how does this make you feel? What does that sound/look like to restate your boundaries to someone who is not paying attention or keeps crossing them?
Step 5: Learning to set boundaries involves making mistakes, including crossing your own boundaries before coming back to them. How can you give yourself permission to make these mistakes so that you can learn how to set healthy boundaries?
Step 6: Grow your capacity to respect your own boundaries by considering how you can be more respectful to your boundaries - do you veer more towards being too rigid or too loose with your boundaries? Notice your trend to help you navigate as you learn what and how your boundaries feel.
Wellness Recipe #2:
NAMING AND DESCRIBING THE EXPERIENCE OF YOUR EMOTIONS
You may be able to name a long list of emotions off the top of your head right now: happy, sad, angry, frustrated, exhausted, glad, amused, joyful, etc.
But how many of these can you describe the experience of in your own body and mind? How many of us stop being able to do so after the top three on the list above?
Furthermore, how often do we recognize when we are speaking about a thought versus an emotion? An easy trick for this is to check for the following:
Is the word “feel” followed by the word “that” in your sentence.
For example, “I feel that this is the wrong decision.” This is a thought, and can more accurately stated as, “I think that this is the wrong decision.”
A feeling in this case would sound something like, “I feel uneasy about this decision, I think that something is off.”
Another example is: “I feel that you are too strict with the kids.” Reworking that into clear feelings and thoughts can sound like this: “I feel frustrated when you don’t let the kids play before dinner, I think you are too strict with them.”
Try out this recipe:
Step 1: Explore the Emotions Wheel. And I mean really explore. Look at the words, say it in your mind, notice what comes up for you when you hold that word in your mind. Maybe it’s, “I don’t really know the definition of this word” or “I was just feeling that this morning”. Whatever comes up, letting it be there.
Step 2: Choose a word that resonates with you. Bring it to your mind's eye, feel it, sense it. Bring to mind how it felt the last time you’ve experienced it. And allow yourself to drop into your body, noticing what sensations do you feel in your body and where? Is your body heavy or light? Grounded or suspended? What is your breathing like?
Step 3: If it is a difficult emotion for you, invite active kindness to your experience, which can be as simple as saying “May I be kind to myself in this moment” and giving yourself whatever message you need to hear right now. Maybe, “I care about this experience” or “It’ll be okay”. If you are having a comfortable emotion, you could welcome the experience of gratitude for the comfortable sensations you are having.
Wellness Recipe #3:
SELF-CARE THAT IS NOT A BATH, OR TEA, OR GRATITUDE JOURNALS
We are often inundated with lists upon lists of ways to self-care. Take a walk. Take a bath. Drink some tea. Do a social activity. Meditate. Be mindful. The list goes on and on.
And yes! That can all be a form of self-care.
But self-care in and of itself is not a list of feel-good activities or “good for you” activities.
It is the kind, intentional and caring act of tending to your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual needs in this moment (even if this moment is being prompted by something that happened to you 15 years ago).
Sometimes it’s useful to think about what something isn’t, in order to get greater clarity on what it is. So here are some ideas to consider:
Self-care is NOT a reward. Self-care is not a carrot you dangle in front of yourself to get through life. This is a reward: once I finish writing this blog, I will go make some tea for myself and take a break before starting my next work task. That’s fantastic. Rewards are great. And can even be motivating. AND taking breaks does help my overall wellbeing! But it can be dangerous to align self-care with rewards. A slippery slope. We start putting off eating, sleeping, taking breaks, etc. UNTIL we think we deserve it. Self-care is actively and kindly caring for the self without conditions.
Self-care is NOT always relaxing. The lists we see are often filled with comforting and soothing activities. But self-care might actually be admitting yourself to the hospital because you are a risk to yourself or someone else. It may be getting a blood test done even though you hate needles because you need to check your thyroid levels. It’s not always relaxing, but it is a kind, intentional and caring act for yourself in this moment.
Self-care is NOT a form of indulgence. “Now that I’ve worked so hard today, I can binge watch Call the Midwife without any care even though I will feel crappy and not refreshed afterwards.” This one is the hardest one for me to wrap my mind around. It feels so good in the moment! And aren’t I giving myself the space and time to do what I need? The key for this one I’ve found, is to ask myself about short-sightedness. Am I really giving myself intentional and caring tending to by binge watching the show?
Try out this recipe:
Step 1: What are things I call self-care but are actually an act of reward and indulgence?
Step 2: What is an act of self-care (kind, intentional and caring tending of) that I need right now? It could be as simple as, “I need to intentionally refocus my attention from something or to something.”
What brings you stable peace, joy, and fullness - may you have that this fall season.
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